The lost son ~John Frusciante and Josh Klinghoffer

28. We get existence back by hurting others

I heard someone's voice and felt something wet dropping onto my face. I slowly opened my eyes and saw my dad crying and screaming.

- Josh! Oh my God, you woke up! You were dead!

- Dead?

I managed to say with a raspy voice.

- Yes, you fucking died! You weren't breathing for a minute, your heart stopped! I was just calling an ambulance!

- What are you talking about? Calm down, I'm fine, I just fell asleep...

- Stop lying to me! I felt that something was wrong. Thank God I went to check on you. Why are you doing this shit again?

- I ain't doing anything!

- What the fuck is wrong with you? Should I call Lilly and tell her that you're using?

- Get out of here!

I screamed and got up.

- You fucking come to my house, shout at me and insult me!

I continued. As soon as I finished, John gave me a strong slap on the face.

- I don't want to see you anymore, unless you get it together.

He said and walked out of the house.
I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that my nose had been bleeding.

I was so angry. I wanted to do more cocaine but the words dad told me were still running through my brain: "Your heart stopped. You were dead."
This shit was going to kill me. I couldn't die. Not now. My kids need me.

I've completed broken down. I needed to call her. I typed Lilly's number and waited for her to pick up. At first she didn't. It made me cry very even harder. I took a razor and ran it across my wrist. The blood began to run down my fingers and fall on the floor. But I didn't feel anything. It didn't give me a release.

Finally, she picked up the phone.

"Josh? Why are you crying? What's going on?"

"Lilly, please, come, I need you, I'm gonna kill myself..."

"I'm gonna be there in 15 minutes, baby. Don't do anything stupid."

I was rocking myself while sitting on the floor, trying to calm down.

- Josh, oh my god, what happened? Is it because of me? I'm so sorry... You know that I love you baby...

She said, sitting next to me and hugging me close.

- Lilly, I did something really wrong. You need to help me.

I said in between my sobs.

- What happened to your hand? You're bleeding so badly. I'm gonna bandage it.

- It's not about the hand.

- Then what?

- I... I did coke. Two times. And I've just overdosed.

- You did what?

She whispered and began to shook her head. She teared up.

- I'm sorry... I didn't know how to deal with that situation. You hated me and I was broken...

- Josh... It... It is my fault. It's all my fault. I don't even know what to say. I didn't know that it would be so hard for you.

- But I could have dealt with it in another way. And I chose the worst one. Now it's killing me. John was here, he saved me. He said that my heart stopped working. Can you imagine that? And you know what I did? I told him to get the fuck out of here. I'm the worst son ever...