My Diary

Saturday, August 5, 2023

Oh gosh, this week was the worst!

I've had problems with staff and teachers in my school but not as much as now and it's fucking me up right now. I wish that I could just fix this but it's already too late since I'm known in a different way now. I'm not the quiet kid anymore and I wish I could go back to that. I didn't socialize but atleast I didn't have to go through the constant hate from almost everyone. Before they probably didn't like me but atleast I didn't know until now.

It's fucking affecting me so much that that's all I can think about. This week I just hit with the biggest F of my entire life. I've had an F last year but it's because I was suspected of cheating which I cleared my name but I still had the F in my record. Now I have an F but it's because I allegedly didn't write an investigation which is fucking bullshit!

I know I fucked up in certain things but an F??? Like I did do it on my own despite being a group project and turned in something that looked like it was made by one person but still, could've atleast gotten a D.

Not only did I get an F, I got humiliated infront of my whole class. If the F wasn't enough to make me cry the humiliation totally did the trick (I didn't cry in class but I almost did). My philosophy teacher spent 30 minutes talking about how the work I did was a disgrace and the teacher were me they'd "be embarrassed to turn it in". Imagine being told that by the teacher.

Why was I the target for the criticism that I didn't ask for? If my group and I did a bad job then why not talk with us privately? There were others whom did the investigation as bad as me so why choose mine? How is mine an example for everyone else if they had other topics of investigation?

She didn't even look at the other people that were in my group while she technically insulted my hard work. She just kept staring at me the whole time. I wanted to just die right then and there. The frustration and sadness just washed over me in that moment. I just felt so depressed the whole day. I tried laughing and making jokes with Jessica who was in my group about the grade so I don't burst in to tears.

I got judged by one of the staff in my school for doing that which I tried to not think much about it.

The funny thing is that specific person whom I'm going to call Ms. Peppermint is my philosophy teacher's relative. They both have been making my time at school a living hell!

My philosophy teacher is also the school counselor so you can imagine how many times I've been there (more than 10 times that's for sure). I don't go to speak with her voluntarily, I get sent there. All the times I've been there Ms. Peppermint is right beside her ready to judge everything I say.

It's humiliating and it's even worse knowing that Ms. Peppermint doesn't like my mother very much and kinda takes her frustration on me, the son.

This week has really done it for me and made me remember that I'm not as loved as I'd liked to thing. I've found out that most of the school thinks horrible stuff about me which has made me really insecure lately and I can't talk to anyone about it because people will just spread shit around like it's nothing. I can't tell my so called friends at school, my teachers, the staff, nor my mother. I told Doll but there's not much she can do and I don't wanna get her all depressed for shit she isn't involved with. She doesn't even go to my school for fuck's sake.

And I'm a fool for thinking that I could distract myself with my birthday. I was going to organize a birthday dinner with the only people that interact with me but it's really expensive and not worth it when there's only one I consider my friend in that list. So I decided to organize a dinner with Doll which I thought was a good idea since it's been months since we hung out but when I asked if she was free she said she's unfortunately booked throughout the whole month.

I was really bummed about it but it was a good reason. She's been practicing so hard during the weekends to audition to enter a really important academy for dance in Spain or Korea. Not only that but she was able to be the lead of her dance group for the audition and I'm so proud of her for that.

We can't hang out on weekdays because she goes to school right after I get out which sucks honestly.

Besides that I'm genuinely so happy she's able to fulfill her dreams and acheive her goals but that got me thinking a lot.

These thoughts have made me realize that I'm always going to be a nobody, someone's shadow. I have never been known as a single person. Like, I'm always named after somebody else. I'm like a dog and without its owner it's just lost.

I've was never able to acheive what I want and always let myself get stepped over by everyone. Doll is nothing like me. She was able to overcome her insecurities, has amazing friends, supportive family, strong personality. Yes she's vulnerable at times but yet she still kept going and look where she's at now. She did all that while I'm here everyday always feeling like I don't deserve to even exist.

How did I end up meeting such an amazing person? How can she consider me a friend when I can most likely be a burden?

Through the lack of communication we've had during the months she's accomplished so much and I was just being all so pitiful.

How did she even end up liking someone like me? She can do so much better that! I'm just human trash. Even if I accepted her confession I would never be a good enough boyfriend. I wouldn't have ever fulfilled her wants and needs. I would've just held her back from doing the things she's doing now.

I've never realized how actually useless I am. The only person I can blame is me. What am I even doing wrong? I don't want to be this way. I've tried so many ways to just be a better me but I'm just digging myself a deeper hole. It seems I'm making myself more unhappy than before.

I would have killed myself along time ago but I still had hope that things were going get better like everyone says. I tell myself maybe if I do something different this cycle can change but it doesn't seem to work.

Saying that I would kill myself is just fucking pathetic. I'm just too scared. I try to convince myself that it's because people would just pretend to care that I'm dead. No one would do that and that's just very weird to think. I'm just scared because of the fact no one would care. It's pointless. I'm just a spec of dust. It wouldn't affect anyone that I'm alive or not. No one would remember my name. If they do they would just disrespect me and I can't do nothing because I'm dead.

What if I fail my attempt? That would be so embarrassing! Everyone is gonna think I'm crazy and I would be supervised 24/7. It won't fix anything either. It would just prove that I'm useless and can't get anything right, not even suicide.

I want to end this pain because I know nothing is getting better but just too afraid because I'll be forgotten. That's the only thing that's stopping me. That's my only motivation to keep living. To be remembered. I don't know how I'm going to do it since there isn't anything significant I can do. Not even the worst like murder.

I don't think I deserve this pain and if I do I want to know what is the reason. If there is a god of any kind I wanna know why they're making me suffer like this. I'm not even an adult yet and I stress so much as if I have bills due. All I can do is complain about my pitiful life on the internet to strangers that don't know me because that's the only way I can just get out my frustrations.

I know what I'm going through is nothing compared to other people in the world who are starved, trafficked, killed, etc; but I still want to be heard. I don't think I'll get the reassurance I desire but it's comforting to know if I do die there is some part of me that I left behind.