It's like 3am right now but this has been on mind for a long while.
I never realized how high pitched my voice actually is. Like it's not like Wolfychu or IronMouse level but it looks like it's pretty close.
At work I've been getting so many comments about my voice from customers lately. The stuff they're saying are: "You're voice is so cute/sweet" "You're voice makes you sound so petite" "I love you're voice" "You sound so nice" and other comments like that.
To be honest, I'm pretty flattered but... I don't know how to explain it... Disappointed?
I really don't know how to explain what I'm feeling.
I've gotten pretty comfortable with my body lately so I don't feel too bad about being misgendered.
I'm pretty aware how feminine I look even if I try to look more masculine. On a good day I might be seen as a young boy but that all goes away when they hear my voice.
I guess I could say the biggest cause of my gender dysphoria is my voice. Like, I knew my voice was pretty high pitched but danm! I didn't know it's that bad.
I really want to go on testosterone so badly although I'm still debating in my head about it. Mostly because I feel like I could profit off my sex.
I know it's a REALLY bad thought. I'm basically treating myself like an object.
I really do feel like if I stay as I am right now I can live a lot better in comparison if I decide to transition.
Of course I absolutely do want to transition! That's something I've been thinking about for a long time. I just think maybe I should be able to get to the point I know I'll be okay and I can live independently so I can feel I have the freedom to be my true self.
Trust me. It's hard to be seen as something you know you're not. It has hurt me for so long. I just think I need to work on the other aspects of my life before I can treat myself.
Staying as a "girl" would benefit me at this very moment. Especially now with everything that's been going on in the US. I don't want to make things more difficult for myself because I know I won't handle it.
YOU ARE READING
My Diary
RandomLike it says in the title, it's a diary. But people can read it. I thought this would be a funny idea and make my future self question my stupid entries. Despite being a diary, I won't be updating daily. ⚠️This is mostly venting, so there will be...
