It's the year 2038 and a deadly virus has consumed the world for more than 14 years.
In Denmark, an unknown politician took it upon himself to create a safe space from the infected. As long as you abide by the 8 Obligations, you are allowed to live...
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#triggerwarning
I don't know how people do it. How they keep living their lives like nothing has changed. My life is a wreck. This entire world is going down the drain and people still keep fighting to survive... Why? For what? There is no point. This is our world now. Chaos and death waiting around every corner. What's the point? Its not like life is ever going to be normal again, let alone good.
I take another swig of the bottle I have smuggled in on the last supply run.
The room still smells like him. I can sense him in every corner of this place. I miss him so much. He was the only thing I had left that made my life worth living. And once again I failed to save someone I love.
I stumble towards the bed and drop down on my back, spilling some of the alcohol on myself but I don't care. I can hear everybody downstairs working their asses of trying to get the greenroom to work. They all act like that single thing is going to be the one thing that saves us. Bullshit. So, what if they get to grow food? We survive another day. Hooray... will still end up getting killed sooner rather than later.
"Alec..." Lydia knocks gently on the door, but I don't want to see her.
"Please, let me in... let me be here for you..." I sit up and watch the door as she tries to open it. It won't budge. I've locked it and pushed the dresser in front of it. Just in because they would try picking the lock.
"Alec, you can't keep staying in here... it's been days..." I cover my ears. I don't want to hear her talking about it. "Alec please..."
"NO!" I shout and throw the bottle through the air. It shatters against the door, filling the room with liquor and broken glass. I stare at the pieces. Shattered glass...
I slide of the bed and reach out to pick up a piece of the broken glass. It would be so easy. So quick. So satisfying. No more heartbreak. No more pain. No more shame and guilt. My hand trembles as I place the edge of the glass against my wrist. I get it now... I understand what Sebastian was looking for.
Freedom...
"don't you dare!" Lydia sprints into the room and knocks the glass out of my hand. Simon and Jace are standing in the doorway with the broken-down door. I hadn't even heard them breaking it.
Tears streams down my face as Lydia keeps screaming at me. I can't make out the words, but she is pissed. Jace doesn't say anything. He looks shocked... and Simon... Simon just cries...
That's what breaks me completely. Simon... The guilt is gnawing inside me like a monster that will never let me live in peace. I can't keep my dark secret anymore... the words just blurt out.
"I'm sorry Simon! I couldn't save him. I promised I would look after him and I failed..." Jace take Simon's arm and holds him up as my words bring out back the worst moment in Simons life. Making him relive it, just like I do every day. "I didn't deserve him, Simon. I didn't. And Sebastian knew it. He knew how terrible a person I am... he loved me more than anything and I couldn't give him the love he deserved. Because I loved someone else in all the years, we were together... I couldn't love him with all my heart..."
Simon yanks himself out of Jace's grip and fall to his knees in front of me. He places his hands on each side of my face and forces me to look at him.
"He loved you. And you loved him. You made him feel safe in a world where no one is safe. And I don't blame you for loving someone else. He didn't either. I know that for a fact." He hugs me tight, and I let him. I have never let Simon hug me before. But right now, he is the only one that can ease my broken mind.
I don't know how long we sit like that, but it's quite a while. My body is aching, and my legs are numb. Simon lets go of me and stands up before offering me a helping hand. And I take it.
"Don't ever blame yourself for loving someone you've lost. I still love Izzy more than I will ever love someone else. But that doesn't mean I'm not capable of love anymore. And it doesn't mean that for you either. You just have to let yourself go through all the feelings you have running around inside you. No matter how long it takes. Okay?"
I nod and wipe my eyes. I hate being vulnerable. Especially in front of Simon. But he might be the only one who truly understands what I'm going through.
But just like Rome wasn't built in a day, I'm not fixed in a single conversation. I get what he means, but I also need to go through the motions in my own way. And that means drinking, killing and screaming my lungs out. So that is what I'm going to do.
****
Days fly by unnoticeable. My body feels like an empty vessel which is on autopilot. I have no hope or dreams anymore. Life has no meaning. Even killing Anthroes doesn't really help any longer. Everything is just pointless. I try to keep my head in the game. Convince myself that things will get better, but it's just empty words.
The only reason I survived losing Magnus and Izzy was because I had Sebastian to distract me. To make me feel loved. Needed. And now... I'm worthless.
Jace, Simon and Lydia try to make me feel better, but honestly, I just want them to leave me alone. Their lives would be better without me anyways, they just don't know it yet.
Sitting in my room, I dig out my old weapon. Decades old. From the time where I developed an interest in archery. My father noticed my love for weapons, so he introduced me to handguns. He signed me up to go on the shooting range with him. Something we could have together. An attempt to bond with me. something that came natural to him with Jace. And we did. We did bond over it, and he gave me this beautiful piece of weapon.
Unfortunately, I liked archery way better. But my best friend... God, he was completely ecstatic about this gun. He loved cleaning it and taking it apart just so he could put it back together. It was almost more his gun than mine.
After I lost Magnus, I went back to my old house to retrieve it. To protect myself, but also because it reminded me of him. Somehow it made me feel closer to Magnus.
I look into the box where I store it. There's only one bullet left. I used the others before we realized bullets only slowed down the Anthroes. Not killed them.
Suddenly I realize how I can give myself peace. I reach into the box with the Desert Eagle and take the bullet in my hand. Using my pocketknife, I begin to carve a name into the side of the bullet.
Magnus.
I look at it for a while. Feeling pleased with it. Then I carve Sebastian into the other side. Now I get to keep them with me forever.
I take out the gun, load it with the bullet and put the gun inside my backpack. Then I fill it up with a lot of other weapons. When I can see the end is near for me, I will use the gun to make sure Magnus and Sebastian are a part of me forever.
As I sneak out of the Hostel, I can sense someone is watching me, but I don't care who it is or if they'll tell Jace I'm leaving. It won't change anything. I've made up my mind.
