four words [the fangirl ii - a.i]

09

     Through gritting teeth because of so much cold I did footsteps. Making distance from him I said, "No. I can go home."

     Closing my eyes I did tracks as he faded behind me. Not knowing when will I see him again.

     I found mom at the couch. From that moment I knew I screwed up.

     I just wanted this thing to work out. Its not just the fangirl feels, I'm done with that. It was me speaking as a grown up- a lady, woman. It was real feelings, real fights, real tears and true love. I didn't want just a relationship. I wanted commitment.

     True love. I was thinking if there's such thing, or time span for it. Days, weeks, months, years? I mean... nothing lasts forever. Especially when the whole world is against it and your parents that earlier I had a fight with.

     I didn't know what to do. Everytime I thought about him and think that we didn't have anything at all makes my head rolls. I was holding onto nothing, he wasn't mine and I wasn't his. We were... I didn't know. Friends?

     "Sarah, you okay?" Samantha's text pop up on my phone. I still have her and Ace. I was so focused on Ashton that I forgot about them, that I could still be happy even without him.

      "Yeah, why?" I respond. After a minute or more without her respond I said, "I was lying. Mom, dad and I fought."

     Sent.

     I remember what happened earlier. We were happy. We parted with a blur between our state of life. About what we were. Was it just you and me or us? I told him I thought we were in a relationship, again. He looked so happy but I was so unsure. I wanted to hear it from him.

     "Why?? What happened?!" Samantha respond, as always, her favorite emoji when she gets sad the " 😔 " was attached.

     "I went out with Ashton." I simply respond. Not less than a minute she called me.

     "Without even telling, right? They won't get mad if you just told them so." She said. Irritated, obviously scolding me.

     "Believe me, they won't let me." I said exasperated. I didn't want an argument. I was so tired of everything; tired of being the responsible child, proving to people that I am something and I could be with Ashton Irwin, tired of chasing things that I wasn't sure of.

     I need a break.

     "Are you listening?" her pitched voice cut me from the world I was dwelling in.

     "You know what I want to rest." I said and hung up.