I'm Not Fine At All

Chapter 19

Louis was woken up by the sound of someone banging on his door, followed by the creak of the ancient door opening. "Lou-Lou! Wake up! Daddy made special breakfast and then you're taking us to the mall!" Small feet pattered across the floor and Louis groaned when Phoebe jumped on top of him. The girl bounced up and down on the bed, sitting on his waist and hitting his chest with her tiny, chubby fists. "Okay, love, okay!" Louis said, talking through his laughter. He sat up and got out of bed, slipping on a t-shirt he found on the floor next to the bed. "Alright, see. I'm up. Now let me go wash my face and then I'll come down for breakfast."

The girl huffed and stomped her foot, but left the room so Louis could get ready. The teenager shuffled out of his old bedroom and walked across the hall to the bathroom. He splashed water on his face and then poured a little bit of facial cleanser into his palm, lathering it up before rubbing it into his skin. It was actually Lottie's face wash, but he needed to just start the day feeling refreshed and clean, since the previous two days had not had the best starts. Once he washed off the bubbles, he dried his face with a towel and then walked out of the room, making his way down to the kitchen.

"Morning, kiddo!" Mark called from where he was standing at the stove, bacon sizzling in a pan in front of him. Louis waved, yawning into his fist. "Morning, dad. Morning girls. How did you guys sleep?" A few mumbles came from Lottie and Fizzy, Daisy just shrugged, but Phoebe popped up out of her seat and came over to Louis, chattering on about some dream she had had. She grabbed his hand and pulled, well, dragged him to the table and pushed him into a seat at the end of the table. The girl sat herself to his right, her little feet kicking back and forth under her chair.

"Lou-Lou, when are you going to take us to the mall? Because I need to tell my friends when I can meet them and where." Lottie spoke up from her seat, seeming to have woken up a bit since Louis came in. Louis shrugged at the girl and said, "I don't know," through a mouthful of scrambled eggs. "Maybe we can head out around lunchtime. Then we can just get food from the food court or sum'n and shop around afterward. I need to call my friend Liam first, though, and see when I can get the rest of my stuff." Lottie nodded, trying to be the most mature of them all, but Louis could see a bit of her impatience showing in the way her fingers twitched in her lap and her feet tapped on the floor.

Mark came over a second later with the bacon and set it on a paper towel in the middle of the table. Everyone reached forward to grab a few pieces, knowing that Mark's bacon was the best, and the paper towel was empty, spare a few drops of grease, once they pulled their hands away. After breakfast finished up, Mark cleaned up the kitchen, with the help of the two older girls, and Louis went up to his room to call Liam. His finger hesitated over the familiar contact name, Li with three red hearts, but he finally pressed it and held the phone up to his ear, listening to it ring until Liam picked up.

"Hello?"

"Liam, mate. Hey. I, uh, I wanted to know when I could come to get my stuff. I don't really want Zee to drive all the way out here just to drop my stuff off. I can come pick it up and also drop off the key that you gave me. I guess I won't be needing it anymore."

"Umm, Haz and I are kind of busy right now. Do you think you could come get your shit next week?"

"Oh, well I don't know. I kind of need some of that stuff now."

"Well, look, Louis. I'm not exactly happy with you right now so you don't get to choose what time you get your shit. You either come and get it next week or you don't get it at all. That's the deal."

"Ugh, fine. I'll call you next week and we can figure out a time when I can come over."

"No. You can come over next Saturday between the hours of nine and twelve. That way I can be home when you're there and there is a pretty high possibility of Harry not being there. Bye."

"Wait-"

Liam hung up abruptly before Louis could finish his sentence and the boy pulled the phone away from his ear, looking at it in confusion. Liam had never hung up on him before, no matter how pissed he was at him. Louis knew that he was in some seriously deep shit after that phone call. He sighed and tossed his phone onto his bed, getting up to go through his limited selection of clothing. It was just the mall, so he didn't think he needed to wear anything too nice. Nobody he knew was going to be there, anyway. He just decided on a pair of black joggers that were just barely starting to smell and one of Zayn's old Stone Roses t-shirts. A lot of Louis's band t-shirts had once belonged to Zayn but the boy had graciously gifted them to Louis after he had begged for months.

