Before Me, Him

Chapter 45

     The sun wasn't glowing yet and I was already awake. I barely slept at night, my mind was everywhere, looking for a place to land but couldn't find any safe haven. I get up slowly and go to the balcony to look at the night sky. 

     The stars were shining as they always would since nothing could bother them alongside the beautiful moon that was reflecting all the good deeds in this world. The wind was blowing coldly as if it already knew that my body wouldn't be able to be warm today. I start doing my usual routine, take a shower, grab some food and I'm off.

     As I was walking towards Robert's house, clarity started to show but the sun was hidden. Some clouds must have gathered as I was getting ready and the so cleared sky was now covered in grey sending raining threats to us. I was nervous, more like anxious actually.

     Today I was going home.

     Today is the last time I will see them.

     Today I have to tell Robert.

     Today I have to be able to make Autumn eat.

     Today is a tough day. I was not prepared for it, I never was.

     - The weather looks dull today, doesn't it June? – says Robert after opening his front door with a beautifully kind smile. – Come on in!

     I follow Robert inside as we do the typical morning chat. "I need to tell him." I thought to myself.

     - Robert... - I place my hand on his shoulder softly. – Can we talk?

     - Of course child. – he grabs himself a chair and sits at his dining table. I sit in front of him. His gorgeous hazelnut eyes were focused on mine and his expression was peaceful and kind. I was scared, I didn't know how to react. I know I need to tell him, I know that but how will he react? I'm scared.

     - I'll be going back today, to Hollum. – I clench my fists on the table. – I don't know if I will be back.

     - So that's what you had on your mind yesterday, I see... - his expression didn't change for a split second but I could understand, from the tone of his voice, that he got sad. That's not what I wanted but sadly, it was what I had expected. –June, we only have one chance, so make the most of it. You are a wise child so have some confidence in yourself.

     He was trying to cheer me up. I guess he did understand how painful this decision was to me and, maybe, he was trying to make me feel more secure about it. I wonder when did his words start to impact me so much.

     Soon enough we start working on the farm, treating all the animals. Somehow today they all looked different as if they were able to understand the whole situation and were showing their grief. They were a lot warmer and hanged out closer to me. I guess that I was the big fool on this one, how could I ever think that Robert was delusional when I was the one blindfolded?

     Today Autumn didn't even look at me, no matter how much I called him, he just completely ignored my presence. I was devastated. I tried so hard, everyone tried so hard for this, and we still failed. My heart was broken in two when I left Robert's house. He was waving me goodbye with a smile on his face but I could see the sadness in his eyes.

     Soon enough it was lunchtime and I barely ate. I couldn't stop thinking about everything.

 About me. 

About them. 

About him. 

     My thoughts were bouncing from person to person, from place to place, from moment to moment, without showing any signs of slowing down. My heart was aching so much that I almost couldn't breathe.

     - Are you ready sweetheart? – says Therese with a warm smile. I nod my head and we both take my bags to John's car. Emily didn't want to come and Therese had to stay at home since she had something's to attend to afterward.

     The trip was long, so long. It felt as if it would never end, an endless road to deliver a lost soul. It kind of had a nice ring to it. We passed through valleys, plains, small forest areas until we started seeing factories and then, civilization. I wish I could've stayed in that car, I wish I wouldn't have left in the first place. "Why June? Why?" I asked myself pitifully.

      - Welcome back dear! – says my mom while holding me in a warm embrace the moment I left the car. She was wearing a low ponytail that was keeping her dark brown hair tight and in place. Her apron was filled with stains so, most likely, she was baking something for dinner or for a snack in the middle of the afternoon. Her warm but extremely normal brown eyes were sparkling in happiness, almost shedding a couple of tears. I noticed that she had also gained some extra weight, so I ended up being slightly happy. My mom used to have the weight every lady of her age has but, ever since we lost my brother she lost a ridiculous amount of weight. At times, she would pass out or even faint so, from time to time, she would have to go to the hospital for a couple of days before coming back home. – I missed you so much!

      - Hi mom. I missed you too, how were the vacations? – I asked as I brought my bags inside the house.

     Diana was my mom's name. A somewhat romantic name if I can say but, at the same time, tragical. She started to explain everything about her vacations: all the monuments and museums she had visited, how much they had walked, how the weather was during that month, among other different things. Me and John were sitting at the kitchen table, listening carefully to everything she was saying as her eyes glittered with excitement. We were all drinking a cup of tea, green tea to be exact, as my mom waited for the yogurt cake to finish baking.

     - Where's Don? – John questions as he looks around and doesn't find my dad.

     - Oh, he went out with some friends. – she drinks a little bit of tea. – He should be back later.

     - I see... - John looks at me sadly and I understood it straight away. My dad hadn't changed. He was still avoiding me and he decided to go out with his friends to avoid meeting me. – How are things between you two?

     - They are... - my mom puts down the teacup. – Alright I suppose. During the trip he looked happier and less worried, we even managed to interact with each other more than what we usually do but today it looks as if he woke up with his feet out of the bed. He's been grumpy all morning.

     Of course, he is. I'm home, how couldn't he be grumpy? How couldn't he love the idea of having me in this house with him? He must be extremely delighted. I get up and say goodbye to John as I go to my room with my bags and lock myself in. I don't want to see my dad today, I'm not emotionally prepared for that. I need time and space. I need...