Before Me, Him

Chapter 24

     Yesterday they ended up staying until dinner time and Jacob stayed by my side the whole time. I ended up resting most of the time though. My head was hurting too much. Right now I'm having lunch with Therese, John, and Emily. I already went to Robert's house today and nothing changed, Autumn wouldn't eat. Once I'm done I am going to meet Luke, to talk about things. Weirdly enough I'm nervous but I guess that is normal since it would be more comfortable for me to run away from the situation, however, if I do that, I will only be causing more pain while delaying the inevitable.

     It was around two pm when Emily leaves to go meet with the rest of the group. I stay in the house for a while. I walk upstairs and sit on the chair close to my desk. I open up my wallet and see a picture of William, smiling happily. His warm light brown eyes and defined chin alongside his long black wavy hair felt too close, yet so distant. I guess that feeling was created because I know that I can never see this person again, smiling like this, smiling to me.

     My phone rings and I answer it.

     - Hello, are you ready June? – says Luke with a calm voice. – I'm at the door.

     - Yes, I'm going down. – I pick up my bag and end up leaving.

     Luke wanted to talk but for some reason, he decided that at a cafe would be better. Like that the conversation would be easier and calmer. After a twenty-minute walk, we reach "Star Latte", a welcoming cafe right in front of the beach. We sit down and Luke decided to almost eat the whole menu: a big hot dog with everything included plus a ham sandwich and a buttered toast alongside a coke, a glass of water, and a chocolate mousse. Whenever Luke was nervous about something he would turn to food. "I'm betting he already had lunch and this is just for him to cool down his nerves" I thought. 

     Due to this situation, he had to go to the gym a lot otherwise he would gain too much weight, at least that's what he had told me once. Even if his voice and expression were calm I can understand how stressed he is with all of this. I guess he does like me a lot. In the end, I just ask for some linden tea and a small cake from the exhibitor.

     As we waited for the food the silence was almost the same as a deadly one. I didn't want to start the conversation and neither did he. It's understandable I mean, where should he start to prevent a bad reaction from me? That must be what he is thinking.

     - So June... - he says. – About that day... It really wasn't what you think it was.

     - You've told me that already. – I lean my back on the straw chair. – What happened?

     - You see, I went to this college party. It was the first one I ever attended. – I could feel the nerves coming out of his body with the bouncing on his leg. – I drank a couple of beers but I thought I was alright. The next thing I remember is waking up in the morning on my living room couch fully naked.

     The waitress arrives and serves us our food. When she turned around Luke ate the ham sandwich almost in one bite and then, feeling calmer, he continued.

     - I thought everything was fine, that I just had gotten too drunk but nothing special had happened. I had some university friends helping me during that night so I truly thought it was alright but, as I enter the auditorium a ginger-haired girl runs to me and hugs me. I push her away of course but as I did she started to talk about that night.

     Luke stops talking and his legs start bouncing again. I sigh. Truly, I don't know where he is going or trying to go with this story. Did he sleep with her and fell for her? If that was the case he wouldn't be here talking with me. Maybe he slept with her and tried to back it off but ended up giving in due to lust? I know we never did it but still.

     - Eat Luke, it's alright. – my hands push the hot dog towards him as he starts eating it. – Take your time.

     Once he finished eating his hot dog alongside his coke he continues to explain the situation.

     - Her name is Quinn and she's from my class but I never noticed her. She started saying what had happened: we slept together. – he takes his hands into his hair and squeezes them. – At first, I didn't believe it but then she showed photos of both of us naked on the couch. I didn't know how to react so I just asked her to delete the pictures and explained to her that it had been just a mistake. She then told me that I was wrong, it had been more than that and once I tried to back away from the situation she threatened to show you the photos.

     I push the toast towards him and he eats it. He was extremely nervous right now, if we're going to get anywhere he needs to calm down. In the meantime, I start eating the cake alongside my tea.

     Somehow the situation was becoming clearer. I really did thought it was weird that he had done what he did because, in the end, he chased me for such a long time, over a year, and then ended up cheating on me with a girl that he met some months ago. It didn't make sense to me, until now.

     - I didn't know what to do, I was afraid you would leave me. – he said while looking at me. – I didn't want you to leave so I ended up doing what she asked. I just wanted an opportunity to erase the pictures from her phone but she would never bring it and everything just got out of hand...

     - Once the pictures were erased what would you do Luke? – I say as I place my elbows on the table and focus my eyes on him. – How would you know if there wouldn't be more of those photos?

     He started eating his chocolate mousse and his legs started to bounce.

     - Telling the truth was the right choice here but instead you were manipulated by her. – I sigh. – We could have talked things through once the party accident happened. All of this could have been avoided you know?

     Luke nods with his head while finished his glass of water.

     - You are always so distant J so I got even more scared. I thought that if I told you I would definitely lose you but at the same time, I was even more worried that you wouldn't react to it if you found out.

     - What? – I question in shock at what Luke had just said.

     - It's just how it felt for me. – he focuses his eyes on me. – I felt like you never really liked me because you never showed it to me. When other girls were around me you were never jealous. You never told me you loved me or even showed any type of lust for me so I got scared. 

     I was in shock. I thought I did give him the love he needed, the love he so desired within the limits created by me. I thought we were alright even before this situation but why do I have the feeling that I was the one who made this happen? Like I was the one who pushed him away and prevented him from talking to me out of fear?

     - Do you think we... You know... - he says while placing his hand on top of mine.

     - I don't know Luke. Right now I'm better alone. – I remove my hand, making his warm touch disappear. – Also, I don't feel the same for you anymore.

     - Alright, I understand. – Luke shows me a painful but bright smile. – I won't give up on you though! I got your heart once I'm sure I can get it twice, so just wait for me!