The lost son ~John Frusciante and Josh Klinghoffer

83. Don't have to think it's all your fault all the time

"Do we have to do that?" John asked me.
His sweaty fingertips left wet spots on the white envelope he held in his hands. I looked him in the eyes and noticed a tear rolling down his cheek.
"John, I... Will you promise me that you'll always be there, even if I'm not your son?" I asked.
He nodded his head and hugged me.
"That fucking piece of paper doesn't change anything. I'd love to just throw it away. You'll always be in my heart. I love you, Josh." John told me and pressed his lips against my forehead.
"I've been waiting for this moment for the last 7 years. No. I've been waiting for this moment all my life. I've always wondered where my dad was and why he didn't want me. All I ever wanted was to have a dad." I said and started to sob.
"I know. I'm so sorry. I failed you. I broke your mom's heart." John told me.
"You didn't know."
"I should've listened to her and accepted the responsibility. She even got me a job at a bike repair shop but I never went there. All she wanted from me was to stop doing drugs. I wish I did so. We could've been a happy family..." John said and started to cry.
"No, we couldn't. You could never keep a regular job. And you and my mom weren't a good match. And, besides, if you haven't done so many drugs, you wouldn't be the same person you are now. You know, I believe that every single thing that happens to us was meant to happen. So don't feel bad when I say that I wanted to have a dad when I was growing up. It was supposed to be this way." I said, holding back tears.

"Let's get this over with." John said, looking down at his envelope.
I ripped my envelope and slowly opened the folded sheet of paper.

Probability of Paternity: 99.9998 %

Holy shit. Oh my gosh. Wow. I can't believe it.

"John Anthony Frusciante is not excluded as the biological father of Josh Adam Klinghoffer. Based on testing results obtained from analyses of the DNA loci listed, the probability of paternity is 99.9998 %." I read out loud, smiling widely.
John teared up and hugged me.
"I knew it. I always knew you were mine. There was so doubt in my mind. I instantly felt our connection when we talked for the first time." He told me.
I don't know why, but instead of being happy, both me and John were crying. I guess we were overwhelmed with emotions.
I heard Emily's voice coming from the other side of the door.
"Shit, they're crying." She said.
"Can we come in?" Maggie knocked on the door and asked.
"Yeah..." I answered.
They went in and froze as they saw us crying.
"Oh no... I can't believe it..." Mag said.
"Don't worry, Josh. You'll always be a part of the family..." Emily told me and hugged me.
"No, it's..." I said and handed her the letter.
"Hey, Maggie, but it says that John is Josh's biological dad!" Emily said and handed the letter to Maggie.
"You jerk!" She yelled and started laughing.
Maggie gave me a kiss on the cheek and hugged me.
"Hey, don't speak to my son like that, young lady!" John said.
He wiped away his tears and grinned at me.
"You should've been thankful for that dick you got from me." He said.
I bursted out laughing.
"Oh my God, are you serious right now?" I told him.
"John, what the fuck?" Emily scolded him.
"Oh yeah, I'm totally serious. How about that luscious hair or those beautiful eyes, huh?" John continued.
"And that big-ass forehead of yours, that five head? Oh yeah, thanks a lot." I said.
"You're an ungrateful child, Josh." John told me.
"And you're a terrible dad, you let me drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes." I said.
"Okay, that's fair." John agreed and laughed.
"Stop being dorks." Emily told us.

*

A couple of days before Lilly's return Johnny started crying and saying that he missed his mommy. I hated having to separate from him but I knew I had to do it. I loved my son and I'd love to spend every minute with him.
Maybe one day me and Maggie would have a child and... Fuck, no. What's wrong with me?

