My Diary

Sunday, March 5, 2023

Geez, I'm incredibly stressed out.

Again my mother bothering me to text my father to do his part of raising 3 kids.

I hate doing it. My father and I have 0 communication and when we do communicate it's about money and I fucking hate it!

I don't want to talk to my father about stupid financial stuff. I want to talk about my day and talk about complete nothings to my parent but I can't.

Everytime he speaks to me it seems like he's in a rush.

I love both my parents but sometimes I just hate them so much. I can never feel some sort of connection with them.

Since my father didn't send the money for the school supplies this year my mom is screaming at me for not reminding him again.

It's somehow my fault

To make matters worst is that my mom is screaming at my younger brothers.

For a long time I believed that they were not "normal" as in not like other kids of their age and now my mother is opening her eyes to see that.

I suspected my youngest brother to be neurodivergent for years but everytime I brought it up my mother would day I'm just overreacting and other kids his age are the same.

They are not

She doesn't want to accept that her child might be different and have other needs that other children don't need.

And with my other brother, I know he's been suffering with depression and I feel for him. He's getting a bit better now thanks to me because my mother, again, doesn't want to accept that her child needs help.

The consequence to that he's grown way to dependent on me just to do basic tasks like fetching him food and clothes.

I don't wanna do that because if I move away this year, he'll grow helpless again.

My mother is so mad that now she has to take both of my siblings to a psychologist for their issues.

Today she's been screaming at my youngest brother on how he's just pretending to be "insane", that he's doing the things he does for attention. Shaming him for things I know he can't control.

I do scream at my brother but sometimes it's really frustrating when he won't listen to me. I just want him to get help.

I have suspect he might have ADHD/ADD and the symptoms for this do correlate with him but the wait list for a psychologist is very long.

I try to help by asking if he'd like to have fidgety or something to keep him distracted instead of doing the things he does but he simply doesn't answer me when I ask.

My mother through her insults mentions my other brother once in a while

She says she's tired of having to deal with them both.

Funny how she wonders why her kids don't wanna open up to her.

I have my own problems but I don't tell her since I know she'll react the same way.

The only thing I've been open with her about was me being trans. That's it.

My other fears, insecurities, thoughts are never brought up to her.

I suffered with depression too back in late 2018 and through 2019 but was able to bounce back for a bit.

Then 2020 happened and I got kinda down in the dumps but not as bad as the tears before.

Now I'm better but I feel like I can get even greater than this

I'm just tired of my parents, especially my mother