four words [the fangirl ii - a.i]

04

        I was at my desktop, still searching about the freaking "four words" he was saying. I spent all my life figuring out what it meant. I even checked Tumblr where good things being posted and everything. It was nothing, but one day I tried to search it on Wattpad, it has a result about "three words and eight letters" story, it was a Filipino story and already published so no one could read it because it was unpublished already on the site, nothing about "four words".

        I thought about words with four words but three words was all I could think about like: I hate you, I love you, you're cute today, I'll leave already, I want you, crazy for you, fall for you, I've missed you, I'm for you, you're the one, free your mind, smoke weeds everyday, you're spoiled brat, obey your thirst. Alright, this must be stopped, its gone crazy.

♫♪ I don't even like you why'd you want to go and make me feel this way... I don't underst- ♫♪

        Voodoo Doll was blasting through my computer speakers near sunset and a thought came in and like a flood, words ran hastily, I don't like you, it was possible but it can't be. He said he still wants me. I almost forgot what the other words he said because I was all focused on these four words.

        I don't know you, was it because I changed the way I looked? The way I dressed? The way I look at people and the way I speak? I became more formal talking to other people who aren't family related and friends but people change. But You Look Good Today was possible too, right?

        I will leave you, he already did and he'd do it again. Hope not.

        We could've been happen; we could've had if I've been fearless. These are four words but he asked me. His voice was asking. It was demanding for an answer.

        "For goodness' sake Ashton Fletcher Irwin! Please, just tell me." I shouted and fell my back at the chair I had on my study table where my computer sat too. My whole room was renovated, it was smaller, and the inner side of my room where my drums were now a room for family guests and my brother's band members. They sometimes having a sleep over if it's unsafe to go home. My parents won't let them leave anyways. They said since I wasn't using it anymore mom and dad let them use it and I could use my drums anytime I wanted because it was still mine. They made it big, like 5 Seconds of Summer, they started at Youtube covering Guns 'N Roses, Nirvana, Oasis songs and other songs, they even covered a Taylor Swift song called State Of Grace, they made it into rock. I really liked it since I'm a Swiftie even I like rock and alternative bands and artists. Why people just can't accept it? I mean I posted something on facebook, where I doodled Taylor Swift's name and Black Veil Brides' along with other alernative and rock bands. They said it was ridiculous. Why?

        Mom entered the room which made me startle. I've been more jumpy and sensitive these days; I was like having a trauma to something that doesn't exist. "Are you okay?" she asked.

        "I'm going crazy mom."

        "Why?" You'd go furious if I told you mom. I remember what you said when you knew my grades and thesis was in trouble because of what happened between Ashton and I: 'I don't want to see his face anymore in this house. Even your paintings and drawings,' you said but I defended them. They were the products of my talent and half of mine was in it because he was it. If mom only knew that I was the one who walked away, who completely cut off the connection. I was the only reason for my own fall out (boy). If we've talked, we might have saved the friendship and I still could be happy. Someone would still ask how my day was but no, I banned all the happiness I deserved.

        "Honey," she put some strands of my hair at the back of my ear, I smiled, that was the first skin contact Ashton and I had had, in front of the Walmart, going in, he told me to hide my face, "Are you okay? Why are you going crazy?" she then hugged me from her sides.

        "What four words means?" I asked, looking up at her I saw her brows was knitted too.

        "Four words?" she looked around my room, thinking, she continued, "there's a lot of four words, like a lot." She was nodding at the same time her big round gray eyes were staring at me. It made me laugh.

        "I thought about that too." I said, disappointed, not having an appropriate answer again. I've asked a lot of people, that includes Ace and Samantha and as what I was expected they just teased me. I posted it on my Facebook too, some just liked it and some said it just maybe a thing to just mess my mind, to keep me thinking. But Ashton is not that kind of person. He won't say anything if he didn't mean it and sometime yes, he could be crazy and mess up with me but he still ended up telling me what it meant or tell me he was messing around.

        "Why?" She asked. I pursed my lips. Having a doubt of telling her that I saw Ashton again and we talked, that he was the reason why I was acting this way the past few days. Any minute this time if she didn't leave it would slip through my lips.

        I looked at my room instead, the clock spotted, it read 5:45 pm, beside it was my window with the same black curtain. The light coming from the window was beautiful; it was orange, burning red and the coming darkness. I wonder if Ashton any of these days would climb up the wall to my window.

        It'd be cute like the surprise visits he have done.