Before Me, Him

Chapter 68

     His face slowly starts to gain distance from mine and I regain my ground. I take a couple of steps back as I look into Philip's worried expression. He was anxious, waiting to get an answer from me.

     - I'm sorry... I have to go! – I state as I start running towards the door and down the stairs. Running as fast as I can, I could feel the cold on my blushed cheeks. My body burned and my head was a mess. "What the fuck was this?" I thought to myself.

     - June! What's wrong? – Emily asks as I pass by her. I didn't even see it was her but I recognized her voice. I kept on running, I had to. I needed a place to be alone, a place to think without anyone disturbing me. I need to leave the campus.

     As I kept on running on the halls of the building I could feel the judging stares of all the other students as they mumbled words that were ignored by my senses. I reach the council in a flash and start searching for my bag. It was not where I left it.

     - Where the fuck is it? – I whisper to myself angrily.

     - Are you looking for this? – as I look back I see the president blocking the door while holding onto my school bag. – You were gone for too long so I took some precautions. Where were you?

     - None of your fucking business. – I state as I grab the bag and push it towards me making his grip loosen and getting full control of it. I place it on my back as I look Mason in the eye. – Move.

     - Getting a bit cocky aren't we? – his lips start portraiting an evil smile as he closes and locks the door behind him. – I thought I told you to behave June.

    - I'm behaving the way I want to. I'm not your pet, Poodle. – I state as I push my hair back. – Now move.

    - Poodle? – for a couple of seconds his face starts portraiting a confused expression however, soon enough, he got the gist of it. – I see. What happened? You look like you are about to cry.

     - I said move. – I yell at him as I feel my blood boil. "Please let me leave" That's exactly what I was thinking. He wouldn't bulge, standing firm and steady with the same dull expression. – Please... let me leave. I need to leave... Please...

     I feel tears start leaving my eyes and I cover my face as I look to the wooden floor. I didn't want him, out of all people, to see me like this. "Why am I crying?" I couldn't really understand. What is the real reason behind these tears? Is it because Philip confessed his feelings for me? Or is it because I already know the answer I need to give him? I can't even think of the main reason without understanding the value and the meaning behind these tears. Was I crying out of sadness? Or maybe out of regret? Maybe out of happiness? Out of love?

     Suddenly I find the smell of coffee in Mason's warmth as he places his arms around my shoulders and embraces me. I was in such a state of shock that my body froze for a couple of seconds.

     - It's alright, you can let it all out. – he says in a really kind voice as he placed his hand on my hair and started petting it. "No... I don't want this." I thought to myself as he held me. I pushed him away and cleaned my tears as I did my best to keep them frozen in time, at least for now.

     - I really want to go home Mason... I'm sorry, please let me go. – I ask as I tried not to sob too much while talking. He lets out a sigh and unlocks the door. My hand picks the doorknob and my feet start walking down the hall.

     I kept on walking at a fast pace until I pass by the tree where Jacob was laying down a while ago. It was now empty and colder than once was. "Did he go home?" I wondered for a glimpse of a second before reminding myself of what had just happened again. After leaving the university campus I decided to walk a bit. If I went home I would have to interact with Therese and John... I can't deal with them right now.

     So I walked and walked until I got on a bus and reached Robert's house. The sun was setting already and I felt a sharp pain in my chest as I saw the last colors that the day had to offer before becoming one with the beautiful night sky.

     - Oh my... What are you doing here my child? – Robert questions me right after he opens the wooden door. Tears start dripping out of my face as I enter his house. – Would you like some tea to cool your nerves June?

     I nod as I sit in a chair close to his main table. A couple of minutes pass by and Robert serves me an apple and cinnamon tea with a warm smile. He was so kind, he looked so gentle. He was always good and friendly, I knew I could trust him but why couldn't I bring myself to speak up? I guess my nerves and anxiety were getting the best of me, they were like an anchor that was preventing my ship to move further into the ocean. Maybe it was for the best, maybe it was what I really wanted to happen, I just haven't realized it yet.

     - Can I see Autumn? – I ask as I finish my cup of tea. I felt slightly calmer but I knew that I couldn't talk this out with Robert.

     - Of course. – he gives me a gentle smile as he picks up the porcelain cup and places it on the sink. – If you need anything, I will be here.

     I walk outside to see a sky filled with orange, yellow and pink and, even though these are all warm colors, my heart and body still felt cold as if they were just illusions in the first place. As I reach the fence that kept the horses at bay I notice that Autumn was already there, focusing his beautiful eyes on me as he approached my side.

     - You can feel it right? – my hands reach his head as I start petting him. – You look healthier Autumn, I'm so glad.

     Tears started running down my face again. It didn't matter how much I tried to freeze them it wouldn't be helpful in any way because even if I'm cold and distant, I'm not Winter. I cannot create snow or ice. I am not able to create beautiful white landscapes that were covered in the most glittering thing in this world. I wasn't like Spring either. I couldn't bring life or even create that happiness and calmness that the warm breeze and colorful flowers provide. Summer was never an option since I hadn't dried my heart to the point of no return. I wasn't able to bring people the lust of coldness or even create the longer and healthier days that everyone is so fond of. That leaves Autumn. The only season that portraited my fears and worries. That's the season that tries her best to keep living in the past, the season where there is either extreme cold or extreme warmth, the season where the colors that bathe the streets are yellows, oranges, and browns. Autumn is the only season where something dies and can't come back.

     "Full of terrors" I whispered to myself as tears kept on falling from my face. I couldn't stop them, even if I tried. I was crying my heart out, something I hadn't done in a while. As I look into the beautiful brown eyes that Autumn had I just kept remembering William, how he would know what to do, how he would always be ready for anything. "Why can't I go back?" I struggled to understand the meaning of "going back" because I didn't know what I wanted to go back to in the first place.