Before Me, Him

Chapter 57

     My alarm clock goes off and I feel my eyes opening softly. I look around me and see the darkness that the night provides. I get up from the bed and dress in some trousers and a long-sleeved grey shirt. After tying my hair in a bun I pick my bag and head downstairs. This feeling was familiar and, even though I could feel the coldness of the moon, I would still embrace the warmness of this house and its people.

     As I open the front door my face is welcomed by a cold autumn breeze slightly waking my body more than what already was. My feet start walking on their own as gradually the sky starts to lighten and the stars fade in just to appear in some hours again. Yesterday I didn't have the opportunity to check on Robert's since I came straight home. When I was in Hollum there was not a single day where I didn't think about Autumn and his health. "I hope he is alright now. I hope he is eating well." When did I start worrying so much about an animal? I wonder when was the exact moment that my heart opened to that being.

     I reach Robert's house when the sun was already sparkling bright, announcing a new day to the world. I look to the farm and see Robert already feeding Gloria, the biggest cow there. When our eyes collide a bright smile is created on his lips and, slowly, he goes to the entrance in order to open the door.

     - Welcome back. – he says calmly. – How are you?

     - I'm alright. Thought you would like an extra hand? – I waited for a reply but instead, he just moves out the door with a smile and I understood that he wanted me to enter. – How have you been?

     - I've been doing alright, usually when you reach a certain age your days tend to be the same. – he chuckles. – Child, what happened?

     My body freezes in shock as Robert's gaze focuses on me. They were the same hazelnut understanding eyes, kind and gentle but, somehow, they were very serious and very perceptive of my own mind and heart. I sit down at a table and, as he pours down some mint tea I start to explain the whole situation: the death of my brother, my family situation, Rodrick's involvement, and last but not least, Jacob's share. Of course, I wasn't able to explain to a full extent what happened with my brother because, for me, that was the hardest story I could ever tell.

     - You're so young child yet you've been through so much. – Robert lets out a sigh as he reaches his hand to the middle of the table, placing it on top of mine while petting it softly. – You know June, my wife had a complicated life too. Her father died when she was four and when her mother remarried... Well... The man wasn't the most beautiful flower in the garden. After some years he started to hit her mother and had several lovers however, from time to time he would turn to my wife. She was only a child when all that happened but she grew stronger from all of that.

     As Robert would explain the story in further detail I would feel a tight pain in my chest. Someone like his wife went through a lot and she managed to be happy, to live the life that she wanted and how she dreamed even if the road had several bumps on the way. All this time, during all my life, I've been ignoring the signs and neglecting my heart. Living by what's "necessary", living by what's "acceptable", that's not living. It's existing, that's all there is to it.

     - You know June, everyone has different experiences in life, that's why we're all different people. You are a very smart and kind-hearted child, don't forget that. – he gives me a kind smile and somehow I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. Those were not the words I wanted to hear however, they were the ones I needed to hear.

     - Thank you, Robert. I feel a bit better now and I know I've got to work a lot but I will do my best. – without me noticing a smile appears on my lips and Robert lets out a soft chuckle.

     - Child, you did mention Jacob... Isn't he the handsome boy with black hair? – he questions me as some old memories start to approach his mind. I nod and he gives me a gentle smile. – You two seem to have an unusual relationship.

     - What do you mean? – I question without understanding what he meant by that as I felt my heart starting to race. Why was I so impatient?

     - Everything in its due time flower. – Robert says as he gets up from his chair. – It's too early for you to bloom.

     - How is Autumn? – I say as I follow him. I don't fully understand what he just told me but I have a feeling it is useless to try to understand it further than this.

     - Bad. He is a lot thinner, barely eating. – Robert lets out a sigh as he throws the seeds to the chickens. – If he keeps this up I will have to...

     He couldn't even end his sentence and I knew exactly what he meant. I leave Robert with the chicken feeding as I go to the pantry to gather some hay and Autumn's medication. I was determined, he is going to eat today. No matter what.

     - Alright Autumn, eat this. – I state after arriving at the fence surrounding the horses. He looked a lot thinner, in certain areas you could even see his bones starting to stand out. – Eat!

     Autumn just looked at me. He literally didn't move and it pissed me off. I climbed the fence and got inside. As I walked towards Autumn I could hear Robert screaming "June don't go there! It's dangerous". I should listen to him, I should probably go back but my body it's moving on its own. I can feel the blood pumping in my veins as the adrenaline passes through my veins. "Is this what William would feel?" I thought to myself.

     - Eat it. – I state as I stretch my arm to Autumn. He slowly backs away from me but I keep pressuring him, following right behind him. He was scared. I let out a sigh and try a softer approach. – Autumn, I want to help you but I can't do it without you.

     - June, get out, it's dangerous! They are not used to you! – Robert states from outside of the gate with a worried voice and expression on his face.

- Autumn, please. – softly I walk towards Autumn and when I'm close enough I place my hand on his horsehair, stroking it softly. – It's ok. I won't hurt you.

     Somehow he started eating it, right in front of my eyes as they filled with tears of relief. I look to Robert as he stood there, speechless, with the same eyes as mine. "Why wouldn't you eat?" I whispered to Autumn with a sob as he moves his body closer to mine and I start petting it again. "What are you trying to tell me? I don't understand." I said softly however Autumn just replied with a simple neigh.

     After some minutes I leave the encirclement where Autumn was and wake up Robert from his shock. His eyes were filled with tears as he hugged me very tightly. "Thank you" he said to me as I nodded in his shoulders as a response. We talked some more but some minutes after I end up leaving since I had to take care of my university inscription that afternoon.

     As I walked back I thought about everything that had just happened and it didn't make sense. Why would he eat this now and not before? Nothing changed. The brief sense of relief that I had felt was now turning into a mixture of anger and frustration. I had spent all that time doing my research for him just so he randomly, one day, decided to eat again? I can't understand. 

What is it that I'm not seeing?