My Diary

Sunday, December 18, 2022

I'm in a silly mood rn so lemme talk about my week.

Monday was normal, not much happened.

On Tuesday I went and I got my hair dyed for the first time in my life. My hair virginity is now gone 🤭

Bad news was it wasn't the color I wanted. I wanted purple and got magenta, left the salon disappointed but it wasn't that bad.

Wednesday was tiring. Literally doing errands for hours.

Thursday and Friday was normal.

Saturday was the day that shit went down ʕ￢ Ꮂ￢ ʔ

So my friend who I nicknamed "Doll" in my contacts (because she looks like a porcelain doll to me) asked me to go out at 2:30 to get some coffee at a coffee shop she loves to go to.

At this point it looks like she asks me to hang out every Saturday haha

Anyway I arrive and walked to the coffee shop and order what we wanted and talked about a lot of things.

Suddenly the topic of trans people came up.

I'm open about being trans. Of course, I don't tell everyone I come across that I'm trans because that's my business but when someone asks I don't hide it.
Most of the time when people ask it's just out of curiosity.

So, I was talking about my experience being trans and how frustrating is to explain lgbtq+ topics to my parents or any other "ignorant" adult.

While we were both talking and joking about it she said that she was straight.

I was surprised. Why was I surprised?

Well, I'll explain from where her and I met in September. Not that long ago.

There was a gathering of different schools to show of their artistic skills and whatever.

Since I was in choir my teacher decided that our choir group should go.

During that was going on it looks like I caught on of Doll's friends attention.
The friend told her I was cute boy (surprised someone thought that of me) and if Doll saw me.

Doll was kinda in her own world so she wasn't paying attention.

After some time goes by it was my choir group's turn to show off our "talent".

The friend pointed me out and that's when it all started.
It looks like Doll caught some interest in me and wanted to ask for my insta but was to shy to ask herself so she asked another friend of hers to ask.

The friend did do that.

Doll's friend who pointed me out in the beginning got mad (jokingly) cause she "stole me from her".

Some time later her friend told her to dm me because if she doesn't do it now she will never do it.
Doll told me that her friend didn't leave her alone until she sent me a message in front of him xD

Then we starte talking, after a month or less she asked me for my phone number and I gave it.

We continued talking and on October she confessed to me.

I honestly didn't know what to say since we technically just met so I rejected her in the most polite way possible to not hurt her feelings.

I told her that the confessing won't ruin our friendship and we can continue how things are now.

She agreed and we kept talking like normal.

We hung out on the weekends and went for icecream and coffee.

I got to know her a lot and met one of her friends.

Well, since I already updated on what kind of relationship we have I'll tell you why the fact she was straight surprised me.

After we hung out in person I thought her vision of me as a boy vanished when she heard my voice.

I'm very used to people thinking I'm a girl cause of my voice.

So when she confessed to me I assumed she was under the bi umbrella.

But knowing she is heterosexual and has feelings for me gives me so much gender euphoria. 

It makes me so happy that she sees me as a boy.

That really got me giggling and swinging my legs.

Anyway, we left the coffee shop and started walking around and I saw Jessica and her other two friends.

We were both confused to see eachother. We just waved at eachother and continued with what we were doing.

Doll and I were talking for 3 hours but then she had to leave because her parents told her she had to join them at the beach.

She hugged me goodbye and left.

I walked to McDonald's to buy a strawberry frappe and mostly to steal their free wifi to text my mother to pick me up.

While I was waiting to order Jessica and her friends appeared again.

Jessica walked up to me and ask what was going on between Doll and I.

I just told we were just hanging out and didn't expect to see her there.

She waited in line with me to order a McFlurry.

We got our stuff and told me to sit down with her and her friends.
I sat down then Jessica asked me of Doll and I were dating.

Literally the 5th time she asked that question since I met Doll.

I told her no. She says she asks because I could be hiding that from her.

I know the real reason is because she's jealous. She always senses jealousy when I hang out with people that isn't her.
Not to mention there was a time she had feelings for me 💀

After we were done she said that she was going to the bakery with her friends and of I wanted to go.

I told her no thanks.

My mom later picked me up and when we arrived home she dyed my hair to the color I wanted and now I got my purple hair 🥳

Now today I just got a text from Doll.
She told me and I quote: "I don't know how to say it, I think about it and I feel sorry. I already told you that I have feelings for you and although I promised not to get my hopes up, I suppose that little by little I do, even if we're friends that makes me happy, but it bothers me a bit not to express myself correctly with you so it's a bit liberating to tell you this. Even if I feel this way, I would not like to lose the friendship we have. I like speaking to you."

I haven't responded to her yet since I don't know what to sayyyy. Help me out 😖

I feel really bad I have been through the same thing! I know how horrible it feels when your crush doesn't like you back.

I especially feel bad that she fell for a person like me. I thought those feelings would go away after she met me but it seems like it didn't.

I don't wanna accept her feelings since I'm always been afraid about being in a relationship even though I would like to be in one.
Plus, it would be one sided and it wouldn't be fair for her.

AHSHDJSN HELLLLP