alone again / Finished BxB /

unable *tw depressing thoughts*

I keep thinking back about the kiss with xiever even days later. I havent spoken to him since it happend... i dont know what his mind is even like right now. Maybe for him it was just nothing serious? Maybe he doesnt want anything to do with me anymore? So many questions and 0 awnsers.

Its just 11:30am and im already so fucking drained of everything. These stupid fucking depressive episodes are so tiring. I just want it to stop. I want everything to stop. It might sound bad but im so tired of breathing. Of my heart beating every seccond. Of my depressive ass thoughts every seccond. I just want it to stop.

I cant do that though. You need to live for the people you love. You need to act happy and oke every seccond. You need to be there for everyone else but yourself. It doesnt matter how fucking depressed you are when there people loving you right? Its tiring to live up to everyones expectations. Its tiring to live from sunrise to sunrise from day to day.

I just want to stop everything. I love my friends dont get me wrong. Maybe when i die i realise my parents loved me too and i did back. Maybe then i would appreciate the little things in live like everyone always says they do, but right now i cant even feel the need to pick up a spoon.

Its getting harder to breath and i can already feel the panic attack starting up but i dont even care at this point.  Let it go over me for the thousends time like it always does. At this point i dont care about anything.

Maybe people will call me selfish later. Maybe they will say i havent succeeded in anything but i dont care at the moment. All i want is to stop. Why cant they understand it? Its not fucking selfish to not feel oke. To have bad days where you dont want to do anything. To not feel like your at your best . Maybe one day they will understand it.

I could hear my ringing when someone tries to reach me but i am to lazy to even move at the moment. Who ever it is its probably not important anyways. I hear it again and again. I guess it might be important. I look at the screen and see xievers is trying to call me. I guess he does want to have something to do with me.I pick up the phone.

Me : hey
Xiever : do you have time right now, im kind off infront of your door.
Me : oh, hold on.

Maybe i couldve sound more happy or less depressed but i dont care at the moment. Why is he even here anyways. I dont even care to change my clothes or to fix my messy hair right now. I drag myself to the door and open it. I see xiever infront of me as perfect as always looking at me happily but then concernt at the way i look like.

I step aside so he could walk into my apartment. "Are you okay?" He asks me and just looks at me. I dont want to look him in his eyes or even at him. "Dash" he says again and comes closer to me and i could feel his stare burning in me. He raises his hands to my head and places both his hands on my cheeks and make me look at him.

He doesnt say anything else but just hugs me close. I dont know why but i could feel the tears coming up already. Even though i dont like crying infront of anybody i cant resist it. I just let it all go and i will explain that im fine to him later even though im not. I dont want him to judge me. Xiever hugs me even tighter and put his hand on the back of my head and moves it up and down trying to calm me down.

I think it wouldve looked weird if u were a bystander in this situation. 2 guys hugging each other while one is crying infront of a door in a messy apartment. But for me in that moment it felt like it was just us. Just the 2 of us and nothing more. Its weird but i dont want this moment to end. Even though i feel like shit and dont look good at all I just want it to stay like this. To stay in his embrace.

I pull back from him and he dries my tears away with his thumb and gives me a tiny smile trying to cheer me up. "do tou want to talk about it or no?" He asks me and tries to dry my tears even more. I shake my head and look away trying not to feel too embarrassed.  I dont know how to explain to him that i want everything to stop...

He walk over to my coutch and he gives me a tiny smile again. "Why did u come here?" I ask him realising i didnt ask him before. "I just wanted to see you" he says and looks away and tries to hide his smile. Weirdly he cheers me up in someway. Maybe not a lot but definitely more then i ever thought it wouldve cheered me up.

"Dash" his warm voice as soothing as always he says to me and looks at me again "i think we should talk about what happend soon or later" he says to me and i knew exactly what he ment by that. I dont know what i even want right now. "I dont think im good enough for you xiever" i tell him in all truth. Ive got a thousend reasons why he deservesthe best of the best and not me. "I dont care about if youre good enough for me. I care about you" he says to me and comes closer to me.

Even though he said thay i dont feel any better. I am not good enough and never will be enough. I cant take the best care of you. I cant be there for you like anyone else could be becauss im not oke too. Maybe u deserve someone that appreciates the world and wants to take every single breath they wanted. To see the sun and think about how great everything is. To smell the fresh flowers and to have the sunrays hit their skin. U dont deserve someone like me, you deserve someone better.

I soon fell asleep later on the coutch only to wake up realising he was never here. I was all alone all this time talking to him in my head. He never came to my house or talked to me or comforted me. I am all alone like always.

Being alone, waking up alone, eating alone, living alone, never with someone else. Maybe i should call him but i dont want to bother him. I cant be with him, i dont want to ruin him. I dont want to take away his pure joy in life just because i dont have it. I just need to distance myself right? I just need to get away. He will lose feelings and i wont ruin him. I just dont want to ruin him. Why is everything so damn hard. I just need to get away and leave him alone. Maybe he will realise why i did it when he looks back at everything, but for now he has to hate me. He has to right? Maybe a other love will bring him more joy. He can be with them and they can life their lives together.

Its still early so i make some food for myself and then just fall into my bed and try to get to sleep again even though ive just slept. Everything is so tiring lately. I just dont want to do anything and i dont want to show others how i feel. I dont want them to judge me or make them feel worried about me. I just need people to stop caring about me just like my older friends did after the accident. After that they understood im not good. I had to do all that just for them to realise im not good for them? Thinking back to it still makes me in pain so much no matter how much time passes the pain in my chest is still like its a fresh cut. The flashes of the accident playing infront of me again. Its all my fault. Im in the wrong here. I did it, didnt i? Wasnt i the one that messed up here. The people that were there didnt do anything wrong right. They just stood there. I did it. I did it. I did it. I say outloud while the pain gets worse and worse again to the point where its harder to breath again.

Thats it for this chap i hope u like it :)))