I'm Not Fine At All

Chapter 30

Harry woke up on Friday morning with his head spinning, his nightmare that he had just had still swimming through his brain. It was the same one that he always had, with the shrieks of his dead parents and the thundering roar of that fatal green truck, but this was strange. He hadn't had one of those dreams for weeks. Ever since he had started going to therapy, the dreams started to come less often, and then they finally stopped. Harry felt like an anvil was lifted off of his chest once they went away. He was able to get a really good night's sleep now. But, to Harry's complete dismay, they had come back for no reason. He had no idea what could have triggered them. Nothing about his routine had changed. He still went to bed at the same time, he ate the same kinds of foods, and he took all of his meds right on schedule. There was no reason he should be getting the nightmares again.

"Li!" Harry called out into the darkness. He had no energy to get up or turn on his light. His heart was still pounding from the anxiety and the fear, his limbs ached from how tense he was, and his eyes were blurry with tears. Liam came into the room less than a minute later in only his bathrobe and slippers, his hair still wet from his shower, and he immediately raced to his younger brother's side. "Haz, Haz, can you look at me? Please? Come on, open your eyes, I'm here." He turned the bedside lamp on and crawled into the bed next to Harry, pulling the sobbing boy to his chest. "Shh, darling, it's alright. It's okay. Just focus on your breathing and try to calm down." Harry hiccuped a few times, accidentally getting some snot on the older boy's bare shoulder, but Liam didn't seem to mind at all. Calming Harry was the only thing on his mind.

Harry finally settled down enough for him to speak, though he still let out a few quiet snuffles every now and then. "Do you want to tell me what this was all about, Haz?" Liam asked, wiping a few tears from Harry's flushed cheeks. "I had another nightmare," He mumbled, letting out another sniffle. Liam frowned at the boy and scooted closer. "I thought those were gone." The younger boy shrugged. "I thought they were, too. But I just had one and it was even worse than I remember it being. Li, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to keep waking up four times a night, sweaty and scared with my heart pounding and my eyes already teary before I even fucking open them. I don't want it, Li. I want to be done with these stupid fucking dreams! I'm so fucking tired of it all!" Harry broke down into tears again, his whole body going limp as he flopped over, all of his weight falling onto Liam.

"I know, kiddo, I know. I hate seeing you like this, darling. If I could, I would suffer through them every night for the rest of my life so you don't have to, but I can't. Do you think going back to therapy might be good?" Harry sighed and shrugged at the boy. "I don't know. I hated having to go. She was so...posh. I didn't like that she made me feel like a slob." He put on a posh, high-pitched accent. "I think that the best way for you to get better is to clean up your surroundings. Living in clutter can make you suffer." He dropped the accent. "I'd like to make her suffer." Liam smiled and bumped the boy's shoulder, getting his attention. "I think that we should try again, with a different therapist. Granny and Gramps are still funding all of your medical bills and therapy, so we have enough money for it. It might help." Harry sighed but nodded, leaning his head on the older boy's shoulder.

Liam smiled at the younger boy and wrapped his arm around him, kissing the top of his head. "Good, darling. I'm happy that you're going to try. I'll call the place tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment for you with a new person." Harry nodded into Liam's chest and started to fall back to sleep, his breathing slowing down. "There you go, Haz," He heard Liam say before finally drifting off, his eyes fluttering closed. Liam ran a hand through his hair and then shifted the boy into a sleeping position. He pulled the boy's blanket up to his chin and turned the light off, leaving the room to go finish getting ready for work.

Once Liam got fully dressed in his uniform for work, he checked his watch and realized that he was running seriously late. That's what you get for trying to help your baby brother when he's having a mental breakdown. He quickly scribbled down a note for Harry, telling him he'd be working two shifts and would be home for lunch before he went back, and then he left the apartment to get to the coffee shop. On the way down the stairs, Liam sent a text to Luke telling him to check up on Harry later, knowing that he tended to get clingy when he was tired, and checked to make sure he had all of his keys. A bit of glitter showed from the bottom of his duffle bag and he shut it quickly, making sure no one saw what he had. It would be a complete embarrassment if anyone knew what he did as his third job.