My Diary

Monday, September 27, 2021

  My mom actually sucks ass. I don't think I'll ever be able to come out to her.

  So, my mom was saying that I shouldn't even think about cutting my hair.
  Her reason was that when i had my hair cut over my shoulder i looked ridiculous and i never brushed it.

  Which is not true. I could never just go on with my day with out brushing my hair. Especially with long hair.

  I got a bit mad and said "what about them", referring to my brothers. Her answer was because they're "men".

  I mocked her and said men can have long hair too. She says "yeah, only clean men, you know your brothers don't shower. They alway have greasy hair"
  As if that partly her fault for letting that happen.

  Then I said that she shaved all her hair at some point and why can't I do the same.

  This bitch said that she was grown and could do whatever she wants with her body. That I can't do the same because I'm a minor.
 
  Basically, since I'm under 18 I'm not allowed to say anything on how my body is being used.

  She then starts to shame my body and how I take care of it. She days I look horrible because I don't shave.

  I didn't let that slide. I told her it's a natural thing to have hair on your body and she just laughs at me.
  I was pissed at this point.

  She says it's not natural for a woman like me to have body hair and I should shave it.

  Although I don't show it. These things that my mom says to me hurts.

  I can't believe my own my would just say those type of things and think it won't affect me.

Later on she asks my little brother to get water for "the beautiful girls in the house" a.k.a her and my little sister.

  My other brother said "yeah go get me so water." My little brother replied "but you're not a girl".

  My mom has the audacity to say "it's okay if he feels he's a girl. Everyone should be able to be comfortable with their gender"
  And I agree but what got me so pissed was the double standard she has with my brothers.

  So, I can't feel how I feel, be happy in my own body and gender but if my brother ended up identifying as a woman she would fully support him?

  This makes me feel horrible. What makes this worse is that I've been feeling gender dysphoria for years.

  This feeling grown and it's an absolute pain.

  I recently found out I'm trans and I couldn't tell anyone about it. I was alone for a long period of time.

  I came out to my brother around 2 weeks ago and they did not respect my wishes.

  I've been holding on to this "secret" for such a long time that I ended coming out to someone in my class.

  But it felt so good to finally get it out. A plus is that she had no problem with it and accepted me.

  I didn't exactly tell her I was trans but I did say I prefer he/they pronouns and my preferred name.

  What's great is that she actually respects that!

  I told her to just call me like that when we're alone and not in public because I'm still to scared to let anyone else know.

  I'm slowly trying to be comfortable with my body and identity.

  I'm wearing clothes that I'm comfortable with but doesn't really help hid that fact I still look like a girl.

   I really wish I could cut my hair. That would be amazing.

  I could try asking my dad if I ever visit that peice of shit.

  I mean why would he care? He hasn't really cared about me for years so I don't think he would mind taking me to the barber to cut my hair.

  Why the barber? Well, a lot of transmascs has said that it really isn't a good idea to cut your hair in a regular hair salon because they will end up giving you a pixie cut instead of what you ask for.
 
  I just need to wait a bit more and I'll end up fulfilling my dream! 😌