The lost son ~John Frusciante and Josh Klinghoffer

31. We've lost our daughter

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***

I was holding Lilly's hand while the doctor was doing an ultrasound.

- I'm really sorry but you've had a miscarriage, I can't see any baby in there. I'll make sure to send a psychologist over. How far along were you?

He said, taking his gloves off.

- 15 weeks.

She answered with a shaking voice. She had been crying all the time. So did I.

- It happens really often. Don't worry, you'll be able to have more kids in the future. I recommend absence for about a month.

The doctor added and left the room.

- Lilly, I'm so sorry...

- Just leave me alone.

- Honey, I want to be with you.

- Go away. You should be happy now, you didn't want the baby in the first place.

- How can you say something like this? I'm devastated just as you are. I feel guilty.

- Get the fuck out of here!

She screamed and punched me in the face.

I looked at her, shocked. I didn't say a word, just left.

*

I came straight to dad's house. He was taking care of Johnny while I was in the hospital.

- Dad, we've lost her... We've lost our daughter...

I cried into his shoulder.

- I'm so sorry... How's Lilly doing?

- He screamed and cursed at me and then punched me. Was it really my fault?

- Why do you even think so? You didn't kill anyone, just crashed your car. It's already being repaired.

- But I made her angry...

- So what? Don't blame yourself. You need to be strong. You need to take care of John.

- I know, thanks for helping me. Where is Emily?

- She's asleep, the baby had been kicking the whole night.

- It's such an awesome feeling, isn't it?

- Yeah, it is. I've been experiencing it for the first time in my life. I so wish I could turn back time... So that I could touch Anne's belly, hold you close to me after you were born... Being with you at the first day of school...

- Don't make me even sadder...

 I said, wiping off his tears.

- We both fucked up. You've gotten it from me. We love to make our lives more and more complicated. 

- That's so true.

Johnny stopped playing with cars and it was time for him to have dinner so I took him home. I had no idea how long Lilly would be gone. I needed to take care of my son alone.

- Honey, what would you like to have: broccoli or carrots?

He pointed at carrots. I've cooked them and cut them into small pieces.

- Come here Johnny, your dinner is ready.

I said fixing his plate. He took a bit and looked at me.