alone again / Finished BxB /

flashbacks pt 3.

I wish you were here but no matter how much i bag and pray to god u wont come back.  No matter what i do youre gone. Youre merely just a memory and a person in pictures. Youre just a body 6 feet under ground.

Its been around a month after the crash. My girlfriend left me and my friends are worried. I cant stop thinking back to that night, the night i lost you and part of myself. 

I cant stop thinking about what couldve happend. What if i just took a cap? What if the truck hit me instead of him? What if i couldve excepted the fact i did love him.

Maybe with more time i wouldve loved you. Maybe we couldve been together. Maybe in a other universe we are. You used to always talk about the universe. I remember the late night talk we had in the park.

It was around 12pm it wasnt that dark yet. We were laying down on the damp grass, our heads facing the dark sky. "What is your favourite universe" i remeber asking him. "I think the one were its just you and me agaisnt the world" you said to me with a smile. "Why agaisnt the world and not with? Maybe were superheroes in a other universe" i asked u "superheroes always get the girls and i want the guy" you said awkwardly. I didnt understand what u ment back then and just brushed it off. 

You always wanted it to be just us two. Since we were young it was always us two. We did everything together. Most of our first times together like eating pineapples for the first time or fingerpainting. We had other friends of course but it was mostly us.

We met hayden and noah 3 years ago when we were in highschool. Hayden and noah were inseparable too. Even though they are so different from each other they were always together. I always imagined them as the sun and the moon. The sun shines so the moon is visible. 

I try and get myself out of bed for the past few weeks. It feels like my legs are made from bricks and so is my head. Its hard but manageable. I drag myself to the kitchen to grab some peanut butter jelly. It used to be your favourite. I neverreally liked it, but ever since u were gone it feels oddly comforting.

I eat it up fast but all i could think about it you. My head is spinning again and i feel nauseous like i always feel like after eating lately. I put my head on the cold kitchen counter trying not to trow up again.

I couldn't help but break down in tears again. Fuck, why can't i get over you. My eyes are stained red and my headaches are starting to feel like migraines.  I try to stop crying but i couldnt. "Why did you do this to me" i wisper to myself "why did you leave me?" I ask with no response. Why i do this.

I walk to the sink and splash some water on my face trying to get myself together. I put my hands leaning on the counter and look down in the sink. I could see my own reflection. My red eyes and messy unbrushed hair. The eyebags that are darker then my haircolor. The breakout of pimples on my face and pale skin from not coming out of the house.

I shake my head and walk back to my bed again. Its kind of like a routine now. Waking up just to eat and then sleep right after. In the nights i am awake and feel even more alone then at day.

I could hear my phone ring from the dresser but ignore it. Its probably hayden or noah telling me theyre on their way here. Since short they have the spare keys to my apartment so they can come in even when i dont wanna move.

I fall asleep again and around 15 minutes i could hear 2 familiar voices enter my home. "Dash" says noah and knocks on the door. "Can we enter?" he asks me. He always asks even though he already knows the awnser is yes. "Yes" i say and the next thing i see is noah and hayden ciming into my room.

"You need to shower" noah says trying to brush my hair trough with his fingers. "I know" i say quietly sitting next to noah. Hayden is just awkwardly sitting on the floor like always.

"Am i stupid" i ask out of the blue "what?" Noah asks me confused still brushing trough my hair. "Shouldn't i stop grieving after a few weeks. Its been a month" i say disapointed in myself. "Its oke to grief, you guys havent been apart for longer then a week and now you cant see him. And i would probably be a mess to if hayden died" noah says to me pulling me into a hug.

"I want space" i say after a tiny silence. "Everytime i see you guys i think about the crash. I cant deal with this" i say and my voice cracks and i could feel the tears forming. "What?!" They both asked synchronized. "I love you guys but i cant do it" i say to them looking away. "You want us to leave you?" Noah asks confused "what the fuck are you saying" hayden asks me mad but i know he means it in a more caring way. "Were not letting you go" noah says quickly.

I shake my head "i am letting you guys go" i say. "U cant do that" hayden says and stands up. "I only see him whenever i look at you guys. I only see the mistakes ive made. I need to let it all behind" i say to them not trying to look at them. Noah sits next to me speechless. "We lost him too" hayden says in a almost wisper.

I look at him and stammer over what i wanted to say. Only some stutters could come out and then i broke down. Hayden sits next to me and i could see his eyes getting more teary. Noah is slowly forming tears too with a shocked expresion on his face.

It might look weird for any other normal person. 3 guys crying in a bedroom about a friend that died. But for me this moment is more comforting then ever.

I havent seen hayden cry ever since i have known him. The only time i saw him cry was when he thought noah was hurt. We were all in the hospital waiting for the results and all noah had was a broken pinky. Hayden dried  his tears pretty quickly and acted like nothing happend. We all laughed at him for being so adorable. Elijah always brings it up whenever we all needed a good laugh.

I think elijah was my sun. The ball of energy making me light up even in the darkness. He always made me laugh even with tears in my eyes. We had those silly little insids jokes and stupid talks about dc or marvel being better and why. You always said dc while i said marvel. At the end we came to the agreement that we both won the argument.

Maybe you were my personal angel who had to be taken back up. You were always so sure i was going to be the best in everything. You made tiny challenges for me so i could be better in a subject whenever i was struggling with whatever.  Maybe it was small to you but for me it was big.

"I dont want to give up on you" hayden says bringing me back to reality. "Maybe one day i will get over this guilt and then we can be together again" i say to him still giving him and noah a hug with me in the middle. Noah is still quiet but just hugging me silently crying making my tshirt mixed between our tears.

"Can we atleast sleep over one last time" noah asks me "sure" i say. "Thats the last thing we can do for you" hayden says in a sad voice. We used to sleepover whenever someone was upset or wasnt feeling well. We all tried our best to squeeze in one small bed. It was always weirdly comforting having someone with you.

The last time we slept over it was when Elijahs family dog passed away. I think it was aeound 2 months ago. We were all sad he had to go.

But now it isnt about his pet but its about him. He died and left us this time. It still feels weird to say it. To feel this type of grief. To feel the emptyness in my body.

Maybe the sun was to hot for the moon in the end.

Thats the end for the flashbacks parts :( i hope everyone enjoyed the little side part about his past and about his bestfriend and the incident.
I hope you like ittt <3333