I'm Not Fine At All

Chapter 31

Harry hopped out of his bed and walked over to Luke, reaching his hands out for a hug. Luke turned away from him and set the flowers on the edge of the bed and sat next to them, looking down at his lap. "Luke," The younger boy said, almost whispering, but Luke stayed completely silent. "Luke, please talk to me," Harry pleaded and got down on his knees, kneeling in front of the older boy. "What do you want me to say to you? Do you want me to ask you why you were saying Louis's name in your sleep? Do you want me to ask you to explain why you were begging Louis to fuck you? Huh?" Harry shook his head at the older boy, tears of shame and embarrassment welling up in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Luke. I promise it was just a dream. I only have eyes for you, baby. You're my one and only." Luke shook his head and looked right into the younger boy's glassy eyes. "That bulge in your shorts says the opposite. You may not think you're attracted to him, but there could be some subconscious feelings there, and I don't want to be with someone who isn't one hundred percent sure I'm it for them. I would ask if I'm not satisfying you enough in bed but it's your choice that we haven't had sex yet, so it can't be that. Am I not funny enough, or hot enough? Am I too young, too inexperienced? What's so wrong that you have to pick him over me?" Harry sighed and shook his head, tears streaming down his face. "I don't know, Luke. I don't know. I'm so happy with you, I promise. I'm just so confused."

Luke sighed and ran his hand over Harry's blotchy, tear-stained cheek. "I'm confused too, baby. I care about you so much and I just don't know what I'm doing wrong here." Harry sniffled and leaned into the touch. "I'm so sorry. My mind is so fucked up and I don't know what's going on half the time. Please let me make it up to you. I promise I will never even think about Louis ever again as long as you're here. Please." Luke smiled sadly and reached out, pulling the boy close until his head was resting on his thigh, much like a dog would do with its owner. "How are you going to make it up to me, baby?"

Harry hummed like he was deep in thought before looking up in surprise like he had just gotten an amazing idea. "I know exactly what I can do." Luke raised an eyebrow at the boy as if to say, "What is your idea?" Harry sat up and pulled himself onto Luke's lap, his bum resting right on top of Luke's crotch. He scooched forward until his nose touched Luke's, his eyes dropping as he felt a wave of shyness roll over him. Luke rubbed his back in soothing circles, knowing that was the best way to calm him down. Harry took a deep breath and then looked right into the older boy's eyes, his tongue tracing over his lips to wet them. "I'm ready." Luke's brow furrowed. "Ready for what?" He asked. Harry looked down and then looked back up. "I'm ready to go all the way," He whispered before leaning back, waiting for an answer.

Luke sputtered when he heard the words come out of Harry's mouth, nearly choking on his own spit. "You're serious?" He said in disbelief. Harry nodded, his eyes wide. "Do you not want me anymore?" He asked the boy fearfully, scared that Luke was so disgusted by him that he would never want to have sex with him. Luke shook his head and kissed all over the boy's face, making him giggle. "No, no, baby. I'm just surprised. I'm so happy that you're ready. I'm so excited to be your first. You mean everything to me and you letting me share this moment with me lets me know you feel the same. Do you...do you want to do it now or," He left the sentence open-ended. "Umm, we can do it later? I kind of want to have a snack and just kind of prepare myself." Luke nodded and helped the boy to his feet and then they both made their way to the kitchen. Harry sat at one end of the table and Luke sat at the other.

Harry took a pastry from the box in the middle of the table, those being one of the only things they had a consistent supply of at the apartment. It never really mattered if they ever ran out of toothpaste or toilet paper, but god forbid Liam woke up in the morning and there was no box of scones and croissants on top of the fridge. Luke just watched the younger boy eat, admiring the way he licked his fingers clean of icing after every few bites. "You look lovely, you know?" Harry blushed at Luke's compliment, looking down at his outfit. He was wearing a pair of Liam's old pajama pants that had been too small, which he had cut up into shorts because they were too long, and one of Zayn's t-shirts that he had left at the apartment when he stayed over last.