The lost son ~John Frusciante and Josh Klinghoffer

78. You can always have this back

"And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see
All that I am
All that I'll be, yeah
Uh huh, uh huh, oh

I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why
Why can't it be
Oh can't it be mine..."

That night I sang Pearl Jam's "Black" as I was feeling very emotional and sad.
"Sometimes we all feel black. Remember that you're not alone. Don't be ashamed to reach out for help." I said.
Since that night out with Clara I stopped abusing my medications. It really got to me when I overheard Clara's phone conversation.
"No, Maggie, he didn't cheat on you. I was there. She was just a fan. I know it looks like she kissed him but she didn't. Josh was drunk. Yeah, but it's the only time he drank. I know you feel humiliated. Oh yeah, I was gonna kill him when I heard him curse at you after that Radiohead cover. Maggie, I have to go, Anthony is waiting for. Trust me, Josh still loves you and he's very bitter that you broke up with him." I heard Clara talk to Mag on the phone.
I waited until Clara entered her room and started sobbing right there in the hallway. I promised myself that I wouldn't text Magdalene but I was about to break that promise.
"I miss you..." I typed on my phone but quickly deleted the text before I hit 'send'.
What the hell are you doing? She dumped you. She caused you hurt. She's the reason why you're so depressed. I thought to myself.

*

"Drying up in conversation
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces
You just sit there wishing you could still make love

They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you
You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high
Don't leave me dry

Oh, it's the best thing that you've ever had
The best thing that you've ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you've ever had
The best thing you have had is gone away..."

I covered Radiohead's "High and Dry" at the following show. I made sure that I didn't take any pills before the concert, I really wasn't myself when I was high on them. I could say that I did a good job, I liked how I sounded.
"To anyone of you who can relate to this song, I'm with ya." I said.
After the show we had an interview scheduled at a local TV station.

I sat on a very uncomfortable couch next to Anthony and smiled awkwardly every time Tony or Flea would crack a joke. I didn't wanna be there at all. All I wanted to do after that day's show was to take a couple of pills and go to sleep.
I hoped the host wouldn't ask me any questions but I realized they were coming from the moment he asked about my father:
"How's John?"
"John's doing great." Flea replied.
"And is Josh going to permanently replace John Frusciante as guitarist?" The host inquired.
"Josh, you should answer that." Chad told me and gave me the microphone.
"No, I'm not. John's welcome to come back as soon as he feels it's the right time." I said.
"Are there any hard feelings between you two?" The host asked.
"No. I have nothing but love for John. And I think it's a great honor to be asked by him to play this world tour." I replied.
"Yes, I imagine. But for you, as a young musician, these are some big shoes to fill." The host told me.
That statement made me mad. I hated how people undermined me and doubted my skills. I was playing with the Chili Peppers for 6 years at that point and I still had to prove to people that I knew how to fucking play the guitar. I furrowed my brows and clenched my fists.
"Actually, Josh wears shoes two sizes bigger than John." Anthony said, making the host laugh.
"He's the most talented kid I've ever met. John knows this and he's certain Josh's gonna make it bigger than him at some point." Flea said.
"Josh is simply not a replacement, he's just the fifth member of the band. He's a part of the family." Chad added.
"Thank you." I whispered to him.
"There have been rumors circulating on the internet saying that Josh is actually related to John. Is that true? I mean I don't see much of a resemblance between them and they have different last names..." The host said before I interrupted him.
"Can you please not talk about me like I wasn't here? It's no secret, me and John spoke about it publicly." I said in a serious tone.
"So can you tell our viewers what's your relationship with John Frusciante?" The host asked.
"He's my father, okay?" I stated.
The audience gasped and then started cheering. How on earth they've never heard about it?
"And what about your last name?" The host inquired.
"It's my mom's name. My maternal grandfather was Jewish. And, before you ask, I got my looks from him." I said.
"If I was John, I'd get a DNA test." The host said and the audience started laughing and clapping.
I was absolutely fucking speechless.
"That's it, let's get out of here." Anthony said.
We all stood up and grabbed our instruments. We were supposed to play 2 songs during that TV show but there was no way in hell we would do that.
"Fuck you." I told the host and left the studio.

*

"I felt so humiliated, dad." I told John after I finished explaining what happened on that TV show.
"I'm gonna sue that fucking show. I'm not gonna let anyone talk to my son like that." John yelled.
I called him right after we got back to the hotel.
"You know what? Let's fucking do this DNA test. I'm tired of hearing that I can't be your son because I look nothing like you. Maybe I'm not." I said.
I felt defeated. I was gonna do anything that would stop people from being nasty towards me.
"No! We're not gonna do what the public wants us to. And besides, I don't need any test to know you're mine. You have my eyes and my curly hair and, unfortunately, my short temper." John told me.
"I don't know. What if I'm really not your son?"
"I don't care. It doesn't change anything. I will always love you, Josh."
"So you have some doubts..."
"No! You just asked what if you aren't my son, I never said that. Oh, fuck it, why are we even talking about this, that's stupid and pointless."
"People must be onto something because..." I started to say but he interrupted me.
"No, just no. Josh, you listen to me. On my 19th birthday in 1989 your mother told me she was 8 weeks pregnant. You were born 7 months later. It all makes perfect sense. And your musical talent, it didn't come from nowhere. It runs in my family." John explained.
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
"Hey, Christine was here today."
"Oh. What did you talk about?"
"You. And Maggie. I'm sorry, I can't lie. She asked me not to tell you but I can't stand you two acting like children. The truth is you can't live without one another. I know you're acting all tough but please, talk to Maggie. She's young and she doesn't know any better."
"Dad, she broke up with me."
"Please, don't let it end like my relationship with your mother. If I wasn't a dumb teen who thought that he was larger than life, I'd have listened to her and gotten a regular job and you'd have a normal life..."
"What that has to do with me and Maggie?"
"I fucked up big time. I should've never let her go. If you really love Maggie, fight for her."
"What's the point? She clearly doesn't wanna be with me."
"Yes she does. Christine told me how Mag has your photos plastered all over the walls in her room and she watches your every show on YouTube."
"So what? She said she didn't love me anymore."
"Probably her stupid friends from school told her that you're gonna sleep with groupies and that she should break up with you. She's just 17, Josh. How naive were you when you were her age? You're her first boyfriend, she doesn't know what she's doing."
"I don't know what to do. I wanna be with her, I love her. But I don't wanna reach out to her, it's her fault."
"Well, someone has to make the first move. You've gotta swallow your pride."
"Thanks. You give the best advice, dad."
"Because I know you. I was exactly the same as you when I was younger. I feel as if I was talking to myself. If only I had someone like this who'd knock some sense into me when I was in my 20s."
"Will I ever learn?" I asked him and John chuckled.
"Josh, you're very wise. Just don't let emotions get the best of you." John told me.

*

The following night, when Anthony signalled that it was time for me to sing a song, I grabbed the microphone and said:
"I'm sorry, my love. This song's for you."

"I'll buy you a diamond ring, my friend
If it makes you feel all right
I'll get you anything my friend
If it makes you feel all right

'Cause I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love

I'll give you all I've got to give
If you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give
But what I've got I'll give to you

I don't care too much for money
For money can't buy me love..."

I had to play the Beatles' song if I was gonna win Maggie back.
When I got back to my hotel room, I took Valium and ordered a huge bouquet of red roses for Maggie.