alone again / Finished BxB /

drunk laughs

The thoughts are overwhelming me and the sounds everywhere arent working. The dishwasher is on and the dryer. The birds are chirping louder then ever and the tv sounds alone are enough to make me overwhelmed. Everything is ecoing trough my brain along with the thousends of thoughts.

Its like i am drowing in a sea. You can hear the water gojng into your ear and the bubbles around it. The waves clashing agaisnt the rocks above you and every other little thing. The worst thing about this all isnt the sounds of the sea but its your thoughts. The urge to swim back up and save yourself even deep down knowing that its to late. You know that the waves above you are to far up for the air in your lungs. Its your choice if you want to struggel until the end or give up. Maybe if u struggled to the end you realise that whatever you did wasnt enough to save you. But when you stop struggling maybe you couldve been saved like a miracle. What if u let the pressure in your head take the lead of you when you couldve had a whole life after.

Are we that both scenarios are weak? Or in both scenarios strong and hoping in the end they couldve had what we always wanted. Both of us will be taken away by the sea and never letting our bodys be found again, was it really the right choice when we will end up the same?

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I feel like i am slipping away from reality. I walk to the bathroom but dont seem like i am moving. Its like there are bricks on my feet making me stay at the same place. "I can do it" i wisper to myself and stand up and walk to the bathroom. I sit down on the cold white tiled floor and i feel still all around. Its like the worlds pressure is on me.

It doesnt feel like a panic though. It feels different then the other times before. Maybe its guilt? It doesnt feel like that right? I cant shake the feeling from me and i could feel a wave of sleep coming over me. I cant fall asleep right now i just wake up. I dont know whats coming in to me but its like i am not controlling my own body. Its more that i am watching myself like a movie.

I take a pencil sharpener blade and bring it to my skin. I shouldnt do this. I take a deep breath and without any expression on my face i cut into the bodem part of my legs. The feeling of it feels releaving in a way. It isnt good i know, but still i do it. I will regret this later but for now i will let my mind go blank.

I keep laying on the bathroom with the bloody blade next to me in my rested hand. I can see the blood coming out but not to bad like last time. Its bad isnt it? How will i even explain this to xiever. Atleast i have a day alone so i wont have to explain it to him just yet.

I drag myself up ans wash my hands in the sink. The cold water brings me back a little but not a lot. I splash some of the water on my face and dry it off with a towel. I walk over to my bed and fal face planed on the bed. Ive rarely been so tired after i just slept a few hours ago.

I realised ive fallen asleep a few hours later. I check my phone and see that its already 8 pm now. I guess i have to forget about a good dinner and just eat a banana or whatevee the fuck i have i am not even hungry either.

I see some messages left on my phone. The last one was 6 minutes ago from clyde. What does he want from me at this time?? What is apollo said some lies? I shouldnt overthink about this but just open the message.

Clyde : is it oke if we drop xiever by you? He is drunk af and keeps bagging for you like a baby.
Me : uhhh sure you know my adress right?
Clyde : yes, were on our way.

I guess apollo didnt say anything. I ate the leftovers of the banana and put on some long sweaters so u cant see the wounds i just created myself. I barely have to wait 8 minutes and then they're here already.

I open the door and see clyde in the doorway carrying xiever in his arms. Xiever looks up to me and gives me a huge smile and runs to me with his open arms and hugs me. "Youre here" he says drunk off his ass and i can barely stand up.

Clyde closes the door behind us, i assume he wants to talk about whatever later. I put xiever on the ground but he wont let go of me. "Xiever let me go" i laugh at him. "No" he says to me stubborn and keeps holding on.

Clyde tries to help me get out of his grib and after a lot of struggle he lets go. "Meany" he acts like a little kid and he sticks out his tongue. "Yeah yeah" i say and stick my tongue out back to him. "You look funny" he says to me and puts his hand on my cheek. "Whats that supposed to mean?" I ask him confused. "What did you do to my boyfriend!?" He yells at me "mine wasnt this pretty, youre a clone!" He yells at me and i put my hand on his mouth "shhhh" i say to him and look clyde ways who is just laughing. I dont know if i am supposed to take it as a compliment or not...

Xiever licks my hand and i pull my hand away "ewwww" i say and brush it agaisnt my tshirt. "Wait..." he says and you could see him thinking "you are my boyfriend!" He says excited and gives me a hug again. "Let go of me xiever" i say laughing completely forgetting that clyde is here in the room. "You know youre pretty" xiever says to me and put his finger on my nose. Not even a few secconds later he passes out.

Cylde takes a seat next to me and looks at me "Do you wanna talk about something?" I ask him and he nots his head. "Are you guys dating?" He asks me confused. I look your way, i know you wanted to tell him but i cant deny it now. "Ask him when he wakes up" i say to clyde and out my hand on xievers leg. I guess its already obvious enough.

"Why did he drink so much anyways?" I ask him "we were already supposed to go out drinking and mai was having a competition about who has a higher tolerance" clyde laughs to himself. "Anything else happend?" I ask him. "He was just begging me to take him to his boyfriend and that he misses you" he laughs at me and look straight at me and i could feel my cheeks red.

"Oh.. anything else happen?" I ask him just wanted to hear about their night. "Not really other then apollo being a asshole to everyone and saying some random bullshit and leaving early because of it" clyde says and looks away from me. Did he tell them?? "What did he say?" I try to ask not to concernt. "Just something about you and him? It was weird. Apollo always been like this though" clyde says and i could hear the disappointment trough his voice. He wasnt mad at me though, it was more at apollo.

"We should probably put xiever on your bed before he falls of the couch" clyde says when he sees xiever almost falling off. "I guess so , you take legs and i will take his head" i say to him and we try and pull xiever up. With a lot of stuggle he is finally on my bed and in a star position so i cant even sleep in my own bed.

"Man he is fucking heavy" he says and we both laugh. "He really stole my bed" i say and roll my eyes sarcastic and me and clyde laugh at each other. Even though i didnt know him to much before he seems like a good person and fun to talk with.

Later clyde leaves to go home himself and i take some pjs out of my bedroom and then take a pillow and a blanket and sleep on the couch. I dont want to be in the same bed as a drunk person no matter if he is my boyfriend or just a friend. The couch isnt to bad either to sleep on.

Thats it for this chap <3333