Before Me, Him

Chapter 25

"

Wait. 

He whispered into my ear. 

Me. 

He said. 

Wait for me.

He screamed as he pulled me into the abyss.

"

     I wake up suddenly with my head spinning. I hate nightmares. I don't have them often but when I do I end up being shaken pretty bad. My hands trembled and my body was shivering from fright. I don't understand why the dream shook me this much.

    At first, it was just me and Luke hanging around at the top of a mountain, and then, out of a sudden he disappears and after hearing a voice I feel someone pushing me into the abyss and not letting me go. I am assuming this happened due to the last conversation I had with him.

     Looking at the clock I could see it was half-past four am, I would wake up in half an hour either way. Slowly, I get up and grab my backpack. I open a small box with several different pills and take one of them with the glass of water I always keep on my bedside table. It was a medicine that made me calmer, like a tranquilizer. When my brother died I would take this pill alongside others to be able to quiet my mind and body, allowing me to sleep. Nowadays I only take them when I have really bad dreams that make me like this. If I don't, I can stay trembling the whole day, I've tested it.

     I grab a coat and go take a shower in order to cool off some steam from all the nerves. Around half-past five am I leave the house to go help Robert at his small farm with his wonderful animals. Since I was ready earlier I decided to walk. The first time I arrived at his house I went through the fields, ending up taking hours, however, if I follow the road I should take around forty minutes, give or take. I felt that it would be good for me to calm myself. I really didn't want to think more about this weird dream I just had.

     It was a quarter past six am when I arrived at Robert's house but, for a change, he wasn't outside. I knocked on the door and, after a couple of minutes, a man figure with his dark blue pajama filled with light blue stripes appears before me. He had just woken up, I could see it by his yawning and red eyes.

     - I'm sorry Robert, did I wake you? – I say with a soft voice.

     - You are on time, I was the one who overslept. – Robert lets out a chuckle while yawning several times in a row. – Make yourself at home, I'm going to get dressed.

     I enter and head straight to the kitchen. I'm sure Robert hasn't eaten anything yet so I thought it would be nice if I could prepare him some food. I look around on his shelves and find some bread from yesterday. On his fridge, he had some jams: one from strawberry and one from a pumpkin. I toasted the bread and applied the strawberry jam, it is my favorite. I place them on a plate and warm up some milk with honey.

     - It smells great! – he says with a smile on his face. – Strawberry, I love it.

     Robert starts eating and we end up chatting a little bit.

     - You look tired today June, are you alright? – he asks while drinking a little bit of the sweet warm milk.

     - I'm good but I didn't sleep that well. Had this awful nightmare. – I let out a sight while looking outside the window.

     "Today is a weird day" I thought. The sun is not sparkling as it usually does in August. Right now he is covered, behind the clouds and the air is as cold as October's wind. Today didn't feel right.

     - Want to talk about it child? – he asked me as his comfortable hazelnut eyes looked into mine. – I promise I will take your secrets to the grave. – Robert jokes to lighten up the mood.

     - I had a nightmare. – I give a hurt smile. – With someone I know.

     Then, I start explaining more clearly the whole situation to Robert. I told him about Luke: who he was, how we met, our relationship, his betrayal, and yesterday's conversation. I also told him what I remembered about tonight's dream. For almost half an hour Robert didn't talk, he just listened to me letting out some steam. I think that even if I had taken longer he would still not rush me, he would just patiently wait for me until the end.

     - You have a lot inside yourself June, and a lot of weight on your shoulders. It must be tough but you are a strong girl. – he delivers a smile as warm as summer. – Don't be afraid, child.

     I don't know why or how but his words triggered something within me. It is almost as if something had clicked and some sense started to be made. My shoulders somehow felt lighter as if part of the weight had been lifted with the touch of an angel. And, weirdly enough, my heart felt warmer than what it was before.

     Robert was right. I've lived my life afraid.

     Afraid to get attached.

     Afraid to be loved.

     Afraid to be touched.

     Afraid to be noticed.

     Afraid to feel.

     Afraid to do everything I really wanted.

     I had lived a fearful life, running from myself and from others without taking into account the future. The dream I had was proof of that. "Wait for me" I didn't want to wait for him, I was afraid. I was scared he wouldn't give up, I was scared he would give himself up. I was scared of him, I was scared for him. His whole existence, for me, was a fear that I needed to let go. Besides my brother and my father, Luke had been the only boy I had allowed to be one step closer to me. He had been the first boy I felt something for, he was the first guy I thought I could love but in the end, I was only able to "love" him to a certain extent. Maybe it was my fault. I was too scared to commit with my heart fully and ended up ruining our chances. I feel guilty.

     - Don't cry over spoiled milk June. – Robert said as he noticed that my thoughts were drifting away to darker areas.

     He is right. I can't know if we would have worked out or not if I would have been different if I would have behaved differently. The past is past and that is all it will ever be. I won't overthink it, I will do what I can to change what's ahead of me, that's where my focus should belong.

     After a couple of hours, I went back home, feeling lighter and happier however I was still very concerned with Autumn. He still wasn't eating and the advice I had gotten from the village's vet's hadn't worked out. I will stop by the library to rent several horse books I ordered last week, maybe they will have the answer.

     As I look into the clouded sky I notice some small rays of sunshine starting to appear and a sense of relief took care of my soul. The day was right again. I was going to be alright again. Whatever is broken can be fixed. Time and effort are all I need.