*J* (the continuation)

Part Forty-Four: Chapter 326: Lost Hope

Jester's POV

Have you ever found yourself begging for hope? Because all the hope you once had had been ripped away? Do you know how hard it is to get through one day to the next without hope? You need hope to be able to fight. You need it to face the things you must do. That's the whole driving force behind change. But what happens when you don't have hope? What is it that you're fighting for then? What's the reason for trying to change? I'll tell you, nothing. So what's the point, right? But with just an ounce of hope we can alter anything.

I search for a hope everyday in my brother. Hope that one day he'll wake up and stop destroying everything good that he has. That the people in his life could mean as much to him as he does to them. I search for a good man in him. But every day he finds a way to show me that part of him is dead. All he knows how to do is be misery, as if misery could take on a physical form. I've hoped beyond hope that he'd change. But I honestly don't think it's in his capabilities.

And now I find myself searching for a new kind of hope. It's not at all a hope I want, but it's all I'm fucking left with. And that's the hope that Jason takes J down. This hope doesn't bring me joy. Only pain. Because I've never wanted anything but good for my twin. I love him. But all he ever does is tease me with his brotherly 'love'. He balls it into a ball and throws it back in my face. And I'm done. Because he gives me absolutely no hope. No hope in anything.

I stand staring out the window at the nice middle class neighborhood that the Joker had no business living in. Oh if only these poor people knew who they had for a neighbor. I look over my shoulder and see my brother hovered over his phone. God knows what he was doing on it. Probably hunting Jason.

Then I can hear Johnny's voice as he comes into the room, "Sir. I got word from the syndicate wanting to know where this months meeting will be," he says.

I can hear my twin sigh, "Riddler's place."

My lips part. This was the tiny bit of news I had been waiting for. I had to tell Jason. I turn and walk out of the room. I go to mine and Ivy's room. Well, I guess it's just mine now. Ivy's been gone for a week now. She won't take my calls. She ignores my texts and apologies. I guess I can't really blame her. I did and said a lot  of nasty shit the last day I saw her.

Part of me says that maybe we just weren't meant to be. Because if we were, she'd give me a chance and talk to me, wouldn't she? I guess I'm mostly still angry. Angry I don't have the parts of my brother she loves so much. Angry that I want my brother dead. Angry I'm alone with nobody on my side now. Angry I can't even look at Harley without seeing the rage in my brothers possessive eyes. Now's when I need somebody the most and she won't give me the time of day.

Right now I needed a support system.  But apparently I can't get that. Couldn't buy one if I wanted. I needed someone to vent to. Somebody that cared enough to listen. But I find myself completely alone now. Alone with no hope at all. A part of me just wanted to let J make his move on me. Just let him finish me off, because who the fuck is there to care?

I sit on the bed with my phone in my hand. This was my last chance to not do this. To not betray the brother I so desperately want to love. But he's already betrayed me. I know in my gut, it's just a matter of time before he gets rid of me. Before I no longer serve his purpose. And if it's not me, it'll just be Harley, or Jason, or anyone else. I can help stop that from happening. One text to Jason is all it will take. I can save the lives of the many by sacrificing the one. I have to. I'm the only one who can make this happen.

With trembling hands and a deep sigh, I type, "Need to meet," to Jason's number. My hands go to my head as I hand it in sorrow. What I was doing was not exactly a good thing. I was helping kill someone. I felt shame. He's my fucking twin brother. But I honestly think I'm doing the right thing. And that's what's so fucked up. But when a relationship brings you more pain than happiness, you have to sever it, don't you?