I stood on Lilly's doorstep, holding Johnny's hand, and I was on the verge of crying.
"Daddy, when will I see you again?" John asked me.
I looked deep into his brown eyes and sighed.
"I don't know when your mom will let me see you." I said honestly.
"I love you, daddy." He told me.
"I love you too, baby." I replied.
A smiling Lilly opened the door and hugged Johnny.
"My darling! Mommy missed you so much!" She said.
"I missed you too, mommy!" He replied and started crying.
"Why are you crying, honey?" She asked our son and gave me a dirty look.
"Because I'm so happy to see you." John answered.
"Did you enjoy your time with daddy?" Lilly asked him.
"Yes, mommy. It was awesome! Dad let me have sweets after dinner and fall asleep on the couch!" John said, grinning.
Oh, no. I was fucked. I wasn't supposed to let him do any of these things. Lilly furrowed her brows and turned to me.
"What's wrong with you?" She asked me.
"I promise it only happened a couple of times. We were watching cartoons together and he just fell asleep..." I explained.
"And sweets after dinner? I told you not to give him any candy at all after 3 PM!" Lilly yelled at me.
"Come on, stop making such a fuss. I'm sorry. I'll do better next time. I don't want our baby to watch us fight..." I said softly.
"Oh yeah? Then you'll be the one taking him to the dentist." She told me.
"Alright, I will. Listen, Lilly, you're an amazing mother to Johnny. I'm trying my best to be a good dad but sometimes I just can't say no." I answered.
"Try harder." She told me.
"I am. Seriously, do you have to make this more difficult than it already is? I have to say goodbye to my baby, it hurts my heart. Please." I said.
"Mommy, daddy, stop fighting!" Johnny told us and started crying.
"Are you proud of yourself? You made him cry!" Lilly told me.
"What? No, I'm not! I really didn't want this conversation to go that way. Johnny, baby, please, don't cry. It hurts daddy to see you cry. I love you so much." I said.
"It hurts daddy... Will you every stop thinking about yourself? Do you ever stop and think how it hurts your son? You always disappear from his life for months and you even forgot about his third birthday! I won't let you see him if you're not gonna change. I'm sick of your crap. I've given you enough chances. You're too irresponsible." Lilly lectured me.
"I'm sorry. I'll go now." I said, looking down at my beat up shoes.
"Don't go, daddy!" Johnny told me and wrapped his little arms around my knees.
"I have to, baby. You wanted to stay with you mom, remember?" I asked him.
"I wanna be with you and mommy!" Johnny yelled and started crying harder.
"I'm sorry, honey. I'm so sorry. I've gotta go. I'll see you soon, I promise." I said and kissed the top of his head.
"No, you won't." Lilly told me and slammed the door in my face.

I started crying. I felt helpless. Like there was nothing else I could do. I really wanted to run straight to my dad's house and just cry on his shoulder. But it wasn't fair. It's wasn't John's problem that me and my ex couldn't communicate.

I went back home and laid down on the couch. I started to imagine the day that Johnny would be old enough to have his own phone so that I wouldn't have to talk to Lilly at all. But would see want to see me? How could Lilly's attitude towards me change so much? She used to love me and now she hated me with all her might. And she told me that I won't see my son...
Meanwhile I got a text from Maggie:
"Hey, guess what 😃"
"I don't know, tell me 🧐" I texted her back.
"I'm graduating next Friday 🥰"
"Omg that's amazing ❤️ Congrats honey 🎉"
"I wanna leave this place"
"Me too..."
"Are you sure, J?"
"Yeah, I'm not gonna be able see Johnny anyway"
"Oh no 😭 What's wrong with her? You're an amazing dad!"
"Don't wanna talk about it. Where do you wanna go?"
"London 💂"
"When?"
"ASAP"
Alright. There was nothing holding me back anymore. I knew that my dad started rehearsing with the band again and that he was willing to do another tour. And I thought that the further I'd be from Lilly, the better.
I started doings some research on the Internet and I learnt that we could stay in the UK for up to 6 months with no visa. Great. I too needed a change of surroundings. I found a flight to London on the following Monday and booked 2 tickets. There was no going back.
I turned on a Velvet Revolver CD and put my phone away.

"Fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely, I can't breathe
Fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling"

I sang along with Scott Weiland.
Was it really all my fault? Deep in my heart I knew that I was doing my best. Maybe it was Lilly who should change her behavior. She knew how I was, yet she chose to destroy my life.

Maybe it wasn't all my fault...
I really wanted to start again. Just me and Maggie. I wanted to change my name and run away from all of the mess.
Was it wise to keep running away from problems? Probably now. But I was willing to give it another try. I had nothing left to lose.