alone again / Finished BxB /

sleeping bags and movies

Xievers head is still resting on my lap. My fingers are still running trough his hair. I am still exhausted. And his still in my more clean apartment .

Xiever looks at my arm and takes it. He rubs his tumb slowly on the newly wounds. "What happend?" He asks me and looks at me even more worried then last time. "Mhmm i guess uhhh" i stumble over the words.

"You dont have to explain" he tells me with his soft voice again and tries to look less worried then he is. "Also what happend to your hand?" He asks me while staring at it. How do i tell him im so fucked up. He will probably leave me soon if i keep doing this shit over and over again. Or maybe ill leave this world first. I guess we will never know.

"I accidentally hurt my hand and i didnt want the blood to spread everywhere" i say to him and slowly take the bandage off. There is no use to hide it anyways. When the bandage is fully off xiever quickly hold my hand between mine and sits up again.

"What the fuck dash?!?!" He asked at me concerned and looks at me worried like never before "what did u do???" He asks me again and i just shrug my shoulders.

I never want to tell him what happend.

"Hello...dash?!?!" He said and moves his hand infront of my eyes so he would get my full attation so i will say something. "Just stupid shit oke, i dont want to talk about this" i say to him more serious but not really unfriendly. I can see where his coming from, I would probably react the same way as he is right now if it was him or dean or anyone to have random nail wounds in their hand.

Xiever places his hand on my cheek and let it rest there "im here for u oke, just call me or text me or anything and i will be here to help u... okay??" He tells me and looks me into my eyes but i look away. I feel embarrassed for even doing this shit. "Okay dash??" He tells me again "okay" i reply to him.

"Imma go to the bathroom you can go home if u want to" i tell him but he shakes his hand and waits for me to return back.

I walk into the bathroom and can feel my breath getting tidder every seccond and mt heartbest racing in my ears and the sweat forming on my hands.

Fuck this isnt happening right now. I close the door behind me not even bothering to lock it. And then the panic attack just fully started to get a hold on me. I completely forget where i am or with who i even was for a moment and try to calm myself with much fail.

"Dash?!?!?" I hear xievers voice. I dont even know how long its been but probably long enough for me to calm down a tiny bit "here" i reply with a weak voice and hear the door open to the bathroom and see a head peaking trough.

Xiever rushes to me and sits next to me "are u okay??" He asks me trying to sound calm and in controll even though i can hear the worried undertone. I cant even breath normal and i know he can see that. My hand is grabbing the tshirt on the place my heart is laying.

"Hey dash look at me" he says to me and i do as he says so. "Breath like i am doing" he says to me and he breathes in and out very slow doing some hand movements while i try to follow him as best as i can.

After a minute or 2 i am calm again but i still hear the heartbeat in my ears. "Youre okay dash" he tells me, its more like telling me then asking me. "Thanks" i say to him and get up from the cold ground and holding my hand out for him to take it.

We both walk to the living room again and xiever sits next to me on the coutch again. "Does it happen a lot?" He asks me and looks me straight into my eyes again like always. "Sometimes" i reply. Maybe not on that scale but it does happen a few times a week.

"Im here for you – okay" He tells me again. I not my head yes to him. "What where you going to do today?" I ask him trying to change the subject to something less serious "probably hang out with you if u want too" he smiles to me still not looking away. I can feel his eyes on burning on my skin. "Im okay with that" i tell him and he smiles again but slightly bigger then the last time.

"Besides i cleaned the livingroom for you" xiever says to me in a more cheerfull mocking voice trying to lighten the mood. "You didnt have too" i say rolling my eyes overly dramatic. In some way he always knows how to make me feel a bit better even in a shitty situation.

"Nooo im your maid now, i am at your service princess" he says again and i roll my eyes at the word princess. "Not a princess" i roll my eyes at him and he sticks out his tongue childishly trying to make fun of me.

"You cant do anything about me calling u princess" he says coming closer to my face. "Oh yeah i can" i say confidently and puff up my chest to make me look more tough. "Oh no im do scared!!!" He says to me very dramatic and laughs at me. I push him by his shoulders so he falls on the couch we were sitting on . I accidentally lost balance and almost fall straight on to his face but catch myself with my arms.

Xiever stops breathing for a sec and then looks at my lips and grins. I am frozen into place. I can feel his breathing agaisnt my face again and i know he can feel my breath.

He moves even closer to my face then ever before. Our lips almost touch each other. Our noses are slmost touching each other. I look at xievers lips and back to his eyes.

I quickly sit up again and so does xiever.  He scratches the back of his neck again and gives me a awkward laugh. 

"I guess i wont call u princess anymore" he says to me and scratches again. I puff up my chest again to look all tough and song "i told u so" i say with full pride "dont act too cocky before i got to do something about that" he smirks at me and looks at my lips again like he did just a moment before.

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" I ask him and grab fhe remote already. "What do u wanna watch?" He asks me and i jusy shrug my shoulders "whatever u want is fine" i tell him and give him a tiny smile.

"Mhmm just put some random movie on everything is fine" he says to me. I put on some random movie but both of us arent even looking at the movie but more to each other.

"You seem to be cheering up a bit" xiever says to me and smiles at me again like always. Im starting to get to used to the friendly smiles at this point. "I am" i say to him "because of me?" He asks me and smirks at me again. Maybe his right. Maybe he does make this shitty day less of a headache and gives me a bit of enegery. 

"I'll never give u the awnser to that" i reply to him and smirk at him back. "Ughhh always so secretive" xiever says and rolls his eyes dramaticly at me. "Dash" xiever says to me and looks at me "you know u dont have to hide with me" he tells me "i know" i tell him and put my hand on the arm with the countless of cuts. I know i can tell him everything i waant but still i cant seem to even express anything. 

We talk about life for a few hours and ate some take out food xiever ordered because as usally i didnt have anything to give to him.

"Its getting pretty late" i say to xiever.  Irs around 10pm right now and im exhausted.  Not the mental type but just really tired. "I guess so, im so tired" he says to me. "Wanna sleep over, its late and were both tired. I will clear out some space on my bed" i say to him and give him a little sheepish tired smile. "Sure, i would like that" he says to me and smiles back at me.

I trow him a tshirt i only wore 1 time and some clean pants. I hope he doesnt mind to much. I also change into a clean tshirt and some shorts and clear off some space of the bed.

thaaats it i hope you like this chap :))