Before Me, Him

Chapter 48

     The trip was long, so long that the threatening sky started to show its sorrow. It was raining softly on the windows of the train and in all the landscapes we were passing through. The weather was dark, the sky was grieving and the air was cold, the coldest it had been in the last months. Sitting on my side was a man with a black suit focused on his computer. He was doing some research on the most recent news as he waited to reach our destination: Vella.

     Right now everything is crystal clear. I can understand everything people told me before, I can understand how people acted towards me and their reasons, everything is completely explained and all I needed was a simple wake-up call. I've been fooling myself all this time, pretending that everything is alright and that I was actually getting better when the reality is the opposite. 

     I was never fine. 

     I was never healed.

     I was never here in the first place. 

     The moment my brother died, he took me with him.
     I was just delaying the inevitable for my mom. Or was it for myself?

     After four and a half hours of a long journey, I reach Vella's train station, the last stop for me and for the train track. I got out of the station to find rain pouring down even more than what it was on the way here. It almost felt like the gods knew what was bound to happen and were crying pre-emptively due to it. I didn't bring an umbrella or even a coat with a hood. I just had my sneakers, my denim jeans, my white shirt, and my black jacket on. That's all and, as I walked outside, I could feel my clothes getting wetter and wetter.

     - Hi, can I take you home? – a woman asked me while placing her umbrella on top of me. She was in her mid-forties and was wearing a kind smile on her lips alongside her warm hazelnut eyes. She reminded me of Robert in a way.

     - It's alright, my house is right over there. – I lied as I placed a fake smile on my face – But thank you.

     The kind woman nodded and smiled as she waved goodbye. I started walking in the rain, slowly, embracing all the coldness that this weather was providing me. At this point, I was so soaked with the water coming down from the skies that, if someone saw me, they would have assumed I had just come out of the shower. The rain, as time would pass, was getting worse and heavier.

     I light up my phone underneath a tree so it wouldn't get water on it. Twenty missed calls from my mom and several messages. "I'm sorry" I thought to myself as a couple of tears started to leave my eyes "I'm so sorry". I open Google Maps to try and find a way to get to the beach. I never came to this train station so I didn't know my way around it. I place the phone in my jeans back pocket as I walked towards my final destination. The walk was long, very long. The train station was on the edge of Vella while the beach was on the other end. According to Google, I would have around one hour and a half of walking time. So I did. I walked and walked as the sky grew darker and darker.

     When I reach the beach the light was completely gone. The sun had gone to take its rest after a long day of providing us with light. The area was completely empty, even all the cafe shops were closed. There were only a couple of restaurants open since it is about nine o'clock right now, even though, they barely have any customers outside. This weather scares people away so it's only natural.

     Before I started to step on the sand I sat down on a bench and looked into the dark ocean. I don't know how long I stayed there, looking at it. I remove my shoes and socks and place my wallet and phone inside it. I take off the jacket and place it on top of the bench after getting up while I push my shoes below it.

     I place one foot on the sand just to feel how wet and cold it was. A shiver ran down my spine. I kept on walking until my feet met with the ocean. Today the tide was rather strong almost as if it was welcoming me. The water was dark and cold, so cold. A couple of steps in and the water was on my knees. I stopped.

     "What are you doing?" I question myself as I lift my face up to be cleaned with the rain water.

What you should've done before.

     She replies. I couldn't see her anywhere, there was not enough light to see my reflection but I guess that is for the best. Even though, I could hear her clearly, almost as if she was standing right beside me, showing me the way.

     As the water was on my waist I dive in. My body was cold, I was shivering so much. I get my head out and clean my eyes but I saw nothing but darkness. "This won't do it. It doesn't feel right." I thought to myself as I leave the water. That's when I saw it, that's when I remembered.

     I start climbing the reef where William used to play as a kid. My body was moving on its own, I couldn't do anything else because I couldn't think. My mind was filled with nothing for a change.

It's rather peaceful here when you know what to do, don't you think?

     She questions me.

     All my drawers were open and that is what had created it all. My drawers are like colors, every person, every moment, every action, every memory, has their own identity and characteristics. The problem is that when you mix all the colors together you get black. When you open my drawers at the same time you get the purest emotion of all: pure hatred, sorrow, and regret. 

     I reach the top of the reef and start walking towards its end, where it would meet the sea. I felt numb, nothing mattered anymore, I wonder when it ever did.

     - Are you waiting for me? – I whispered to the stars that were covered by the clouds. – Please tell me you are.

     Tears started to roll down my face as I sat down. My sorrowful tears were being washed away by the heavy rain pouring down and I was feeling my body weaker and weaker. I assume it was due to the cold that I had been feeling for over two hours. That's not healthy at all.

     I lay down with my back towards the rocks on the floor and close my eyes. The sound of the waves hitting the reef was pleasant, maybe, in some thousand years, this will be a beach instead of a reef. My mind was wavering from thought to thought as they were all scattered, out of place.

     - William... - I say with a low tone of voice as I slowly got up. – I'll be with you soon.

     At this point, I'm not crying anymore. I don't feel anything anymore. I know nothing anymore.

     That's right. That's what I had come here to do in the first place. I am going to be with him, forever. That's what matters, he is waiting for me, that is where I belong. This fucking world is not my own, it's not a place I should be. I'm not wanted, I'm not desired, I'm not happy but... with William it's different. I know he will pet me and hug me once he sees me. He will say "Welcome back June" and embrace me so tight like he used to do. He will tell me all the bedtime story's I want, he will play with me as much as I want. He will love me and make me feel loved. He will be there for me, he will smile for me as he calls out my name. 

     "June," he says in a soft voice. 

     "June" he is saying in a louder voice.

     - June! –someone screams my name. I look down and see my body extremely close to the end of the reef. "Is someone here?" I questioned myself. I had no way of knowing, I was so centered in my depressive thoughts that I didn't listen to anything else around me.