Before Me, Him

Chapter 7

     I go to the kitchen and make two small blueberry jam sandwiches for me and Emily to eat on our way to the beach. As I waited for her I look at myself in the mirror. My hair was tied up with a small blue elastic and my dark circles were a little bit better, they weren't as dark anymore. I guess I did rest a little bit more than usual. I was wearing a blue oversized t-shirt and black denim jeans. In my black backpack, I had a sweatshirt, some snacks, my wallet, and a couple of other things, mostly girl necessity needs. I hear someone running down the stairs and, of course, it was Emily. Today she was wearing a white crop top and a light pink mini skirt. We're so different now. It's almost as if she was the complete opposite of me.

     Emily grabs my hand as we leave the house and walk towards the beach. As we arrive we place our towels on the floor and, of course, Emily removes her clothing to reveal a beautiful green trikini.

     - I'm going ahead! – she smiles as she enters the ocean.

     - June? – I hear a voice right behind me. I look back and see Jacob, Dean, and Phillip staring at me. – What are you doing here? Did you come here with Emily?

     They were all tall, back in the bar I didn't see Dean and Phillip's height but now that I see them standing I can see that they are all very tall and very handsome. Even their bodies look like models from a health magazine. Jacob was wearing some red beach shorts and several necklaces around his neck, they were all black so, in a way, they matched and blended with his hair. Philip was wearing some light yellow beach shorts with a dark yellow pattern. Dean was wearing some green beach shorts with a white flower pattern and, as I looked around I could see everyone staring, especially girls gossiping, most likely about how handsome they were. I guess people like this really exist in the real world, oddly enough.

     - She wanted to go to the beach so we came. She's in the sea right now though. – I say while I focus my eyes on the ocean once again.

     - Really? Can we join you guys? – says Dean with an excited voice. – We'll bring our towels!

     Dean didn't even give me a chance to reply as he had already rushed away with Phillip to gather the trio towels. Once again I was alone with Jacob and a small anxiety started to be born within me. The doubts that I had yesterday started to come afloat so I closed my mind by focusing on the infinite ocean in front of me.

     - Are you not going to the water? – Jacob asks.

     I look at him and his expression towards me suddenly changes. Without me knowing or even allowing it a tear had escaped my heart as I had lost my focus within the ocean waves. Jacob was looking at me, worried but, as he was going to say something Philip and Dean come back. I quietly and quickly, wipe the tear away as they place their towels on the sand. A red towel was placed next to mine and a dark blue one along with a black and white striped one was placed next to Emily's towel.

     - Well we're going to the sea! – says Dean – Are you coming, Jacob?

     - I'll meet you there in a bit!– Jacob states while sitting on the red towel by my side. As Dean and Phillip walk towards the sea he sighs and his expression turns troubled. – I'm sorry if I said something that I shouldn't.

     - You did nothing wrong. – I say while I lay down on the towel and close my eyes. – Just forget about it.

     Jacob says nothing and then I hear him laying down as well. I wonder what was going through his head. Did he think I was weird? Most likely he did, that's what they all think. Back in the city where I grew up no one knows no one but everyone thinks other people are weird, especially if you go out of the norm. 

     I never fitted in with anyone, I do talk friendly to people but I never trusted anyone back home. There people search for opportunities and you might be one in the future that is why they are your "friends". Not because they care, not because they want to but because they need to in order to get what they actually will need in their careers. That's why I am not friends with anyone besides Emily. She never wanted anything from me, had nothing to gain from my friendship but still, she fought for me and showed me her true self. I want to treasure her heart and her trust in me.

     Either way, there is no reason to be here contemplating my past. There is no need to be thinking about things that can't be changed, I guess I should enjoy the beach while I am here. I get up and start removing my clothing to reveal a black bathing suit. As I start walking towards the ocean, Jacob gets up and picks up my pace. When we were entering Emily, Dean and Phillip were leaving, twenty minutes had already passed since they joined in, they must be cold.

     Emily smiles and hugs Jacob tight giving him chicken skin due to the temperature shock. The four of them start chatting for a little bit on the wet sand before the sea and I keep walking towards it. As my feet reach the cold water of the sea I feel a shiver running up and down my spine and, the further I got from the beach, the higher the seawater would be. I dive and stay underwater for a couple of seconds. 

     Those seconds were enough to remind me of the past, of what had happened when I was young, and of my own impotence to save who I wanted to save the most. My heart aches, so much. I wish I wouldn't go back, I don't want to breathe anymore, it's tiresome. I just want to be here, alone, in this beautiful and pure ocean silence. I want to be carried by the waves to a place I don't know, I want to travel to a place where my memories won't reach. I just want to forget about it but sadly, even if you really, truly, deeply, want to remove your past you can't, just like you can't remove the pen ink from a paper. You can correct it, and pretend it isn't there, but it will never go away.

     I remove my head from underwater and catch my breath. I clean my eyes and I look back but they weren't there. Jacob wasn't there. I felt relieved. "They must have gone back to the sand" I thought. The ocean was my home. A place where I could feel at ease, a place where I could run to if I wanted that he wouldn't deny me. He would embrace me with its cold waves and take me somewhere pleasant. I lay on my back and start floating while I let the ocean waves play with my body, take him somewhere where no one could reach me. They would take me to a place where I would be alone, without memories, without a soul, without people.

     - Hi. – says Jacob as he emerges from the water and cleans his eyes.

     I get scared and lose my balance making my body sink the moment a wave hit me. I feel my body touching Jacob's body and he grabs me while I remove my head from the water.

     - You scared me. – I start coughing as I get further away from him. – I thought you went back to the towel.

     - Why would I? – Jacob says while smiling. – I didn't go to the ocean yet so I needed to go, at least once right?

     - I guess so. – I look down to the water and see my feet and my legs walking in the sand.

     - June. – Jacob calls my name and my heart aches the moment the sound reaches my ears – You said you liked the ocean because the ocean reflects everything right?

     I stare at him. I mean, I did say that but it wasn't supposed to be taken literally.

     - I don't think you are like the ocean though. – Jacob starts playing with his hands on the water. – The ocean doesn't reflect everything, the water is transparent so we can see right through it however you are not transparent, you don't show your true emotions and you hide them because they are better locked away and forgotten than faced. – his eyes lock into mine – You are like the sun. You create light for others and at the same time create both reflections and shadows to remind ourselves of who we are and who we were but, every time someone dares to look at you, they get blind and if someone gets too close they'll melt away. – Jacob starts walking towards me and, he stops when he reaches me. He places his hand on my shoulder and slowly starts going down my arm until he reaches my hand. - You create happiness around you but expect that it won't approach you.

     - You don't know me Jacob so stop pretending that you do. – I shove his hand away and start walking towards the sand.

     - June – I look back instinctively - When someone doesn't care if they get blinded or melted, what are you going to do?