Before Me, Him

Chapter 33

     After ten minutes we arrive at the restaurant he had advised. Inside, the walls were covered with dark wood that had some sea paintings and different items related to the ocean such as fishing rods, jellyfishes, all made of recycled material. The whole thematic around the restaurant was very paradisiac and comfortable. It was a nice place.

     We sat down and soon enough we ordered our dinner. I asked for a grilled salmon with cooked potatoes and vegetables on the side while Philip asked for a baked seabass with some rice and a salad on the side. As we waited for the food I didn't talk much and would only answer Phillip's questions about Autumn such as "How is he like?" or "What does he like to eat?".

     Once our food arrived we started eating and somehow I reminded myself of what Phillip had told me a while back about fighting his own demons. I wonder what he meant by that. I don't want to over-push him or maybe ask him something that I shouldn't but for some reason, I have the feeling that I should know as if it was related to me somehow. I guess that is most likely not accurate, it's just me thinking silly things again but I am not at ease until my questions are answered.

     - Philip... - I place down my knife and fork while looking at him. – What demons are you fighting?

     A shocked expression appears on his face but that is only natural, it is not something people would usually ask. I guess that he wasn't expecting me to take any type of initiative on this as well.

     - Well... - Philip drinks a little bit from his water. – That's a long story June.

     - I have time. – I say while placing in my mouth a potato slice.

     - Do you remember the first year you came here? – he asks me and I nod. I do remember but it's only from the most recent years like from when I was six years old or something similar. I came here as a baby once and then I only came back here when I was six, that I do know for sure. – I knew your brother.

     What? Philip knew William? I mean they have the same age and my brother used to hang around here quite a lot so it is only natural that they would know each other... Then why does my heart feel so heavy?

     - When I was ten my parents got divorced and my dad insisted on me moving with him to France. I would drop here from time to time but never for a long time. I only moved back again when I heard of your brother's passing. – he clenches his fists on the table. –I wanted to come earlier but my dad is... - he lets out a sight. – a complicated person.

     I was hearing him patiently while nodding to make him understand that I was here, listening, understanding, and believing in him.

     - You most likely don't remember me due to that but I was always playing with you, Emily and William. Especially when you two were a lot younger. – he gives me a kind but hurting smile. – Your brother was an amazing person and I just wish I could've been here before, maybe that would have saved him and maybe that would've saved you from all the pain and misery you went through.

     I was trying to remember Philip's presence when I was younger but it was all just a blank. That was also my fault, after the accident, in order to protect my own sanity I tried to delete most of my memories of my brother from my brain, failing miserably in most cases. Philip was wearing a burdening expression, hurting on the inside but always happy on the outside, or that is what he always wanted us to think.

     - I don't remember you Philip but the truth is, no matter how many possibilities you think of, you couldn't save him. – I let out a sigh as I push my hair back. – No one could.

     - I am aware of that but I guess it's stronger than me.

     - Nothing is stronger than you. – I look into his eyes. - You are just doing that to yourself.

    I grab his hand and give him a smile, a warm smile for a change.

    - "What if's" will haunt you all your life in everything but only if you let them. So don't let them.

     We finished our dinner and Philip paid the bill. Outside it was already night with the full moon shining brightly over the ocean, reflecting on the waves. The cold night breeze was blowing against my skin, making it feel colder. The stars would sparkle as they would never in the city, they were beautiful.

     - Philip – I said as he looked at me. – Let's go to the beach.

     - It's night and it's cold, you should go home or you might get si... - he started giving arguments but I was already without my snickers feeling the tickling cold sand blending with my feet.

     I approached the sand closer to the water and as the sea touched my feet I felt a shiver down my spine because, weirdly enough the water was warm, at least warmer than the temperature outside. I hear Philip walking behind me and, after a couple of seconds, he finally reaches my side letting his feet sink in the warm water.

     "Sometimes we have to be strong for others" those were the words the prevented me from crying my heart out when Philip mentioned to me he was friends with my brother. Just thinking of William makes my heart scream in pain and it is even worse if I actually talk about him. I couldn't let him see me like that though, Philip already has enough weight on his shoulders, if he truly saw how dark was my state of mind regarding my brother he would only feel more guilty, and most likely he wouldn't be able to heal. That's why I had to hold everything in.

     - You think he is watching? – Philip asked while his head lifts up and his eyes were focused on the stars. His light brown hair was waving and his glasses reflected the moonlight.

     - I think he is. – I let out a small chuckle. – I bet he even has the front row seat!

     Philip looks at me while I cleaned a small tear that had left my eyes. I pretended it was a tear from laughing but I know well enough that it wasn't.

     - I promised your brother that I would look after you. – he said while he places his cold hand on my warm cheek. – He was always reckless so he was scared something would happen to him. I tried to visit you after his death but you wouldn't see anyone. You had your own demons to fight.

     - I'm alright now though, I won't go back into the state that I was in. – I give him a warm smile. – I'm older now you know?

     - You still want to know what my demons are, June? – Philip asked me while placing another hand on my cheek. I nod affirmatively. – You are.

     His body starts getting closer to mine along with his face however he stops and lets me go. I did hear him whisper something but he also changed his mind about that, I think I heard "June, I...". My heart was beating fast I mean, did he just tried to kiss me? Does he like me? What does he mean by "I am his demon"? I did get some enlightenment but now I only have more questions. I'm so confused.

     - Let's go home, June. – Philip says while giving me a warm smile.

     After a twenty minutes walk, we reach my house. We didn't talk, I didn't have the courage to ask and he didn't want to start any type of conversation. It was... awkward, to say the least.