Before Me, Him

Chapter 41

     Yesterday we managed to read all the books I had brought and I don't think that in terms of research we could do something more. Surprisingly, after the whole situation, Luke actually calmed himself down and started reading. He ended up finishing his book in the next hours. Overall there was no obvious solution for Autumn. None of the books specified how to approach this specific problem that had risen since horses would always eat the hay, with medicine or without it. It was extremely stressful and demotivating, I mean they even helped me a lot and we couldn't find anything helpful. I feel like I wasted their time since they all tried so hard.

     It's Saturday morning, around eleven and today I didn't go help Robert. He told me that he had to go to the main city, Hollum, to fix somethings for his grandson so some friends would be taking care of the farm for him. He said that he would be back Tuesday, at least that's what he was counting on.

     The feeling is weird though, waking up in the morning and not going to be with all those animals or even helping Robert out. It feels like something is missing, something important. Maybe it is just me that got too used to that type of routine. I guess that was it. The comfort they provided me, their warmth was what made me want to wake up every morning. Nevertheless, I couldn't stop worrying about Autumn. "Would he be able to eat?" I thought. "Would he be alright? Would he be scared?" I questioned myself.

     I was in the garden of the house, drinking some cold tea while my skin was being bathed by the sunlight. It was too quiet since Emily was still asleep, she went to bed extremely late last night from what I was told by Therese. That was the reason why I was thinking about these things. If I was busy with something this wouldn't happen, my thoughts wouldn't chase me. Amusement chases them away but, right now, there was nothing amusing to me.

     In my mind, I had several drawers, all of them with their own space and with their own emotions. Every person that I knew had one, even though most of their drawers were small, so small that, with time, they would disappear. People's actions however had a lot more space that kept growing bigger and bigger as time flows by. I also have a couple of drawers of emotions due to certain events in my life but those were the dangerous ones, the ones who shall not be named or thought about. They are the ones who provide me with my usual dose of nightmares and that create uneasiness inside my heart. They are the ones that make me shiver, the ones that make me cry, the ones that I wish could just disappear without a trace.

     William was the main drawer, the drawer that kept my life together, the one that required more space. Even today his drawer is the one that is the biggest but, at the same time, the darkest one. My brother's drawer was one of the few that should not be opened because, if that were to happen, bad things would follow. 

     When my brother died, I stayed locked in my room for a long time. I would be too scared to sleep since he was the one that appeared in my nightmares. I would be too anxious to eat, so my weight went down, a lot. My eyes would be too hurt to see so my room was filled with darkness, no light would get in from the windows or even from the lamps. My voice would be too muffled with regret to make a sound so it never showed itself. The voices in my head would crumble my sanity apart, bit by bit, making me lose pieces of my memory, of my soul, of the person I once was. 

     After several months I left that room but I wasn't the same. Everything related to William was fuzzy, people we knew, things we did. However, I would remember the accident and what we did when we were kids. Only the most recent memories were affected. I ended up becoming a programmed robot that would act like a human being according to society: I would smile when needed, interact with people when necessary, show something similar to emotions when problems would arise but, the truth is, all of that was being controlled by my brain.

     Emily had, as well, a rather big drawer in my mind. She was my friend ever since we were little so it is only natural. Even so, after my brother's passing, our friendship changed. She didn't do anything wrong, I was the one who backed away from her in order to protect her, or so I thought. Nowadays I am aware that I wasn't trying to protect Emily's sanity, instead, I was trying to protect my own. If I had no contact with her so I wouldn't be reminded of William and, the memories that once were lost would not return to me.

     My family is a whole different matter. Both Therese and my Mom had similar-sized drawers, they were both kind and warm. They always tried their best for me, ever since I was a kid. If there is a heaven, they for sure will be going there once they are gone. On the other hand, there is John, who is also a good soul but I was never too attached to him, he is a man that doesn't like to show his feelings often so I never opened myself to him. He never impacted me as much as Therese and my mom did. 

     In regards to my father, it is hard to say. He used to be important but, nowadays he is a rather small drawer that is glued to my heart and, due to that, it is impossible to fade away. Before William's death, my father was good to me but he always liked my brother more. He was his "baby boy". I was always the other one so while he would give William all his love and attention I would receive less than one percent of it. After the accident, my dad would come to me and punch me in the face, claiming it was my fault. I would cry myself to sleep at night even though, the cloth that surrounded my best friend, the ice pack, ended up embracing some of my sorrowful tears. Ever since that night he never talked to me again, looked at me, or even touched me, unless he was too drunk and needed a punching bag to embrace his sorrows and regrets. Time passed like it always has, and his impact in my life grew smaller and smaller until he meant nothing more to me.

     Life is hard and unfair. I've learned that already but for now, my life, looks brighter and I feel lucky to be able to experience that feeling. It will only last for a couple more days before I go back to my home Wednesday afternoon. 

     Once I go back, my routine will be the same as it always was: being by myself most of the time and avoiding people. I guess I would just become the social doll I always have been instead of the person that I am now.

     My phone vibrates and I check it. There was a message from Luke saying "I'm sorry for yesterday. I want to make up for it so I thought we could all go to the amusement park today?". I let out a sigh and reply "Ok". It is summer, it is sunny and there is a pleasant breeze in the air. It is not a day for me to sit at home and start opening drawers that were better off closed.

     I get up from my chair and go to my room in order to get dressed. As I was searching through my clothes I find one of my favorite tops, it is a tight black shirt with some grey glitter on it and an exposed back. I grab my dark blue denim ripped jeans and pick up my black-colored handbag. I had brought one even though, most of the time I'd rather use my backpack, it is a lot lighter and has more space for everything I might need.

     Once I reach the kitchen I see Emily already dressed up with a short light pink dress that was rather tight from the waist up, heating up some leftover food from yesterday's dinner for both of us. It showed off her female figure quite well. She was wearing a light brown pair of high heels alongside two small earrings in the shape of a pearl. Her blonde curly hair was waving with the kind breeze coming in from the window and her skin was shinning as if she had just come out of a spa. Thirty minutes later we finish eating and go out without forgetting to leave a small note to Therese about where we were heading off to.