𝚘𝚢𝚊𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚒 ~ 𝚘𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚒 𝚋𝚏/𝚐𝚏 𝚜𝚌𝚎𝚗𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚘𝚜 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚑𝚘𝚝𝚜

what the f*** do i call something like this: life jam guy x reader

it's been officially one year since i posted the first chapter of this fic! so, to say thank you, i decided to write something special for you all. so, here, i give you... whatever this is.

do you really think i'm the type to trick you twice? get double pranked.

~~~

You ran through the junkyard, peeling off layers of suffocating clothing. Your partner had stood you up again, and you spotted them off with another person on your way home. Not knowing what to do, you decided to run away. And, there's where you found yourself. The junkyard. Well, you thought, I'm with the rest of the trash now.

Racing past piles of scrap, you ended up collapsing next to a fence, puffing and panting with tears streaming down your cheeks. It hurt to be alone, but not knowing what to do, you just sat and sobbed.

Suddenly, out of a dumpster, something crashed. And, there he was. The most beautiful guy you'd ever seen. He was bright red, with a wide, inviting smile. Your EC orbs found their way travelling up and down his glassy curves. The man oozed sex appeal thicker than jam, and also thicker than his absolute dump truck booty.

"Hey there! I'm the Life Jam Guy!" he said in a booming voice, and you could feel your face heat up with a rosy blush that was almost redder than jam. "I sell life jam! It really works!"

After a second, he noticed how your eyes were red (like jam) from crying, and his face fell. Sitting down on the floor next to you, he patted your back with a large hand.

"H-hi, Life Jam Guy," you whimpered rather sadly.

"What's got you feeling so blue, babe?"

"My partner cheated on me today when we were supposed to be on a date," you sniffled. "It was our anniversary too!"

"I don't remember that being a plot point," he muttered. "The author's just getting lazy now."

"She is."

"Anyway, can any of your life jam heal a broken heart, Mr Jam Guy?"

"Sadly no, it just brings people back from the dead," he replied. "But don't worry, babe, I'll take you out somewhere special. My treat."

"R-really?" you stammered, wiping your tears away.

"I guess you could call it a bit of a free demo, if you know what I mean." He winked before standing up, offering you a hand and taking you out of the junkyard. 

Wandering the streets of Otherworld felt different with such a handsome man by your side. The street lamps shone brighter, the world seemed happier, and you felt safer than ever with him. Looking across the street, you saw your ex with their new partner. Looking over, they gasped loudly. "Omg, is that YN with the Life Jam Guy??" they asked, their jaw agape with shock. Flipping them off, you continued to walk.

When staring at him, you noticed the smaller jam jar in his other hand. Surprised, you poked him gently to get his attention. "Who's that?"

"He's my son. I hope you don't mind him coming along today. He has to be with me all the time, I don't want him to get lost."

"Oh no, it's fine." You mentally cheered. Big, strong, and a DILF? It was looking like things were finally working in your favour that day.

Taking a seat at a table in the fancy restaurant he bought you to, you ordered something to eat and drink. When you were looking into his black orbs, he smiled gently. Taking your hand, he caressed the back of it with his thumb. "So, why did they cheat on somebody so beautiful? Or handsome, whichever you prefer."

"I don't know. I don't think I did anything wrong."

"It's their fault, not yours. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. Take Donald Trump as an example. He's bad, but he was the president of the USA for a while."

"Who's that?"

"I don't even know. Beats me what America is as well. This is Headspace, after all." Shrugging his broad, defined shoulders, he continued. "Basically the point is their past actions are out of your control, but your future actions are. That's why you've got to get your revenge."

"I'm listening..." You felt that if you were a half demon/half wolf/half vampire bad boy named Jake, your eyes would be glowing red as jam at that moment.

"After dinner's done, we should go to their house. I assume you understand what'll happen next." He took a sip of his champagne, which was very surreal, considering he's literally a giant jar of jam. You then questioned why you were simping over a giant jar of jam.

"I like the sound of that. Do you know where I can find a gun in this pastel coloured fantasy dream world?"

"They don't call me Death Jam Guy at the street fighting club for nothing, babe," the real deal sex appeal himself snarled, his lips twisting into a crooked smile.

"Alright. Let's pull off the perfect crime." As you smirked, you clinked your glasses together. Sorry, unnamed ex partner character, but it was nice knowing you.

why did i do this i had no plan or direction for this thing i just didn't know what else to write to celebrate this book being active for a year
speaking of which, thank you all for sticking with me for this long! the support has been crazy and i didn't even think that i'd be writing this for so long. those of you who have been here this whole time, you're the real ogs and i wanna give you a big fat (platonic) kiss on the cheek /hj
also, i feel like now would be a good time for me to come clean to you about something... i haven't ever finished the game. i'm still before the spaceboy fight atm (but the controls on pc frustrate me so i plan to buy the switch port when it drops and finish it then)
please still love me as a father i am sorry
also thanks for 218k, love you all like kids <3
that's all for now! catch ya on the flip side, trash gremlins!
- trashbag