alone again / Finished BxB /

mirrors and markers TW

Before you read it please know that there is selfharm in this chapter. You can skip it and not miss a lot for the next chapter <33

When i was done with my bucket list i went back to the same old bathroom. I get the weed from the drawer under the sink. I roll up my blunt and smoke that shit down.

I want to forget everything.

I put on some music just to not be alone with my thoughts. I put on my old playlist to feel the same way i used to. Happy.

The songs go by and by and so are the memories. The good memories and the bad memories. Like the song i played for a highschool musical when they all thought i had talent.

The song that played when i walked around town with my old friends. I dont miss the people but more the memories and the feelings they gave me. We used to be a packed deal, '5 friends agaisnt the world' we used to scream on the top of our lungs. But now i am all alone.

The song 'a sunday kind of love' plays next reminding me of the first time i kissed my girl. A old song in the little café by the lake. I should go to the lake with dean to bring back the memories we all shared there.

The memories of the old friends we used to have before the accident happend. I still think about that day every now and then but usually drink away the feelings quickly. 

The little bathroom with the old tub is starting to feel old. Its the same room every single day. The huge mirror on the wall pisses me off the most.

Whenever im here to not care about reality i can see myself in the mirror. I look weird and not like myself. My hair is weird and diffrent. My eyes look soggy and the way my eyebags are even worse then normal. The way the pores are even worse then normally and the spots on my face here and there. I look different and not how others see me. Its weird seeing yourself but not recognizing the reflection.

I dont recognize myself most of the time. In photos or videos. In the mirror here or in a  window reflection. Maybe thats the reason i feel so distant from myself.

I feel like im watching my life like a movie. I can sometimes interact with it but it still doesnt feel real. I feel like im trapped inside my head.

I get a marker thats inside the drawer and start putting words all over my body.

I start writing on my legs and then all the way up my neck. I look like some art project on a cheesy ass insta post with "love yourself" on it .

Toxic positivity.

I look in the mirror were i cant even recognize myself and reread the words "selfish" "stupid" "ugly" and so on and so on. On my chest i got "broken promisses" to remind myself of her. 'You wont leave me right?' I asked you thousends of times over again 'no i wont' you always say. But you broke the promise.

I take my phone and take a mirror pic. I cover my face with my phone. If i cant recognize myself right know they also wont. I take a pic and you can clearly see all the words.

Imma post this shit who cares anyways. Maybe its my last post i will ever make. I put the caption "love yourself bullshit" on it and click post.

The 78 followers i have probably will just scroll past it like any normal person would. Maybe dean will like this and then just leave it be. Nobody will care anyways.

My account looks like it never been used before. There no dms , no profile picture and no bio. Its invisible like me . The only thing it got right now is this depressed picture.

My phone starts to ring after a few min. I take my phone and see that its a unknown number. Its probably a scammer that wants to sell me something. But they need to get their bread paid too in some ways i guess.

"Hello" i ask when i awnser the unknown call.  "Hey its mai, you know the one that drew the fishes with u" her voice says. She has a sweet voice almost calm like but deep inside you can hear the firce undertone. I have no clue why she doesnt have her number shown but i am not here to ask questions.

Me : yeah i remeber whats up?
Mai : were all going to the city you down to join ?
Me : sure what time you wanna be there ?
Mai : around 7 pm is fine.
Me : oke ill be there.

I hang up the phone.  Does she think im in their friendgroup right now. I know dean likes to fuck around with them and is a social guy but i dont even want to have a friend in the world.

I would be better of alone in this world. Nobody who will come to my funeral.  Nobody that can keep my memories that we shared with them and maybe share them. Nobody in the word that could hold me back when i take away my own future.

Its just 4pm right now so i got some time before i am going out with them. I dont know why i agreed to this but i will go so dean wont be upset with me and drag me out of this house.

Dean thinks im to depressed and that im to young to die and everything. He says i should 'be happy and smoke weed and drink with your friends on a friday night when youre 21 and not be depressed'  even tho it is just a week day.

I know i got a class right now but i wont even go to it . I dont think education matters when youre not even going to be old enough to get the diploma. All my knowledge will be washed away to the unknown along with my soul.

I sink right back to the place i was a few minutes ago when mai called me. Back to my own space in my head. When i die will i go to that space forever or will i be going to a pitch darkness without even a thought or a way to think i was once a human with their own live.

I get the knife from the drawer and just fiddle around with it. Just playing with it and doing nothing. Dean says i should try that instead of cutting into my own skin.

Maybe that works for some people but i know it doesnt work for me. I am so exhausted of doing what my brain wants me to do. I just want to to be any happy young adult alive but instead i got this.

I put the music louder and louder to try and drown out the emotions but it doesnt help. Nothing ever helps. Even when i was with her i couldnt drown it out.

The thoughts are getting louder and louder and louder and making me insane. I cant shut them down and i cant shut myself down right now. I dont wanna die in this place. I will go somewhere beautiful. One thing i deserve is one good last look at the earth.

I dig the knife right into my skin. And there goes the blood coming out. The red liquid flows out of my skin from under the knife i am holding.

It shuts the thoughts of for a few secconds. I know dean wont like this but hes my last priority i have right now. I do it again and again until the thoughts shut up.

Normally rich people wouldve gone to some fancy good therapist right now. But i cant even afford to have normal food how will i afford a good mental health.

I play the same depressing music as always. Isnt it in some way comforting to know other people feel like u do? Even though it wont fix anything its better to know youre not alone.

After i am done with this depressive bullshit i take a few tissues and clean off the blood that spilled on the ground and wash my arms of with water.

Dean would be disappointed in me when he sees that i did it again. But he already is disappointed in me in anyway possible so why does it matter to draw a bit of blood right.

The blood wouldnt stop spilling out even after a few minutes but i knew it wasnt enough to kill me so i wasnt worried.

And even if i would die from this i wouldnt care either way. Maybe just looking outside my window for the last few drags of air was good enough for my soul to rest.

I put on a lose shirt without sleeves so i wouldnt have to get the blood stains off later. I look outside my window and was just disappointed.

Even if i were to die right now (Even though i am not dying right now) I would be disapointed. It looks out to a quiet parking place with a lot of trash around and 1 big tree on the side thats already halfway dying of the bad city air.

The leaves are brown and the trash is everywhere. I know damn well there must be a rat or a cockroach in there somewhere.  This isnt were i wouldve wanted to die.

Thaaats it for this chapter