Before Me, Him

Chapter 15

     A week passed in a blink. It was already Wednesday. The rest of the week went quite alright I went every morning to help Robert with his animals and, during the afternoons, I would go with Emily to walk around the area. We went to the beach a couple of times so my usually pearly white skin got a little tanned, however, it wasn't tanned enough to hide some of my veins. "Maybe at the end of the month I'll be able to actually be extremely, naturally, tanned" I thought. We did hang out with Phillip, Jacob, and Dean some days, other days Emily preferred to spend them with me alone.

     "He was a friend." That was the answer I gave Jacob that day. I felt a little bit relieved for being able to talk like that to someone besides Emily. It was kind of like a breath of fresh air had swiped me off my feet. Even then it troubled me. I could feel sort of at peace but the truth is that part of me regrets giving him that type of information. I think I might have opened myself way too much that day. "No one should be able to cry over spoiled milk" I reassured myself.

     This week the trio won't be with us. I don't fully know the details but from what Emily told me Jacob went somewhere with his family while Dean and Phillip had some family matters to sort out. For me, it was great, fewer troubles equal less anxiety inside of me. Those three but especially Jacob would just bring afloat the bad sides of me. I guess that's just my defense mechanism working because, in the end, I don't really hate them but I don't like them either.

     Today Emily wanted to stay at home, she was feeling a little bit upset even though she didn't tell me what was actually bugging her. Sometimes I just needed to be persistent that she would, eventually, tell me what was going on and start opening up to me.

     - Emily? – I say after knocking on her room door.

     - Come in. – she replies as I enter the room and see her laying on her bed in her pajama.

     - What's going on? Do you need to talk? – I question her while I sit on the chair next to her bed. Her eyes look to mine and she hugs her plushie tighter.

     - I don't know June... Dean is so complicated. – as I feared, it was about Dean. – I've told him how I felt but he refuses to give a response. He just laughs it off, as if it was a joke. It hurts.

     - I think Dean is not a good person Em... I've seen him doing things that I don't think should be done when taking your feelings into account you know? – I say while patting her head gently. – You will find someone better.

     - No June! I love Dean. – Emily sits straight on her bed. – I truly do. I just wanted to know how he feels but he always dodges the question...

     - Why do you love Dean? Have you asked that to yourself? Maybe you just think he is handsome and that is why he makes your heart race.

     - Of course, he is handsome but it's more than that. When William died I ended up in a bad spot and of course, Jacob and Philip helped but Dean... If I couldn't sleep he would be with me on the phone until I could rest. If I was stressed he would pet me in my head and say "It's alright" and then give me a kind smile! It's more than that June... - out of a sudden her eyes look at me and a serious expression appears on her face. – You wouldn't understand! You didn't call, you didn't talk! The only reason you are here is because of your parents otherwise you would be alone as well!

     I didn't know how to reply. It's true that I didn't talk to Emily anymore but that was just because I didn't want to bring more sadness into her life. When we lost William I thought it would be better for Emily to lose my contact otherwise she would be reminded of his presence. I just wanted to help her.

     - I sent you letters! I sent you emails! I called your house! You never picked up! You just placed yourself in your little corner and cut everyone from your life! – tears start rolling down her face. – You always cut everyone because you think it's for the best but it's not!

     - Em... I just thought that if I went away it would be easier, you wouldn't be reminded of William. I did what I did for you!

     - Liar! You didn't. You did it for yourself! You don't let anyone approach you because it's easier for you! You cut everyone from your life because it was easier for you! It's always about you! Don't you see? – Emily's sobbing words here mixed with hiccups.

     - I... - I looked at her. That small and fragile figure crying her heart out from everything she was holding on, all these years. I guess she is right. I do cut people from my life but it's not for their sake, it's for my sake. I was deluding myself, once again. I felt disgusting. "How could I have been so selfish all this time?" As Emily's tears rolled down her face I understood the consequence of my actions: the heart that I least wanted to scar ended up broken by my own egoism.

     My arms grab Emily tight and from my mouth, the only words that would come out were "I'm sorry". There are not enough apologies to heal her broken heart. I was feeling devastated, her tears wetting my clothes and her screams were being muffled on my shirt.

     Neither Therese nor John appeared in the room. I assume they knew Emily's feelings so they must have been waiting for the bottle to blow so now it was my job to handle them.

     After fifteen long minutes of crying, Emily managed to take a nap. She'll be alright now, I'll be alright now. As I was leaving the room her phone rang, it was Jacob. I picked it up.

"

Hey Emily, how are you?

- Hi. – I replied.

June? What are you doing on Emily's phone?

- She's asleep. – a quiet few seconds pass. – I had something to ask you, Jacob.

What is it? Is everything alright? Are you alright?

- Everything is fine. Do you happen to know Emily's favorite place?

You're the cousin, shouldn't you?

- Yes but I don't anymore. That's why I'm asking you.

Jacob throws a couple of laughs into the air before replying.

It would be Ulla, you know, the amusement park.

- Alright, thanks.

June... - he says before turning off the call. - I'll be back next Thursday, be safe until then.

"

"What was the necessity of stating that?" I felt uneasy. I just left it be, not worth the bother. Tomorrow we'll be going to the amusement park, I want to cheer Emily up.