My Diary

Saturday, November 27, 2021

  I don't know if anyone feels this or this is just me but I get so stressed out when people talk to me excessively.

  Around the beginning of November everyone is just talking to me a lot and including me in different activities.
  Which is great! I'm happy that I'm more accepted and noticed! It's just wierd.

  I'm used to having atleast 3 people who normally talks to me. I wasn't very liked which is kinda understandable.

   I don't know of it's because I'm not used to having attempted or what, but I just so stressed when a bunch a people start talking to me or someone keeps talking to me every second they get.

  For example, there is a girl, who I'm going to name Poppy, whom I became friends with after I came out as trans. She is one of Jessica's friends.

  A week or two ago Jessica and Poppy had argued and stopped talking for a while then made up.

Around the time when they didn't talk, Poppy reached out to me and made me talk about Jessica.

  I told her things that Jessica did to me in the past. She acted like she cared and wanted this as an excuse to spread rumors about Jessica.

  I didn't want to but she didn't care that much. Thankfully she never ended up spreading any rumors.

  She had this guy in my class, who I'm going to call Mat. Mat and Poppy made me talk about what Jessica did to me and told things that were personal to her.

  I was very unsure about all this that was happening. I'm was in the wrong. So were Mat and Poppy.

  I wanted to stop but they kept going.

  This all ended with the biologia teacher telling the school's staff that I was trans.

  I really didn't want this to go down in the way that it did.

  They made me talk to the school counselor. Long story short, she didn't help me at all.

  She says no one in the school will be able to respect my pronouns or my name because it would be disrespectful to my family... Huh?

  Anyway, I tried avoiding everyone which was a bad idea.

  Poppy ended up telling Jessica what we did and guess what. She put the blame all on ME.

  Listen, I know what I did was bad. Horrible. I might not like Jessica but I shouldn't have participated in whatever Poppy had planned. Plus, have trusted Poppy at all.

  I apologized, of course. I just wonder why I can't say no and why I trust people so easily.

  I have trust issues but still trust people?? What's worst is that I have a bad habit of over sharing.

  So, yeah. This all happened and people started talking to me more.

  Poppy now texts me all the time! I have no problem that she wants to talk but it's ALL THE TIME.

  She puts so much pressure. She wanted me to participate in a prank. I said sure.
  I asked to who.

  She said Mat...

  Mat and Poppy started dating out of nowhere and their relationship is... interesting to say the least.

  They fight a lot but make up out randomly.

  Since I'm Poppy's new trusted friend she includes me in everything!

  So, about the prank. She wanted me to text Mat and say that she was cheating on him.

  Why is that bad?

  Well, that same day Mat got mad at her for saying I love you to another guy.

  They made up but knowing Mat, he gets mad real easy.

  I didn't want to so what I did was I texted Mat and said that Poppy wanted to play a prank on him. I told him to answer my questions normally.

  I don't think he understood. He said he didn't want to do it cause she'll get mad. I think he thought I wanted to play a prank on her.

  So I told Poppy he said to leave him alone that he's ignoring me and all that shit.

  I thought she was going to let it go but no. She wanted me to spam him until he texts me back.

  I decided to tell my brother instead and he let me spam him. With a little editing I made it look like I was messing Mat.

  She wanted screenshots of the texts.

  I think she ask Mat why he wasn't texting me back and Mat told her about what I texted him.

  She got mad and said she was disappointed in me.

  I didn't want to reply to her because what was I going to say??

  I feel very selfish. I finally have people who want to talk to me. I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable though.

  It just gets me thinking about my choices.

   I should be so happy that people want to be with me. I shouldn't be so stressed out about it.

  Why do I feel this way then?

  I'm a huge piece of shit. I have what I want but throw it away then feel like I never get anything.

  I don't know how to fix that about myself.

  Therapy isn't going happen. My mom won't take me, the school counselor is useless as fuck, I can't share this with anyone else because who cares?

  I don't know what's wrong with me.

  The things that made me happy don't work anymore. They can't distract me of the problems that revolve around me.

  Nothing works anymore.

  I need to be fixed already. I can't keep going like this. I'm going to end up hurting people and ruining everything.

I ALREADY HURT PEOPLE BECAUSE OF MY ACTIONS! I don't know how to confront it with them. Most people I hurt are gone. I'll never see them again and the ones that are still here I still haven't said shit because I'm scared!

  This guilt I carry around... It won't go away. It just keeps following me and reminding me of every single thing I've done wrong in my life.

  This thing in my head who just keeps telling me stuff I don't want to hear.

  It's irritating me. I'm tired of this. I want my problems to go away. I want to run away from everyone. Just isolate myself from the rest of the world.

  I don't want to hurt anyone else. My stupid apologies won't fix the damage I've caused.

  Apologies don't mean anything.

  I won't just end it but I'll never end up achieving the goal I want.

  I don't think I will achieve it though.

  I'm such a waste of space