Maybe, probably | Hwang Hyunjin

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They say the things that finally break you, are the words caught in your throat. And I had years of thoughts not uttered, crammed in the pockets of my coat.

"Please, I beg you," he kept knocking on the locked door. "Open the door, Y/n." he pleaded, but I did nothing. Instead, Soomi was the one who was fighting with him through the door.

"Go away Hwang!" she said, but as if he didn't hear her at all. He just kept knocking and saying he's sorry. "It's too late now, go dig a hole and jump."

She said, finally deciding to ignore him and walked over to sit next to me. She looked at me, and her eyes spoke to me in the way her words couldn't.

"You need to decide, whether you want to stay or leave. I don't have a say in this, but it's better if you save yourself from this place." she whispered, gently placing her hand onto my leg.

A loud crash, coming from outside broke the silence after she gave me that advice. "What's going on?" I asked. "San's here."

"You called San?" I looked at her, knowing this will not end well at all. "No, Felix did. He said you'd be better if you had him around." she said.

"Did you two not consider that those two might kill each other?" Even though the door was closed, we could still hear their argument.

"Haven't you done enough already? I'm so sick of all your bullshit that she has to go through!" San yelled at him. "Choi, I have nothing against you, but this is really none of your fucking business!"

"You think Soomi and Felix would just talk about Riki to anybody? THEY TRUSTED THIS GROUP! And everyone respected that, except you!" he said, and this time Hyunjin didn't say anything in return.

"You're so selfish man! Your heart is as cold as my dorm room, and I can't feel my toes in that room, so it's bloody cold!" but San kept going. "I wonder where were you when I had to wipe her tears, that she spilled for you!"

"Move." after a pause, San tried to get into the room. And when Soomi was about to let him in, Hyunjin stopped him.

"You can't wipe her tears! Understood?!" he snapped at San. "You think I like doing that?" and the short tempered guy argued back.

"What?" Hyunjin asked. "You think I like wiping her tears that flow because of you? Looking me in the eyes, she said, 'if something happens to him I won’t survive'."

"Do you still not see what an idiot you are? You can't fix yourself by breaking someone else!" and after saying that, Soomi let him inside and left, as San locked the door again.

"Princess?" he called out, but I just didn't want to talk. At least, not yet. "I'm sorry I couldn't be here for you earlier." he apologized at least 10 times after this.

"I understand that you don't want to talk right now, but-" he tried to comfort me. "I thought," I whispered. "I thought my actions could be good enough, that I could be good enough. I thought one day, if I tried really hard I could do it. I could finally make him happy."

"But in the end, he’s good. I'm bad. He knows nothing about me. None of them do.” I said. "We know your heart. I think that's enough." San shook his head.

"No, it's not. You all have mistakes, but I have wounds."

I made him get out of the room eventually, wanting to get some peace and quiet without everyone looking at me like I'm a lost cause.

I know they felt sorry, but I didn't need to deal with their emotions right now. He told me, he would still stay in the apartment if I need him, or if he by any chance isn't there, I have Soomi, Felix and literally the other 6 boys.

I was thankful. Truly thankful, that they understood my situation, but at the same time if I could I would gladly reverse the clock and never let them know about anything.

I wasn't thrilled when I found out Felix and Soomi told them about Riki. I didn't like the idea of sharing something so important with others. I wasn't ready, but they acted like everything was fine for 2 months.

I never would've even thought they knew something, because they always acted like everything was just perfect. They were the same, but sometimes they would pay too much attention to me.

It didn't bother me because we grew attached to each others, friendships grew and it was certainly a nice feeling to have in your heart after such a long time.

They were my light in the world full of darkness. They still are.

But what he did, has crossed every possible limit we all had. Was he truly sorry or just felt guilty cause he did it in public, is something I don't even want to know.

He meant something to me, something more than the other boys. But now he ruined even that little special bubble he was in.

I was 10 years old when my teacher told me that the most colorful insects were also the most venomous ones. And I was 21 years old when I looked into his eyes and realized that my teacher had been right all along.

'I sincerely hope, someday you'll find an old picture of me and you'll wonder if I still love strawberry milkshakes, more than life itself. If I still go ice skating even though I always fall straight on my butt, but love it either ways. Or if I still request a pinky promise upon agreement. And maybe you'll wonder if I wonder about you.' I thought.

Even now I wonder, are we attracted to each others lives? Or are we really just addicted to each others lies.

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My phone woke up and chose violence 🔪

I was just writing this part, and he decided to play Silent Cry in the argument part, and then Hyunjin' Little Star.

THE AUDACITY OMG

I WASN'T PREPARED B!TCH, STOP ATTACKING ME, I'M IN MY FEEELLLSSSSSS

The book has so little chapters till the end, I'm so saddd, but on the other hand that means I get to publish my other books too