alone again / Finished BxB /

naps *slight tw*

Coming home from having such a good day is such a weird feeling. Youre still happy that you had such a great day but when you came home you realise that now you're alone . The whole day is instead of a reality just a memory.

I take of my pants and keep wearing the same shirt again that smells even stronger like xiever then it did ever before. I like the smell of him, its calming to me for some reason.

Its around 4 pm right now but i dont feel like doing anything. Even though this whole day has been great i still feel so drained out of evey little bit of enegry i had.

I jump into my bed and close my eyes. Even though i cant fall asleep i still get some rest. I wish i could just sleep whenever i want to but instead i cant fall asleep no matter how tired i am.

After a hour of 2 i take out my phone and see its 6 pm. I guess i should go eat something so i have atleast something in my stomach. 

I walk into the kitchen and grab whatever i could find. I guess 2 slices of bread with peanut butter is good even though it isnt really a dinner but atleast its something.

The sun isnt shining as much as it was when i was with xiever. Its still shining a bit even though its 6 pm. I love the winter a lot because its dark a lot out and more of a cozy stay indoors type of season.

I try my best to get this bread down. Its wirh success even though after i feel the need to puke it all out. I keep it in because i really dont want to eat again later.

I walk to my bed again and hope i would fall asleep again. I feel emotionally and fysically drained even after such a good day.

Maybe i am just a shitty person for feeling like this everytime i hang out with people. It doesnt even matter if it was a good or bad day or with who i am i just feel like there is nothing in me anymore.

After hours and hours of trying to fall asleep i just get up. I check the time and its 5:45am. Well fuck sleeping i guess. I go to the bathroom and take put a joint and roll that shit up.

I go to my bedroom again and open a window and blow the smoke out of it. I know my neighbors will complain about it but who the fuck cares. The police wont arrest me for smoking weed in my own apartment. 

I play some lowkey depressing music and just vibe and wait until the weed hits me. I take a engery drink i got laying somewhere in the corner and drink it up and trow the can on the ground around the other trash.

Maybe one day i will clean this apartment but thays probably just as unlikely as me having a will to life. But i guess when i am gone they will just put everything in trashbags and sell the rest and then it will all be clean without me having to do it.

I should thank them cuz i know it will be a shit place to clean. I take a note and a pen and start writing 'sorry for the trouble, thanks for cleaning out my depressing ass room' maybe they will think i petty them but atleast i said something.

At around 9 am i finally fell asleep. I was so exhausted from being awake that my body finally let me get rest.

I wake up already feeling the eyebags on my face. I already know i look like shit and a homeless person but i wasnt planing on doing something anyways. 

I go to the bathroom and see my shitty face. The eyebags are even worse then i thought they were and there a few new pimples and imperfections on my face.

My face doesnt even have any color in it. I look like ive been jumping out of the grave or something. My hair is sticking out to every place it shouldnt be. It looks like i havent even washed it or brushed it for 9 years or something.

I brush my fingers trough my hair but with no success it starts to look good again. I wont be seeing anybody today anyways. I take some short pants that were laying i the corner

I guess a few more wounds that will turn into scars wouldnt matter on my arm. At this point i dont even care who sees them. I do the same shit again that i promised i would do. The same shit that probably one day will kill me.

I stay in the bathroom again for a hour just letting myself get drowned into my thoughts again. Its around 1pm and the sun is already shining bright again.

No matter how the day before was it will always rise again and a new day will come along with it.

I go to the living room and work down a piece of bread again. I cant live on a empty stomach again for days just because i dont have the enegry. 

I cant get myself to even have a bit of enegry. Maybe feeling so drained and numb is worse then feeling sad.

I lay on the coutch just staring at the ceiling and put on some sad music again. After like 30 minutes i hear the doorbell go of.

Fuck i dont wanna stand up. But i guess i will you never know whos there. I open the door and see the whole group there.

"You look terrible" dean points out "i know" i say and rub my eyes. "U wanna do something?" Cylde asks me and tries his best to sound friendly but his tone is more concerned.

I really dont have the enegry to go out and talk with people at the moment. "Im good, ill stay here" i say and push out my best friendly smile i could do but instead it just looked weird and awkward.

Apollo and xiever look at me with concerned eyes but stay quiet. Apollo has his puppy eyes focused on me as always and xiever shows a tiny bit of emotion for a change.

I guess everyone here knows i am not really doing the best i could be doing. But thankfully they let me have the day to myself to just sit in my own little pathetic sorrows.

I close the door on them and walk back to the coutch. I look at the ceiling again and just get lost into my thoughts i have again like i always do.

Maybe i am just a very dreamy person. But i guess i would call it more depressed. Maybe the feelings i have are valid after what happend with my last friendgroup.

I still think about them from day to day and know that if i werent stupid and young i couldve ended up very different from what i am now.

Maybe i wouldve been happier and maybe i would still be friends with them all and still would be with my girl living out our happy life we had.

But we cant change the way the past is so all we got to do is just grow to be able to life with the mistakes we did no matter how hard it is.

I know i didnt take the mistakes any good and i know that most people wouldnt have let it go so easy.

Its been 2 years without them and 2 years without stepping into a car. Doesnt matter who drives but i just wont ever get into one. Maybe its childish after allthese years and of all the years before without anything happening, but i just wont go trough all that again.

I hope that when im gone i could leave behind all the bad memories and mistakes i made into the void i will be going to.

I dont really believe in a god or a bigger someone thats protecting over all of us. Because if there would be one they wouldn thave taken him away so early from us. They wouldve let him have their happy ending and they wouldve protected over all of us.

The depressing music is still in the backround. Even though i wasn't even listening and was just fully in my thoughts its comforting in a way.

I look at my phone again and see 8pm. i guess i wasted a whole day doing absolutely nothing but being a bad friend and a sitting in my shitty feelings.

I missed dinner again for the thousends time but at this point it doesnt even matter anymore. I dont even feel a bit hungry like a normal human would.