four words [the fangirl ii - a.i]

10

     "I like black clothes and you."

     I do not often hear these kind of things. And everytime I do, I blush even without directly saying it to me. And now, hell. He pulled my chin up to his and looked at me.

     "You're blushing," he said, smiling. I didn't know if he was mocking because at that moment he didn't have to do anything, or say anything. The way he looked at me, the way he smiled at me told me everything even it was confusing. "Come here," he murmured and pulled me into a hug.

     "How about Luke?" I asked, worried, they haven't had a 'talk'. Even if they did, they'd just talk angrily or worst, they'd shout.

     "We've talked about this like almost twenty times. We'd mention it everytime we fought over something," his grip to my hand got tighter. It wasn't easy for him neither for Luke. Both of them have to choose between friendship, band and love. For me, having known them for three years as a fangirl, all of them have been so close. They treated each other as brothers. I put my free hand at the top of his. "I think we have to cool things down first. then we'll ran away." his continue.

     "Why don't we just run away right now?" He was silenced by my question. Looking into my eyes relentlessly, trying to find some wit in it.

     He found nothing.

     "You want to?" he asked.

     "I mean... I don't know because right now. Being in your arms is the highlight of this day," I buried my face to his chest and hugged him with my hands intertwined at his back, "Its the only thing that feels right."

     I didn't want to cry but holding back all of these were too much for me.

     Sitting there at the top of his new bought truck at three in the morning felt peaceful. The city lights were off, the roads were empty, the air was cold and we were wide awake staring at the empty horizon.

     After telling him what happened and after scolding me he changed his position again. He was that kind of man who would put a force on his voice for you to take intact in your head of what he said and not by aggression and shouts. He pulled me up against him with my back facing him. "Its so cold." He whispered to my neck and hugged me from the back then grabbed my hands and buried his face to my neck.

     "We can go inside. We can go home." I stopped short then continued, "If you want to."

     "Do you want to?" he asked. I jumped off the car and fixed my shirt. Stretching my arms, gazing at the black tinted sky I said, "I don't even want to go back."

     I went inside the car and he remained outside, lying down at the front wide glass of the truck. I knocked to it. He looked back and sat up. I tried to write 'I thought you were cold' backwards so he could read it.

     He just shrugged.

      'Is there something wrong?'

     He shook his head.

     'Do you want to - '

     Suddenly he jumped off and hurried inside. "I was just thinking if...," he closed the door gently.

     "Don't even think about it," I said then, "He won't let you. I don't want to get swept away. I don't want the distance between the two of you to grow even more. I could live my own." I told him with all my energy that I bounced from my sit and I didn't seem to stop talking, "I graduated college, I could find a work, I could rent an apartment I could buy things on my own because all I wanted was to be independent and Ashton..." I stopped to breath in some air but...

     "What?" he asked, giggling, then kissed me so gently that my knees went weak even I was sitting and he smiled in between our lips. Instead he took all the air I had in my mouth. Like those in the movies?

     What was about him that everything that was happening felt so new. Or it was just me?

     "I won't let you do that silly," he touched the tip of my nose and pinched it, "I want to move out with you but I want it the right way. You know how much I respect you and your parents despite with all these urges I have."

     "I want you to know that you're enough for me" I said.

A S H T O N     I R W I N

     I was in the midst of my wonderful dream where Sarah and I already moved out and have children. We made a soccer team. Like for real, that's be awesome!

     "No, honestly Luke," I heard Calum speaking to Luke just outside the door, "when Michael and I recorded it, it sounded good or maybe great."

     Luke wasn't in the mood to talk about whatever that they were talking about. I could tell he just woke up because of his voice. "Well fuck it, whatever the management wants." I heard footsteps coming and they found me lying at the bed sheets around me, staring into nothingness and yawning.

     "Ash," Luke called me by the name he used to call me. It was his normal woken up deep voice, not angry, he wasn't shouting either, "Do you agree?"

     "Luke, if you don't want to record just because its me," I point myself and sat, "don't let your anger consume you. Don't rip the band you built for years apart just because of me. It'd be the best revenge for me but it won't because I'm not even mad anymore." It was early in the morning and we were talking about our issue again. Could we just atleast eat breakfast or even brush our teeth?, "I'm just reminding you... You've built this life for us. You found us along the way and we're thankful for that."

     "I'm not the only one who built it." he said and walked away.

     I smiled of the thought of him. Luke responding to me and even more when he approached me first.

     I looked at Calum that was smiling, "Today, 11 AM.We're packing up for the new song."

     I smiled too and got ready for the day.