Deviator

Lookout

2038
Alec

I am not actually on lookout duty today, but nevertheless, that's where I am. I just can't stand being inside those walls. Not with a Privi inside. I still can't believe they took her in. It's ridiculous.

I scout over the perimeter, but there is still quiet. It doesn't seem like the Anthroes have followed us back. Thank God for that. Since it's so quiet, I decide to sit down for a little while. The wood creaks underneath me as I sit. One of these days, it will give in and break down. I have no doubt. Afterall, it's simply something we built from wood we could find nearby. And the fence around the hostel isn't the best solution either. It's just those metal fences that are used on construction sites. We found as much as we could and brought them back here to surround the perimeter. Then build a couple of lookout posts along the fence. But its crappy work. It's a wire fence, so we aren't all that sheltered by it, but somehow, we've managed to survive. I think it's because we are so far away from The City. And the way the Privies are feeding the Anthroes with their sacrifices, the creatures don't go too far away from The City.

"Alec! Are you up there?"

My brother is shouting from the ground. He knows I'm pissed about the whole thing. It was a stupid move he did, and I can't seem to let it go.

"Bro, come on. You can't shut me out forever."

I can sure as hell try...

As I hear him starting to climb the latter to the platform I sigh. I really don't feel like talking right now.

"Jace, what do you want? I'm working!" I stand up and begin to scout the perimeter again. Hoping it will make him leave me alone.

"You are not on the worklist today. You have the day of."

"Well, I covered a shift for Mark."

"Not anymore."

"That's not your decision." I hate it when he acts like he's the boss of me. Which I know he is, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

"It is my decision, and I need you to stop sulking all the time. I get that you have a lot on your plate, but you can't keep being this angry constantly."

"Try me."

"It's not healthy, Alec. And it has been years..."

"Don't bring him up again, Jace. Or I'll fucking throw you over this fence! I mean it!"

Jace sighs but changes the subject.

"How's Sebastian doing?"

"Really? You wanna go there? You just have to pick at all the bad things in my life?"

"No... That's not what..."

"Fuck off Jace! I'm not in the mood to talk to you about... any of them! If you want to know about Sebastian, then ask his brother, or go ask Sebastian instead!"

"That was uncalled for, Alec. You know I care for Sebastian. You know he means a lot to me too. The reason I'm not asking him, is because I know he needs the peace and quiet. And that it drains him to put on a fake smile and pretend he's alright around me. You of all people should get that!" Jace takes a deep breath. "I can tell that we are not getting anywhere today. Maybe you'll be ready to talk tomorrow... And we will talk, Alec. I don't want these unfinished issues between us."

I just stand there. Looking at him. I know he is right, so I can't argue with him. But I don't want to tell him that he is right. I want to stay angry. Anger is so much better than all the other feelings that's tumbling around inside me daily. Anger, I can control. Anger, I can use. So, I don't answer. I just stare at him with gritted teeth. Finally, he gives up and heads back down again. A turmoil of emotions inside is almost breaking me down. I turn my back to my brother, and bite down on my own arm to control my emotions. When he is gone, I scream with my teeth buried deep into the flesh of my arm. It muffles the sound just enough, so no one hears.

****

I don't know if it's been hours or minutes, but suddenly I hear Lydia's voice behind me.

"Alec, are you alright? Jace told me you covered Marks shift, and Mark said that you ordered him to give it to you."

"Snitch..."

"Alec..." Lydia sits down beside me and instantly notices the bitemarks on my arm. She is the only one who knows about my bad habit. "You can't keep doing that. One day another hunter will see it and think you've been infected." She pulls out disinfections and gaze from her pocket. Of course, she came prepared. It's Lydia. No one knows me better.

"I know it's stupid, but it's the only thing that can calm my mind when..." I take a deep breath and continues. Afterall it's Lydia. She knows everything about me. More than my brother knows. "When the guilt hits me."

"Alec..." the softness in her voice almost brings tears to my eyes. She is the only one who knows how much I loathe myself. "it's not your fault. None of it is. It's not on you to save everybody."

"Not everybody. Just Magnus, Izzy, and Sebastian. And I failed them all."

"You didn't, Alec. Sebastian is still alive."

"Yes... after I lost him first." Tears begin to run down my cheeks. "And now he is broken. Because of me. What kind of life will he be able to get...? He never sleeps because of the nightmares. The terrible memories from what they did to him. He has chronical pains. The loss of his identity. And manhood. At least twice a day he cries to me, begging me to end his life." I wipe the tears away angrily with the back of my hand. "And thanks to me, he also lives with the knowledge that I love someone more than I love him. Someone that isn't even human anymore!"

"Oh Baby, I'm so sorry. When did he find out?"

I shrug. "I think he has always known..."

"I'm so sorry, Alec. But it's still not your fault. You can't change who you love." She hugs me tight and continues. "We don't decide who we love. That's what you said to me all those years ago, remember?"

I chuckle slightly, still with tears in my eyes.

"Yeah, I remember. That was when you confessed you love for me, and I responded by coming out to you. You were so embarrassed of yourself. And I assured you that I took it as the greatest compliment, and that it would never hurt our friendship, because we don't choose who we fall in love with, we only choose how we handle it."

"Exactly. And even though I will always love you, I found someone else to love too." She squeezes my hand. "And Sebastian will too someday. Or he will accept the fact that you will always be in love with someone you'll never get to be with. It doesn't mean you don't love him. Just because I love you, doesn't mean I love John any less. Right?"

"Right..." I kiss her on her forehead. "You always know what to say..."

"yeah... That's why you keep me around."

I grin as she stands up and start to climb down the latter.

"I'm sending Mark out to take over, so you can spend some time with Sebastian."

"But..."

"Don't argue with me Lightwood. You won't like the outcome."

"Yes mam." I salute her and she laughs at me.

"Good boy." She blows me a kiss and heads inside.

Spending time with Sebastian.... I love spending time with him... It just breaks my heart sometimes. During the day, he is almost his old smiling and happy self. But at night and in the early mornings he is in such a deep, dark and depressed state that I can almost feel his pain as my own.

What they put him through isn't human. And he has to live with the memory, pain and loss every day.

I hate those Privies! Seriously, who the fuck decides to castrate a man because he is gay!