four words [the fangirl ii - a.i]

64

     I let myself to fall asleep into drunkenness after six bottles in the fridge. Tried my best not to confront him, tried my best to understand him and with the fact that I was under influence of alcohol, he won't even consider it. I tried my best to analyze and criticize every single thing of it; about me being unable to get his calls and not texting back right after he sent his message. I was working. And my inner five year old acting.

    I knew, on cam, they were together and nothing could hurt more than that. More than seeing your husband being held by another woman in public, seeing your own husband kissing another woman by the temples. Its the sweetest kiss and has lots of respect in it. I wanted that, I loved that but I couldn't have it.

     They had freedom, why couldn't we? Why all of these things, why do I always have to be the option? I was never the chosen one. Maybe Ashton chose me because he knew I was right for his ego, that he knew I would never cheat because I was head over heels for him. Why do I always have to feel this way? Why do people always make me feel this way?

     The next morning I was woken up by something hitting my head. Turned out to be Ace's point and forefinger telling me to get up and how I had hangover and he didn't. "Why are you still on bed? Stop acting. You ain't actress missy. Get up." He sat at the end of my bed, looking right at me in his three fourths. It was actually a polo and he cut it to his elbows to "make it look like not too formal", he'd always say.

     In his slicked back hair he said, "We just got this job over three months and I don't want you to lose it," he started. Looked like we'd be emotional today. "You looked happy working at it. You feel happy at it. They'd promote your book as well! Isn't that great?"

    I got up from the bed and momentarily stared at the floor. Three months, this whole three months and these jobs we both got was such a disaster for Ashton and I, for our marriage, but its what makes me feel alive, what makes me feel I am myself and I'm sure as Heavens music does the same with him. And this job and his job keeps us living and we have to keep at it but it keeps us apart and falling apart, again.

     I was searching nonstop until I get another information, keep traveling just to see every detail of certain antique or history. I'd talk to an author here and there, I'd read days and days to feel I'm in it, that I am included at the history I am reading, as if what would I feel and think if I was at the time? What would I do? Would I be curious and be inspired to create a new masterpiece as well like these inventors with their genius inventions?

     A ring from my phone cut me off from flooding thoughts inside my head or should I say ranting inside my head.

     I took it from the other side of the bed where my small cabinet located and on top of it was the lampshade Samantha gave to me. It was made of sticks and papers but really useful. It has Ashton's faces. She really knew what would make me very happy but sometimes it gets weird to see your husband's face at it. "Its Irwin. Can I have a moment please?" I said and Ace stood over and kissed me on the head while I was sitting, he said, "I'll be waiting downstairs. You get your shit together."

     Hands in his pockets, elbows thrown back he went downstairs. I told him I have his back but it always seem the other way around. I could never be this thankful having Ace around.

     He, Ashton, was calling Facetime. I have forgotten that I had to sent him a message everytime I wake up in the morning. Everyday. "I love you." Was his first three words when I hit the green button.

     I was about to answer back but Ace managed to shout from the door that we were getting late. I thought he did it intentionally because why would you shout if you knew that I could hear you? Unless he wanted to make me irritated and stuff.

     I noticed that his slicked back hair is now messy and his bangs lied down at the side of his face. His three buttons up are now opened and seeing his collar bones made him look... different.

     I couldn't help but smile and said, "Much better."

     And before I could forget that I was talking to Ashton he asked me who was it and I told him it was Ace and continued saying, "I'm sorry I wasn't able to send you a message. Ace just woken me up. Anyways we are running very late. I'll talk to you later. Bye. You take care. I ah..." I didn't know why I hesitated but continued anyways, "I love you."

     I pressed the red button.

     Like their song, I feel like we're as close as strangers and it felt empty. The conversations felt empty, it was nothing. I couldn't feel anything. Why do we always run around in this circle? In this phase? It was like nonstop.

     I was getting tired. But I put my shit together and went to work without having any calls and texts from Ashton or Michael, when he uses Mikey's incase he forgot his at the hotel.

     But today none of it happened.

    I checked the band's snapchat and there he goes, very happy with his friends. I am okay with everything in it, I was actually smiling to my ears when I heard his voice but not until the camera caught Bry. My smile dropped that very instant. Not that I hate her, if its the job that have given then why would I hate her? I just hate the reality. That I couldn't actually touch him, with my own hands.

     I miss him in my arms. I miss the times when he made efforts just to make me feel happy. Just to see me, even for a few minutes. Because today, even he's just miles away, he couldn't even drive to my home. Its sad.

     I'm sad.

     Very.