Before Me, Him

Chapter 28

     "I can't" I would think to myself. I can't play, it's too soon it's too risky... I was torn apart without knowing what to do. I know I shouldn't be afraid but I can't help to feel guilty for his death, I don't want to sing without him here, I don't want to be without him here. I can't be but yet here I am, living, numb, like a doll, just accepting everything and running from everyone.

     Tears were dripping from my face as I sat in the piano's small bench. My hands reached for the piano cover and lifted it up but I couldn't touch the keys. I was trembling, my body was trembling, my hands were trembling. I was frightened to death. Tears kept rolling down my face while I kept quiet, without touching the piano.

I can't.

It's too early.

I can't.

You'll regret it.

     Out of a sudden one of my fingers, unconsciously touches a key and produces a wonderful but small sound. My hands stop shaking. My tears stop running. My heart stops aching. For a moment, I was at peace.

     I breathe in and breathe out. I feel the oxygen feeling my lungs and as I try to hold my tears I start playing. It was all going well until I started singing the song I had written to my brother. That's where everything changed. My fingers played the piano on their own since they already knew the song, they already knew the melody. For years and years, they had been kept locked from playing because that was something only for my brother to see and hear, I would only play by his side and now, here I am playing alone in a massive room. My eyes are closed, I can't see anything. I cannot try to open them otherwise I will start crying too much and won't be able to remove everything that is within me.

     For years and years, I locked myself, I locked my heart to everyone around me. Once I lost William in that dreadful night a part of me died, a part of my soul ran away and now is nowhere to be found. I've been carrying the guilt of that night for more than four years and I've been doing what I can to not cause trouble. I couldn't cry for years, I couldn't cry anymore.

     There is only so much a person can take and I had reached my limit. Once I saw Jacob everything went back to how it was, the pain that I had run away from came back to me all at once, reminding me of every single detail and every single memory. I couldn't be here anymore, I don't want to be here anymore. I just...

     My fingers kept playing and so did my voice, I don't know how loud I was. I didn't care. I was alone, for once, I was alone. I could scream if I wanted to, no one would hear me. And so I sang, I sang my heart out, I played until my fingers were satisfied and some weight was relieved from within me.

     As my fingers play the final notes I open my eyes and, in front of the piano was William looking at me with the same expression he had when he first heard me play and sing. Now I was imagining things, great. I bury my face in my hands and start crying while my elbows are pressed down on the piano keys creating a weird sound. I sobbed, I cried out loud and I kept crying.

     Without noticing I feel someone sitting next to me and as I lift up my head and open my eyes I feel it being pushed to someone's chest. It smelled of a pleasant man's cologne. I feel the person's arms surrounding me and, somehow, my tears kept flooding. The redshirt the person had started to be filled with tears and my hands grabbed it strongly.

     A few seconds after I feel a hand petting my head softly and that's where I lost it. I was yelling for him and my screams were loud, so loud. The person didn't say anything throughout that time, but I could feel his embrace, warm and comfortable. It was familiar.

     While my brain kept travelling into my past memories with my brother I felt my body get lighter and my head started to get filled with excruciating pain. After fifteen minutes of crying, the longest I had so far, I fall asleep in that person's embrace only to wake up some hours later in an unknown room.

     It was a beautiful room with a very simplistic style. The walls were all white and the floor was made of a mixture of dark and light wood. The furniture was all made of wood but it was painted over with a warm brown tone. I look to the big window that, most likely, led to a balcony outside, which was showing the orange like light from the sun. I looked around a bit more to see that there was a mirror in front of me and I was able to see my reflection once I sat down. The bed had pearl white sheets and a light brown blanket was at the end of it.

     Slowly, I sit down and look at the miserable state I'm in. My eyes were extremely red and puffy from all the tears I had shed. My clothes were filled with wrinkles from sleeping on the bed with them and, even after sleeping my head kept on hurting and buzzing me. I could only recall the annoying buzzing from the cars in the main city, one of the most unpleasant sounds I know.

     Somehow I find the strength to reach for my bag that was on top a chair close to the bed. I manage to get it and, as I do, I remove my phone while turning it on. The strong light coming from it makes my eyes almost close shut and a strong headache appear. Half-past seven marked the clock. It was late, so late. I get up and pick my bag, I need to find Emily and go home. I just want to go home.

     As I open the big light brown and polished wooden door I see Jacob holding a tray with a glass of water and some grilled chicken breasts alongside some cooked rice and some potato chips. I look at him as his expression is... strange. I couldn't speak because it was at that moment that I realized: Jacob was the one present, he was wearing a red shirt and was similar to William. I thought that, when I finished the song, I was imagining things but, the truth is that my eyes were so blurry from all the tears being formed that I couldn't really distinguish both of them.

     It was Jacob. It had to be. My heart starts pounding really fast while my nerves start wondering around on my skin. The oxygen felt heavy as it entered my lungs and my mouth was refusing to express my feelings.

     - Are you hungry? I made you something to eat. – Jacob asks while a warm smile appears on his face.

     My stomach growls and I nod with my head low. He enters the room and places the tray on top of a desk. Afterwards, he closes it and picks up the two chairs available in the room.

     I start eating and, after around twenty minutes I finish. The whole time Jacob just travelled his eyes between myself or a specific place where his mind would start to wander off away to someplace unknown to men. I look to him and as I was about to say something about leaving Jacob starts a conversation, almost as if reading my mind so clearly.

     - June... - his expression turns into a serious one. – Who is William?