My Diary

Monday, November 15, 2021

I'm so fucking tired. I almost fell asleep multiple times during class.

I bought me a monster. It doesn't give me energy but it tastes good

I won't die since I barely go outside to even be able to buy. Even if I were outside, I won't have time for a pitstop

My lunch for today is monster and funyuns :>

Oh! I'm going to buy a suit to go to the birthday party I was invited to. The problem is... Where I live it's really expensive. More expensive than in the US.

There are cheap ones but my mom refuses to but them because the suits are for men.

As if buying a suit for women is any different from buying a suit for a man.

I feel like she's not trying hard to look for the suit because she wants me to wear a dress.

There is nothing wrong with wearing a dress. I like dresses. The thing is I want to dance with my crush.

With a dress on it would be weird. The reason for this is because:

1. I don't know my crush's sexual orientation. I think she's straight but I'm not sure since I never asked 😃
Like, she sees me as a girl so if I ask her to dance with me she'll think I'm a lesbian. Well I'm not so-
She doesn't know I'm trans either so she'll think that. I'm planning to come out to my class before the birthday so it won't be such a shocker.
But if she were lesbian... That would be bad. I like her, I could even say I love her but I won't lie to her saying I'm a girl because I'm not. As much as I want to have a relationship with her I would never lie about such a thing.
If she is straight that would be good but if she isn't fond of the idea of someone she's seen as only a girl say they're a guy, I don't think she would even want to touch me. Hopefully that's not the case

2. I don't know how the birthday girl's parents would feel about it or even the birthday girl herself. They would probably find it weird and the girl would never talk to me again.

3. The guys in my class who got invited could make fun of her or me. It's fine if it's me but not her. I don't want her to go through that embarrassment.

It would be a dream come true if my crush danced with me. I swear, I would probably die from happiness.

I've gotten way to in love with her. It gotten to the point that if we make the slightest eye contact I would instantly get butterflies, my heart would sary beating so fast, my hands would get sweaty, and feel like I'm going to throw up.

I can't even think about without feeling my guts turning.

Anyway, I just finished my monster 😌