Songs of The Soul (Huntbastian)

Hard Sometimes

Sebastian's POV

Do you ever just wake up and wish that you didn't have to? Like your whole body feels like it weighs a ton and the world seems almost blurry? It's a hard feeling to describe unless you've experienced it yourself, and I haven't had it in a long time that I almost forgot what it was like, but for some reason it's come back today just a little bit. A little bit is still enough to make me want to just lie in bed and forget the world that I don't have the mental energy to deal with right now though. 

I know it's the depression talking. The same depression I've tried to ignore by pushing it away till I think I can't see it anymore. It may be out of sight, but it is never truly out of my mind. I know the best option would be to go to therapy or something, but I feel like I'd need to have it worse in order for the therapy to be worth it, if that makes any sense. Maybe I think I don't deserve therapy since I'm not severely depressed or suicidal. It's not like I haven't thought about killing myself, but that was a few years back anyway. Recently I've been doing much better, if not great compared to how I used to be. In the end it's all just so confusing and makes me even more tired to think about it.

As I closed my eyes again, hoping that maybe if I went back to bed that I'd wake up feeling better, I felt Hunter's face and warm breath against my neck. I felt him pull me closer to his bare chest as his arms wrapped around my waist. We were so close and comfortable, yet here I am feeling so numb to everything. I hate that I feel this way, especially now when everything seems to be going great in my life. Well mostly everything........I never doubt the possibility that I may be forgetting something, but you know what I mean.

"Hey...." I felt Hunter say against my neck, but I hoped that if I stayed quiet he'd leave me alone. Again, I should know him better than that......but I can always give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Shouldn't you be up by now?" He asked and I thought for a moment, debating if I should answer him or not. I decided to just stay quiet, but like always he continued to talk.

"Are you feeling ok?" He asked and I decided to give him a shrug at least.

"Are you feeling sick?" He asked again, and I finally answered him.

"No.......not really I guess....."

A moment after I said that, I felt him turn me around to face him. Seeing his face brightened my mood a bit, but I couldn't help but still feel weird. Like usual, Hunter could tell something was up. Curse his people reading skills.

"You can talk to me.......remember?" He said as I felt him rub my side before kissing my forehead.

As he moved his hand to stroke my cheek, the two of us just staring at each other in silence, I thought about how exactly to talk to him about it. We made a promise to talk to each other about things, even if they may seem too difficult to talk about, but that's always easier said than done. Now that I'm faced with that situation we discussed so casually.....it seems weirdly intense. I decided to try my best anyways even if I wasn't sure where the possible conversation was going to head.

"Do......do you ever just wake up.......and it's almost impossible to get out of bed?" I asked.

"Yeah.....but I'm assuming you don't mean it for the same reason.......right?" He asked back and I hesitantly nodded.

"Like......you couldn't care less.......even when you have important......or fun things to do?" 

He stared at me for a while after I said that and I swear I could hear my own heartbeat in that moment.

"Seb.....I don't mean to assume things......but that sounds a lot like depression." 

As he said that, I couldn't help but turn my head more into my pillow. I know we can talk to each other about these things, like when I help Hunter through all his anxiety and panic attacks, but I just feel oddly ashamed for him to know this. As I looked more into my pillow, Hunter stayed quiet for a bit as I felt him run his hand through my hair.