Before Me, Him

Chapter 44

     A couple of days passed in a blink and now it is Tuesday. Tomorrow I will be going back to Hollum after lunch. Deep down I really didn't want to, I just wanted to stay here. A calm and kind place where the breeze carried happiness instead of remorse or even sorrow. I shouldn't have grown attached, that was my own fault. I was pretty well aware of the situation, of everything to be exact and I let my feelings and my emotions go in too deep. That's the true reason why I don't wish to go, if only I had been faithful to my principles this wouldn't have happened.

     It's currently three o'clock, I already had my lunch and, in the morning, I went to help Robert since he returned yesterday afternoon. Unfortunately, Autumn didn't eat anything as usual and I still haven't found the courage within myself to tell Robert that I would leave tomorrow. Maybe it's because I really don't want to say goodbye or maybe it's because I don't want to show my sadness to him. I'm aware that I won't be coming back here soon, this month was an exception, a really lucky exception.

     I'm placing everything in its rightful zone: cleaning up the room and the desk, removing the clothes from the wardrobe, and placing them in my bag. I'm also taking this time to do some laundry, that way I won't have to do it when I get home.

Home. 

     Now that I think about it, it feels weird. That house, where I've always lived, where I've grown, in that thoughtless city, doesn't feel like my home anymore. Even though my mom is kind and always tries her best, my dad ends up ignoring my whole existence. Even the bloody city is terrible: it is filled with noisy cars that make you have headaches, the air is bathed in the disgusting smell of factories, the people are mere strangers whose life was stolen from their eyes just to be replaced by the fake smiles they wear every single day, the sun comes out to greet it's people just to be reflected by everything it touches. It is not a good place, it is not a place I want to be.

     Part of me is praying that my parents will take the initiative and say "You can stay there June" but I am well aware that, sadly, that's not how things go in my family. Even if my mom suggests it, my dad will just ignore the idea, like he always does. On the other hand, another part of me wants to say something. Therese did say I could stay if I wanted, that I truly didn't need to leave. She is kind, so kind. I couldn't make her carry my burden. That's when the last part of me appears in the picture: you don't belong here. It is the truth, I don't belong in this environment, I never did. I came because I was forced and now I'm also leaving because I am being forced to but, no matter what, I will still be a stranger to Vella, an outsider enjoying the summer sun while it shines.

     I've got to admit though, I really wish things were different. If my brother hadn't passed away I would've been here a lot more often, I would've met them all under different circumstances and maybe, just maybe, I could've... It doesn't matter, it is unrealistic.

     - It's already tomorrow? – Emily says after opening my room door. She had a gloomy expression on her face.

     - I'll be going tomorrow after lunch. – I say while giving her a sorrowful smile.

     - Will you come back, June? – she closes the door and quickly puts her hands on top of my bag. – You will right?

     - I don't know yet Emily but I will try. – I remove her hands from the bag as I kept folding my clothes. That wasn't true, I knew I wouldn't come back. It would be for the best if I didn't but, the truth is if I said I wasn't planning on returning Emily wouldn't let me leave. Knowing her, she would make a huge fuss until I promised to return. I can't do that.

     - You don't look confident... – Emily looks at me and her eyes started to sparkle. She was starting to tear up. I walk towards her and give her a tight hug while petting her head softly. She was a bit shorter than me so it was almost like I was her older sister. – Promise you will return.

     - I'm just a bit sad about leaving, that's all Emily. – I was well aware that it was another blunt lie. I wasn't just a "bit sad", I was devastated. I wanted to stay here so much that my heart would ache every time I would think about leaving. – I'll try my best, I promise.

     After fifteen minutes Emily finally stopped crying. She was a complete wreck not like I was one to talk. My mind was everywhere and anywhere but here. My anxiety levels were high and I didn't feel safe due to what had happened at the amusement park. I didn't want to go back to what I once was.

That dark room.

That evil voice.

My own reflection.

His screams filled with despair.

     I wanted all of that to be gone and never appear again. It is not something I can erase from myself, even though I tried. Medication and therapists helped as far as they could but I only got better after I accepted it. Sadly, accepting a problem, acknowledging the existence of something so dark, will cause a short period of peace, until hell breaks loose again.

     Emily leaves the room since she decided that she would invite everyone for dinner. She wanted to do something similar to a farewell party. I wasn't particularly happy with the idea since I would have to interact with them which, in a way, would make me think more about the whole leaving situation. "She could just something for us. That would be better." I thought to myself, however, when she had the idea I couldn't bring myself to say it. I felt like it would be unfair and hurtful. Maybe I was overreacting but that is how I truly felt.

     Eight o'clock comes alongside the birth of the moon on the horizon, showing all its elegance and illuminating all the wandering souls that travel on this land. I managed to finish most of the things today so that I would be able to go help Robert tomorrow morning. As I walk downstairs I hear several laughs and, of course, Polly's extremely loud voice, yelling at Luke for some reason.

     - Hello June. – says Jacob while approaching me. – Are you all packed?

     - Yes I managed to finish everything. – I say while walking to the kitchen. Emily and Therese had cooked some chicken breasts with some pasta and salad. Jacob followed me to the kitchen while everyone else stayed in the living room.

     - You don't look too happy about going back. – he states while handing me a plate.

     - I am happy though. – I start placing some food on the plate when, out of a sudden, Jacob puts something around my neck. – What did you do?

     - Now that you borrowed my necklace you will have to come back to return it. –he smirks and pets my head before returning to the living room.

     "Did he just see through me?" I thought to myself. He must have, that is the only explanation. I look down to see one of Jacob's black necklaces on me. 

     How come he always knows what to say? 

     How come he always knows how to act? 

     How come he has the courage to do things like this? 

     How come he is able to, without any effort, read my mind?