i know i love you | hueningkaixreader

fifty two.

I never liked the color black. With it came memories I'd rather forget. I attended my first funeral at the age of four, when I could barely wrap my head around the concept of death. After that, I would attend at least one funeral a year. Most of them were for people I barely knew or never even met.

But some of them were for people I truly cared about.

One of them was for my best friend Jack.

He and I met during a talent show in middle school. Just as I was getting ready to go on stage I saw a small boy, shorter than I was at the time, crying on a foldable chair. I asked him what his name was. "Jack," he said. And then I asked him why he was crying. He'd told me it was because his partner for the skit he was supposed to perform had bailed out on him.

Maybe it was the stage lights or just the heat of the moment, but I'd offered to fill in for his missing partner.

"There's an intermission after my performance... I think I can try to memorize the script a bit before you go up," I suggested.

Jack had looked at me with a confused yet grateful look. "Um... Are you sure?"

I nodded. "I'm sure!"

Then I went up in front of the fifty or so people in the audience, sang a song I wrote just for the talent show, and met Jack backstage again during intermission. His tears had dried, but he was still shaking.

"Hey, don't worry," I reassured him. "I've got good memory."

I didn't.

But Jack couldn't care less. He was just so glad that he didn't have to go up there alone.

And that's how we became friends. Eventually the best of friends. We'd spend every afternoon together, doing the most random things. We gave each other presents on our birthdays. My family would always invite him over for special dinners. His family would do the same. He was the brother I never had.

But there was something I didn't know about him.

And that something was the reason for the call my mom received one night in early June, just a few days before my middle school graduation.

I was in the living room watching TV when suddenly, my mom's phone rang. It was a call from Jack's mom, who had formed a friendship with mine. I accidentally eavesdropped on their conversation.

I shouldn't have.

Jack had leukemia.

And he passed away just a few hours before.

That night, I couldn't stop crying. I lost my one and only best friend. No one else could fill the void that was now left in my heart because the only person I really ever loved was now gone forever. I loved him like family. I really, really loved Jack.

I couldn't bring myself to go to his funeral because I didn't want to see him in a coffin. I wanted to preserve the thought of him being full of life. I didn't want my last memory of him to be his lifeless body in a box with specs of black and cries of agony in the background.

No matter how many times my mother begged me to go, I refused.

And now, lying on Kai's bed with his favorite pillow in my arms, I made the same decision.

Yeonjun had even asked me to write a eulogy for Kai, but I couldn't bring myself to string together some pretty words to mask my grief. I felt bad, since I know it's what Kai would've wanted.

But instead of reading his eulogy in front of his friends and family, I decided I would write him a letter instead.

My dearest Kai,

I'm struggling to find the right words to express how I'm feeling right now, so please bear with me. I hope that wherever you are right now, you will be able to read this.

I want to start off by saying I am so, so sorry. I know this isn't usually how letters begin, but you need to know how guilty I feel for pushing you away. It may have seemed to be the right thing to do then. But now, as I'm sitting here at your desk, using your pen, your paper, writing this letter for you...

I now know there is no bigger mistake I will ever make in my life.

I should've asked you to stay instead. So that I could at least spend just a few more minutes with you before I'd have to let you go forever. And even though I couldn't have possibly known what was going to happen to you, those few extra minutes would've been enough.

I am so sorry for denying my feelings for so long. To have kept you waiting even though I knew the answer in my heart. I was just so scared of what would happen next.

It doesn't make sense to me why I was so scared. With you, I never felt anything but comfort and warmth and reassurance. I now know that you would've told me the exact words I needed to hear to ease my apprehension.

That's what you were to me. My relief. My safety.

I hope you can forgive me for making so many mistakes. I wish I could take it all back so that maybe we could've had more time.

I miss you so much.

I am so lucky I found you in this city. Of all the other people I could've met, the universe granted me you, and for that, I am forever grateful. You came at the perfect time. You were there when I was grieving over the possible loss of someone I thought I loved. You provided me certainty when I thought there was none. You were caring, patient, kind. You understood my pain like no one else did. You held me as I cried instead of telling me to stop. You were my rock.

Falling in love with you was easy. I couldn't explain it, and I still can't now, but you just made sense. Was it the way you would laugh at the smallest things? Was it the way your spontaneity took us everywhere around this city? Was it the way you held me that night when I was scared to sleep alone? Was it the way you kissed me that first time, and every time after that? Was it the way just hearing your voice brought so much relief?

Was it the way you had so much love for me?

I don't know. I don't need to, though. Like you said that one evening when we were watching the stars in each other's arms: Falling in love is something that just happens. It requires no explanation. No justification.

There are no words to express how grateful and angry I am at the same time. Grateful because we shared something so special. Angry because our time together was too short. There are so many things I wish I could've said and done...

This is so unfair.

But I choose to live in your memory instead of holding onto my anger and grief. I choose to let go, but not move on. I don't think I will ever truly move on from you.

So this isn't a goodbye. This is simply a see you later.

I will meet you again, even if it's on the other side of life.

And I will always, always love you.

Y/N