Before Me, Him

Chapter 66

     I end up walking towards the kitchen in order to find the source of that noise but there was no one there. I looked around carefully but it was completely empty and everything was in order so nothing had been moved. "Strange" I thought to myself as I untied my ponytail.

     My body decides to go back to the main room and I take the microphone stand closer to the piano. I sit on the small chair and my fingers run through the keys, softly as they trembled. My whole attention was focused on those white tiles that sparkled as the light shuns on them. I feel the alcohol starting to take an effect on my body and I manage to feel more relaxed. Then my fingers play a key and there was nothing else to be done, my body moved on its own. My brain kept on playing melodies from when I was younger until it got fixated on one music in specific. I breathe in and breathe out and, not even a second later, my voice comes out.

     The song was dark and heavy, I had created it once as a child. I remember when I imagined this tune after getting into an enormous fight with my parents about... What was it about again? I never made the lyrics for it, I never had the will or the talent to, until now. The words were flowing through my mind and my voice just spits them out in a perfectly creepy melody. A melody that portraited my most dark thoughts, my loneliest feelings that were buried deep down in my heart. Unlike the last time I played the piano I had no tears threatening to leave my eyes, they were dry as a dessert because I felt nothing besides a complete emptiness of being.

     I guess that's how I've always felt. Alone. Empty. Did I became like this after losing my brother or...? Wasn't I always lonely in the first place? Now that I recall I never considered anyone my friend, I never had any interest in love. I've always thought that it is a waste of time because the only people in this world worth opening your heart to it's your family. There is nothing else to it, right?

     Am I right?

     Is it true?

     I've always learned and lived by this ground rule, this an undeniable truth yet why is my heart wavering? Why do I feel like something extremely important is missing? Why are they popping into my mind? Jacob? Philip? Dean? Polly? Robert? When did you get in? I didn't give you the key. This is unfair. I cannot protect myself anymore, I've exposed it, my heart, and my mind to these unknown foreigners.

     As my fingers play the last notes I look upwards and I see someone stading in the furthest area of the room, looking at me. I couldn't see its face, only its shape since it was standing under a very dark area, the only zone where I had turned off the lights. I blink my eyes and the shape disappears as if it had never been there in the first place. "Am I imagining things?" I thought to myself.

     I check the clock and see that it was three in the morning. It's late. I unplug the instruments and do a final check around the bar. I go to the ladies' bathroom and as I looked inside each stall my attention turns to the reflection of the person in the mirror. Her long straight dark brown hair is being pulled down by gravity and, as I walk closer I see my expression change. My eyes looked lifeless and my dark circles were very highlighted in my pale face. I place my hand in the cold mirror as Mason's words echoed through my mind "That's a nice look you've got there", he said. Was he referring to this type of expression? This emptiness that I carried but I deluded people with a smile?

     I end up leaving since there was nothing left for me to do in that place. My mind was turning dark however She wasn't appearing which is rather unusual. By now She should be here. Was She too scared to show her face?

     After turning off the lights and locking the place up I leave onto the cold street. The night winter breeze was freezing my cheeks and nose as I walked in the lifeless path in front of me. The sky was covered with dark clouds that threatened to burst at any second. "I know they say the night is dark and full of terrors but what exactly are the terrors of the night?" I wondered as I walked foward. Could they be the monsters under our bed that will eat our hearts out? The ones that our parents told us weren't real? Or maybe are they the ones that are hiding inside our closet, always spying on us and what we are doing? They see every move, every breath, every nasty thought that goes through our brains. They could also be the shadows that chase after us whenever there is a trace of light in our bodies. Just like the yin and the yang, the dark and the light need to coexist. "Never one without the other" I chuckled as I, unconsciously arrive at the beach.

     - I see. – I say softly as I climb the reef and head towards the end. I sit far from the edge as my ears were filled up with the ocean waves crashing onto the rocks. It was such a cold but pleasant sound. – Are you also hiding something? Deep down?

     - Aren't we all? – a voice replies as I see a figure sitting right next to me. Once my eyes capture enough light I understood that it was Jacob. – Isn't this nostalgic.

     - If you keep up with that comedy you will end up in a circus. – I say coldly as I focus my eyes on the deep horizon.

     - What happened? – he questions me softly however I don't reply. I keep my mouth shut as the silence was overwhelming, louder than the winter breeze blowing or thoughts away. – That was a very sad song. Sadder than the other one.

     - Oh, was it? – my expression was unmovable, I wouldn't smile, I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't get mad or even lustful. It was almost as if, at that moment, my whole desire for human reactions and emotions had disappeared and I had no idea how to get them back. My voice was monocromatic, without a drop of faith in it.

     - Are you lonely? – he questions me as he moves and kneels in front of me. I couldn't look at the ocean anymore, instead my eyes were staring into his. Light brown eyes, clear as milk chocolate and kinder than any other. – Tell me June.

     - Are you? – I ask him as his eyes pierce my heart. Now I understand why Jacob always made me feel so chaotic around him. He was a walking menace to my comfortable bubble because he always knew what I was thinking, he always knew just what to say. He was always in control of everything. All this time he intended for him to enter in my heart without ever getting into his. I know nothing about him except his address and the similarities that he possesses with my dead brother.

     Are they really that similar? As I looked to him the more unique each one of them was. William was kind and silly however Jacob was this poisonous tea that you couldn't help but desire to pour down your throat while it is still piping hot.

     "Oh, I see. I understand now" I think to myself as everything turns crystal clear in my head. All this time I've had feelings for Jacob. The heart racing, the warmth in my body, all of this is due to this feeling. I've always thought I felt this because my brain, unconsciously, portraited him as my brother but the truth was never that at all. It was hidden in front of me all this time but I couldn't see it, however, they were not real. After all, Jacob is only a tea that gets sour after some days, just like everyone else.

     - I am. – he states as he places his hand on my face and shortens our distance. In this cold winter night I could feel his warm breath on my lips from how close we were. In all this emptiness his warmth made my heart skip a beat. – Aren't you?

     - Tell me Jacob... – I ask him as my lips slightly touch his. His eyes were glued to mine and I could tell they changed for a split of a second as the words came out of my mouth. – How will you feel when you lose it?