My Diary

Friday, July 16, 2021

Ever since I was young, I was taught to never talk back, to ignore if someone was bullying me and pretend that it's fine, and if someone poked fun of me than it's because they like me.

But when ever I do these things if just backfires. It makes me feel horrible and I have to sit there and take it.

I learned that telling the truth is going to get me in trouble so I'd always lie. Even for the smallest insignificant things.

I feel the need to explain myself the reason I'm doing something.

I always feel like everything is my fault.

I can't talk to anyone without feeling I'm bothering them.

I act so mature for my age and I hate it.

Everytime I'm in a conversation I stutter and forget what I was talking about. I hate it so much. I hate people who think stuttering is cute. It's not! It's horrible!

My mom gets mad at me because I explain myself to much and I'm always quiet when I have to defend myself.
As if she wasn't the one who taught me this.

What's worse is that most of the time I'm explaining, it doesn't even make sense. No one understands and it's frustrating sometimes.

I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to embarrass myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I make jokes about my issues all the time but at the end of the day.. It's not fixing these problems.

I hate myself for being sensitive. The fact that I'm crying isn't helping. Why do I have to be so weak?

I can't even handle someone raising their voice at me.

No one cares if I'm okay but soon as I burst into to tears want to know! They don't care! They just want to tell their friends how a random person started crying.

Literally no one cares! When someone asks how I feel and I'm brave enough to express myself, suddenly I'm overreacting.
"It's not a big deal", "You're such a drama queen", "Get over it", "Forget about it, stay positive", "It happens for a reason", "Just ignore those feelings", "There are people who have it worse", "Are you sure this isn't you wanting attention?", "You'll be fine", "Hah, same".

The people who are supposed to care for me don't give two fucks! It's sad how people I don't know in the internet care more about me than my fucking family!

The closest to therapy I've ever gotten was the school therapist who told me I was just overreacting and I'm just fine.

The therapist I had when I was 10 said I was fine although I wasn't. The time I was with her was so awkward.

She didn't speak to me at all. She just stared at me while I was playing with quicksand.

Apparently it was to see if I did anything weird with it or something. Like, what am I supposed to do with the quicksand? I just played to distract myself from the fact she was staring at me.

You're supposed to be comfortable around your therapist, right?

At least I got snacks, I guess.

Plus therapy is expansive and I know danm well my parents aren't going to pay for that.

Mostly because they don't want to admit whatever the fuck is wrong with me is probably because of them.

Like, they done some shit that fucking traumatized me!

An example of something my dad did that was traumatizing is that he always climbed into my window at night after my mom and dad got divorced.

An example of something my mom did was beat me every time I didn't understand something.
That's the reason why I'm afraid to say "I don't know" or "I don't understand" to someone in real life.

The list goes on!

I hold on to the good memories with them because I don't have that many.

I don't like the fact that I was their first child because I've been through so much.

Being the first child, I had to mature and grow up much faster mentally after my brother was born.

They expected so much from me. I barely could even enjoy my childhood. I wasted my time trying to get validation from adults.

To get some sort of validation from my parents.

I barely have any memories of my dad sense he was almost never around.

My memories of my mom is just her getting angry at me.

Growing up I feel like they don't love me anymore. That love is just fading away.

Their "I love you" doesn't feel right. When my dad says it, it feels like he doesn't mean it. When my mom says it is only when I achieve something or just made her happy.

I don't know.

I hesitate so much just to say I love you to them. Why?

What is love even supposed to mean? Because it's certainly what I think it is.

You know what's worse? The fact I'm aware of these things. I know these things are bad. I know I need help. But I can't fucking do anything about it.