Deviator

Humanity

2039
Alec

"What are we going to do...?" I mutter as the separation from Jace feels like a thousand knives digging into my soul. I thought I could do it. Take over for him, but I can't. I've never realized how much I depend on him to be in charge. The one making the decisions. I don't know how to do this. I'm no fucking leader...

"Alexander, take a deep breath." Magnus kneels by my side as I sit on the floor, burying my face in my hands. "Jace wouldn't have left you in charge if he didn't believe that you can do it."

"But I can't!" I suddenly yell and Magnus flinches slightly. "I'm nothing like him! I'm a hunter. That's all. I know how to take care of myself, but not an entire fucking society!"

"Alec..." Magnus tries to calm me down, but I can't. I'm hyperventilating and anxiety is creeping into my soul. Is this how Jace have felt every time I have ditched him for selfish reasons? If it is, then I am truly and deeply sorry.

"I'm not capable of this Magnus... I'm not strong enough. Not like Jace. I don't have the empathy he has."

"Of course, you do. You saved me, remember?"

"For selfish reasons...." I mumble. "I didn't want to live without you. I'm no hero."

"You are my hero." He lifts my chin up with his index finger, making me look into his eyes. "And I will help you. You are not alone in this. We are all here for you. For everyone."

Unfortunately, I don't think it will be enough. Me, Magnus and Simon are a bad substitute for Jace. I don't know how he could do everything he did without losing his mind. I have only been in charge for a short period of time, but I'm already having frequent breakdowns. Although, this is the biggest one so far.

We have divided Jace's responsibilities between us, but it is still overwhelming. Magnus is the one taking care of the sick people. Trying to gather supplies, helping with wounds and stuff, but he is out of his comfort zone. That is as clear as day. Nevertheless, he works hard and do the best he can. Simon has taken over the science stuff. He is working on a cure and cursing at it constantly, so I'm guessing it's not going as planned.

My job is to keep us safe. And I am trying to plan ahead. We can't stay in one place for long. The City is looking for us. We left the Hostel a while back. We had too to stay safe after Jace left. We know Meliorn has traded information about Magnus to keep him, Kaelie and the baby safe.

Now we are living like Nomads. We are going from abandoned building to abandoned building. Trying to survive. But it's not ideal. Not for the sick people nor the portable chemistry lab Simon is dragging with him.

I have to find something more permanent.  I just don't know how to do that... I can barely remember how Jace managed to do it back when we moved into the Hostel. But I guess that has something to do with the fact that I was still in mourning over Magnus, who I thought were dead.

"Please Alexander... Don't give up now. You have already done such a great job getting us away from the Hostel without any loss of life. And the City still hasn't found us." Magnus brushes a finger over my cheek and gives me a smile. "All thanks to you."

"But..."

"No buts, Alec. Stop doubting yourself and trust those instincts of yours. They have helped us get this far."

"But..." I begin, then Magnus glares at me and I take a deep breath. I need to stop making excuses. Instead, I try to put words on my fears so Magnus or Simon can help me figure out what to do next. Because Magnus is right. I'm not alone in this. We are a team and maybe I just need to debate our possibilities with someone instead of focusing on all the things that I'm afraid of going wrong.