Louis bit his lip, wondering what his relationship with Zayn would be like after everything. He knew Zayn was really fond of Harry, and sometimes he even wondered whether Zayn had a crush on the boy, but he was also Liam's best mate. Zayn always took his friends' sides, except if they were really wrong. Louis just didn't know whether that meant Zayn would take Louis's side or Liam's side since they were both his best mates. Louis had fucked up, and he understood why what he did was wrong, but he still thought it was unfair that Liam kicked him out before he could even explain himself proper. Harry hadn't even spoken yet. Maybe Zayn would take his side, once he learned the whole story.

Louis was interrupted from his troubling thoughts by the sound of someone's fist pounding at the door. Before he could ask who it was, the door was flung open and Lottie waltzed in, fully dressed with her purse slung over her arm. "Hey, Lotts. I was just finishing getting dressed." Lottie ignored him and just plopped down on the bed. Louis sighed, knowing that Lottie was always one for the dramatics. "Why are you here? Really?" She asked, her arms crossed. Louis furrowed his brows. "I told you, my friend kicked me out and I needed a place to live." Lottie rolled her eyes. "That's not what I meant. Why are you here?" She said, gesturing to the room.

Louis took a deep breath. He had known this was going to happen at some point, but he just hoped he would have had a little more time to get settled before Lottie asked him. "I, uh, I didn't know where else to go. I don't have anyone else. No other friends. I'd been wanting to come back here, but I just couldn't do it. I really am sorry, Lotts. After...after mum died, I felt like I needed to get away and make a new life that didn't have any reminders of what my old life was like. I missed you guys, I really did, but I'm a fucking coward and I was too scared to come here. I figured you guys would have moved on without me, which I guess you kind of did." Lottie shook her head and held Louis's hand.

"We didn't move on without you. We still needed you, Louis. But you weren't here, so we made it work. I wish you would have at least called, or sent one of us a text. Some kind of communication telling us you were okay. We sent you Christmas cards and you never replied. Dad sent you money when you graduated. Where were you?" Louis sighed. "I moved in with my boyfriend after I left. I guess you didn't know that, you just knew where I was living. I never cashed dad's check. I kept all of your cards in a box under my bed. I bought birthday cards for all of you, sealed and addressed, but I never sent them out. You have no fucking clue what I was going through. If you were in my situation you wouldn't have communicated with anyone either."

Lottie frowned and stood up, pacing back and forth across the floor. "No. You can't say that for this situation. We were all in the same place you were. You weren't the only one who lost a mother, Louis! Okay? We all missed mum, but we stayed together. You cut us off completely. Two years! Two fucking years with nothing from you. You know, playing the dead mum pity card may work on some people, but not on me. Stop being selfish and grow up." Louis was fuming. He stood up and stormed over to Lottie, grabbing her by the shoulders. "I was fucking abused! Okay? My boyfriend fucking abused me! That's why I never called! I was too busy dealing with a drunk boyfriend who yelled and threw things and hit me! Is that what you want to fucking hear, Lottie? I liked the idea of being able to see you guys again, but I liked the idea of you guys being safe from Kyle better."

Louis groaned and put his head in his hands. He told himself he wasn't going to cry again, but he broke that promise. "I'm sorry, Louis. I didn't know." Lottie sat down next to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. "I've never told anyone that," He whispered, his voice scratchy from his shouting. "Not even Liam. I just told him that Kyle drank. I never said anything about the hitting, or the throwing. Kyle scared me. I was terrified that he was going to hurt you guys, so I kind of formed my own little circle of safety. I only talked to Liam and Zayn. And then Kyle kicked me out when I cheated on him with my friend. At least I'm out of that hellhole," Louis said, sounding both bitter and relieved. Lottie nodded sympathetically, pulling him into a hug. Louis smiled and kissed Lottie's temple, melting into her hug. "I love you, brother bear." "I love you too, little sister."