My Diary

Monday, January 31, 2022

  HOLY SHIT I CAME OUT TO MY FATHER 💀

  So, I had been planning to call him and today he had time to call. I told him if we can talk on Saturday but he said he was sick and was going to call me the next day.

  I waited for his call the whole day yesterday and nothing. I assumed he wasn't going to call me since it's not new that he says he'll call and never does.

  He calls be today and we talked about the expenses for the school supplies for when my siblings and I start school again and if I can live with him while I finish secondary school.
   He never gave me a yes or a no on the second one. He kinda dodged the question.

  After that I came out to him. I was hesitant because he is homophobic and transphobic. Since he pays child support I didn't want that to stop him from sending the money that we desperately need.
  I really hate being the one to arrange that but he refuses to talk to my mother which is understandable but still.

  I don't want to talk to him just for money. I feel horrible everytime I have to. That's besides the point.

  When I told him he was shocked. Well, I assume since he was silent for a while.

  What he told me was something I expected.

  The conversation went like this:

Me: Dad, there's one more thing I want to talk about.

Father: What is it?

Me: I've been questioning it for a long time and I feel like I figured it out. Since you're my dad I feel like you deserve to know. I'm trans.

Father: ...

Me: Do you know what that is?

Father: You're what?

Me: I'm trans. Do you know what that is?

Father: No...

Me: Want me to explain?

Father: Yeah

  From there I explain what it is. He answered in a similar way like my mother which isn't suprising to me at all.

  He said that I was confused and it's normal that I feel this way since I'm going through changes. That I'm young and recently discovering the world.

  He says I'm not fully developed. Which I get but come on.

  I told him I felt this way for a very long time and that's how I identify.

  He tells me that I'll always be his daughter and his little girl. He says he supports me and it's a phase that a lot of people go through and it's really common to find people like that.

   He says I need to stop worrying and focus on my studies. As if that was a distraction?

  I told him that I understand what he's saying but I identify this way and will continue to feel this way.

  So he can calm down, I told him I wasn't planning to "change my sex" as in doing the surgeries. That I'll take my time and wait until I grow older.

  I didn't tell him I was cutting my hair or changing my attire or anything. He'll find out sooner or later.

  It annoys me so much that when I came out to both my parents their first was saying stuff like "you'll always be my daughter", "you're my little girl", "I'll never call you anything besides *deadname*", "you're just confused", "it's a phase", "you're too young to understand that".

   Hopefully they become better allies in the future. Specifically my father since my mother is getting there. Barely but she is and that's all that matters.