Before Me, Him

Chapter 47

     Rodrick unstops the elevator and leaves without saying a word as the doors open. I quickly get up and run to the bus stop. In the process, the tears had dried up but my whole body was still shivering. "Why was he here?" I questioned myself "From every single person in the world, why was he here?". Maybe I was just extremely unlucky or maybe this was karma for all the wrong deeds I did in my life. I just wanted to go back to my room and be able to hide from everything and everyone. Most likely I would have to ask the university to allow me to switch classes even though I don't know what strong argument I could use for it.

     Around forty minutes pass when I reach my house. As I was getting closer to the door I could hear my mom and my dad yelling at each other. I came at a terrible timing. "Should I enter?" I was asking myself impatiently. I look to the sky to see it getting darker and darker, this was a sign, it had to be.

     - Why do you keep blaming her Don? – my mom asked my dad.

     - It's her fucking fault, Diana! How could I not? – my dad's voice was echoing even louder.

     I turn the knob and they both stare at me without saying a word. I don't talk about it, I just pretend I never saw it. Slowly I close the door and go to the kitchen, placing my computer and my notebooks out of my bag. As I was going back upstairs with my backpack I hear him.

     - It's your fault. You should be dead June. –I turn around to see my dad crying while looking straight at me. – You killed him, it's your fault.

     - Don! It's not her fault, William made his choice! – my mom starts approaching Don in order to calm him down but he just shoves her right off.

     Diana falls on the floor right in front of my eyes and now I could feel shivers running up and down my spine. I don't remember when was the last time I've seen him like this.

     - It's true. You little bitch. You were always envious of your brother. He was better than you at everything and you couldn't stand it. – he starts walking towards me. – No one wants you June, you're better off somewhere else where I can't see you.

     I thought I did not care about him anymore. I thought I was over this. I thought that his words meant nothing to me since I was no one to him but, right now, hearing him say such terrible words was just making me feel worse and worse as I was falling into a hole that I would not return of.

     - I did not kill him, dad. – I say while tears were rolling down my face. I was trying my best to stay composed and not lose it but I have my limits.

     - Liar! It was your fault! You're filthy! – he was screaming in my face and I could smell the amount of alcohol in his organism from his breath. Fucking drunk. – Leave before I...

     Before you drink more?

     Before you beat me?

     Before you kill me?

     These were the thoughts going on in my head as I understood how complicated the situation was. I can't find the words to describe my feelings until I hear her voice.

You're angry June. You're scared.

     No, shut up. I'm fine. He's not going to do anything, he's just very drunk.

Are you certain?

     Yes, I am!

Then why are you shivering?

     My knees were shivering. I didn't know what to do. My heart was racing of how scared I was. Am I really that filthy? Is it really my fault? Should I really be gone? All I ever wanted was to be normal, to fit in, to have friends, to be someone that would make other people proud. In the end, I could not be any of that because I'm just a demon, someone that was born into this world to bring sadness and desperation to poor human souls. As I looked into my father's eyes I could see the pain in them as he was saying these words, he was in so much pain. The tears dripping off his eyes couldn't fool anyone.

See June... It is your fault... You made him like this.

     I didn't, it was not my fault... That's what I wanted to reply but at this point, I didn't know anymore. The only thing I know for certain is that William is dead and it was...

     - It was not my fault dad... - I said softly as my own confidence was being dissipated in every single second that passed. After I got through my dark phase I accepted the fact that it wasn't my fault but I never embraced it, so this was bound to happen sooner or later. Deep down I still felt terribly guilty because of it and I knew that whether I wanted to face it or not, it had been my fault.

     As I finish my sentence my father punches me in my cheek and my world falls down. My knees lose their remaining strength as my dad waves back, most likely he was feeling dizzy from all the booze in his system. It happened. Again. I start tasting the sweet taste of fresh blood and, it was at that moment that I understood that I had ripped part of my lip. My mom was looking at me, crying her heart out but without knowing how to react. What could she do? She doesn't have the strength to oppose my father so it's more than natural that she can only show her desperation in her silence.

     I thought this could be different, I thought that with the vacation they went on we could go back to being a family but I was wrong. I never belonged here, I was never wanted here in the first place. I was just delaying the inevitable, I should have just ended everything as soon as William died. Like that, I wouldn't have caused them such misery and despair that created the monster that just punched me.

How are you going to atone for your sins, June?

You shouldn't be here, June.

Pay for your mistakes June!

     Her voice was echoing through my head and then suddenly everything became crystal clear. I knew what I needed to do and where I needed to go. I don't think I've ever been more certain of something in my life. I throw the backpack on the floor right after removing my wallet.

     I get up and walk towards the door. I could hear my mom's low voice trying to reach me "Where are you going June?" right before my dad screamed his lungs out "Don't come back!". I close the door behind me and start walking towards the train station.