Deviator

The last goodbye

2039
Alec

#triggerwarning

"Sebastian, I've got you something." I sit on the bed next to a half sleeping Sebastian. He does that a lot these days. Somehow sleep seems to be the only thing that works now. His nightmares have gone, which I guess is good, but the pain is growing stronger.

"Alec..." His voice is groggy, and his smile is small but genuine. "You are back..." He takes my hand and I kiss the top of his.

"Yes, I'm back. And I brought you a protein bar."

"Where did you get that from?"

"We found a lot of them. At an old fitness center. Jace is going to use them as a kind of reward at the new training facility."

"Alec, you can't steal food..."

"I didn't. I mean I won't, I will work for it when they set up the new room. I promise." I lie down next to him and stroke his hair. "And you need the protein. Please Sebastian. Eat it... for me?"

He nods almost invisible and try to sit up. I rapidly help him, but very gently. I'm afraid to break him. He weighs nothing now. He is skin and bones. If I wanted to, I could carry him as easy as a log of wood. I open the wrapper and hand the protein bar to him. He nips a small bite and chew. It isn't lost on me how much effort he puts in, just to eat something for my benefit.

He is giving up...

Tears begin to sting in my eyes, and I know I can't let him see me cry. I make up an excuse to why I have to leave for a second, then I run downstairs. On the way I run into Simon.

"Hey, are you alright?"

No... I'm not... but I can't tell Simon that.

"Yeah... I'm just... um, I'm just getting Sebastian some water." I sprint downstairs while I can hear Simon yelling that there is water upstairs.

An hour or two later, Simon finds me bundled up on the couch in Jace's office. Everybody knows that this is my escape when I'm feeling down.

I rapidly pull down my sleeve to hide the bitemarks on my arm, but the look on Simon's face tells me he has seen them. But he doesn't say anything. He'll probably go tell Jace later that he thinks I've been bitten. Maybe it's time I let Jace know about my bad habit.

"Alec, we need to talk."

"About what?" here it comes. He thinks I'm infected.

"About Sebastian." He sits down next to me. This wasn't what I was expecting. "He can't keep living like this..." Simon wipes away a tear and I can't believe what I'm hearing. This can't be true! "He told me he want it to end. And I agreed to help him."

This can't be happening! We agreed to fight for his life! Why is Simon giving up? We have to stay strong for Sebastian!

"What the fuck are you doing?!" I jump up. Furious. "You can't be serious?! You can't really consider letting him end his life? Are you crazy?! I won't let you do this!"

"It's not you decision, Alec. He has been suffering for a decade. Things don't get better for him!" I can see the tears in his eyes, but I don't care. He is not doing this.

"Over my dead body, Simon!"

Pinching the brink of his nose with closed eyes, Simon managed to calm himself down.

"You think I want to do this? He is my brother. I love him, but I can't keep ignoring the fact that he is depressed, in agony and scared all the time. He is hurting, Alec. Constant pain in his body and soul. We are not helping him anymore. We are just prolonging his suffering."

"No..." I shake my head while fighting back the tears. "No. No. No..."

"You have to talk to him Alec. And really listen. Without the whole things-will-get-better- speech."

"I can't... I can't give up. I promised him I would never give up!"

"Alec," Simon puts his hands on my shoulders and look into my eyes. "it's time..."

Somehow, I know he is right. I don't want to admit it, but Sebastian isn't getting better, and he never will. I sigh and slowly nods my head. I have to talk to him.

As I approach the door to our room, a desire to run overwhelms me. How am I supposed to talk to Sebastian about this? For years I have cheered him on. Promising that it would get better. That his life is still is worth living.

I take a deep breath and then I enter. Sebastian is sitting on the bed. His face shows the obvious signs of his pain as he slowly moves his legs over the side of the bed and puts his feet on the ground. When he sees me, he smiles for a second. A genuine smile, but the smile is replaced so fast by the fake mask he has put on for over ten years. In that moment I realize how much Sebastian has been faking it for me. Underplaying the situation for my sake.

"I'm so sorry Sebastian. I... I'm so sorry."

"Alec... what are you talking about?"

"Simon talked to me. I'm sorry I haven't listened to you. Really listened to you." with great effort, and on unstable legs, Sebastian walks over to me and hugs me tight. "I think I didn't want to know... I can't lose you. You are all I have left." I tighten my arms around Sebastian.

"That's not true. You have your brother."

"That's not the same... I love you... I can't live without you."

"I love you too, but you need to let me go, Alec. I can't keep living like this. It's not a life. Please... if you really love me, then let me go..."

I don't answer. Only kiss the top of Sebastian's head. I know I've lost this discussion, but I can't stand to think of the consequences.

This is a nightmare. Everything is falling apart, and I can't do anything to stop it. When I spoke to Jace about Sebastian's wishes, he almost looked relieved. And that nearly broke me. have I been the only one who refused to see how bad it was? Was I the only reason Sebastian kept fighting despite his agony?

Our room is filled with burning candles and the people we love, and for the first time Sebastian looks like he is happy. It's all ending soon. I climb onto the bed and sit down next to Sebastian, grasping his hand. Simon is sitting on the edge of the bed on the other side. The two brothers are speaking in hushed voices. Trading memories of happier times. Tears runs down Simon cheeks as he speaks, but he doesn't seem to notice them.

As Jace walks over and hands Sebastian the pills, Simon kisses his brother on his forehead and gets up from the bed. Numbness sets in when I see Sebastian swallow the pills.

"Thank you..." Sebastian's gaze shifts between the people in our room and settles on me. "Hold me...? Please..."

"Of course," I scoot down in the bed and let Sebastian nuzzle against my body and rest his head on my chest.
With slow strokes, I caresses Sebastian's back as his breathing becomes shallower. I hate knowing that this will be the last time I'll feel his heartbeat. The last time I'll take in his scent. I try to ignore it as I keep stroking his back until his breathing stops completely.

Muffled cries fill the room, and even as the others say their last goodbye and leave, I stay. Holding Sebastian close.
I don't have to stay strong for him anymore. He is at peace now. So, I cry. More than I have ever done, while I cling to the lifeless body of the one, I couldn't save.