*J* (the continuation)

Part Thirty-Two: Chapter 248: Traumas

Forgive my absence.

The Joker sits on his bunk in Arkham with his knees pulled up to his chest. His arms wrap around his legs, holding them tightly to him. He's stares, unblinking, at a cockroach crossing the floor. Arkham just seemed to grow more disgusting every time he came back. But something about this visit just seemed harder to take than all the other times. He hated the way he worried so much about Harley. He didn't know how to handle not knowing what was going on with her.

Bruce had promised to be there for he and Harley, but where was he? Bruce had once told him that he would always be there for him. He had promised him that Harley would be ok. He promised that he wouldn't let Jason find her and take her. But Bruce's promises just weren't enough to make the Joker rest easy. He needed to know for sure. He needed to know every last detail of what was going on. Did Bruce even care that he was locked up and going out of his mind?

His eyes start to well with tears. He deserved to be left with all the fears and doubts that he was feeling. It was karma paying him back for a near lifetime of evils. All the bad things happening around him were his fault. His own selfishness had created this nightmare. He should have just accepted his own death. He should have just went out silently without a fight. If he had Jason wouldn't be out there hurting everyone he cared about. His own vanity had led to Harley being shot and raped.

Accepting responsibility for his actions just wasn't something the Joker could easily do. He's made an art form out of blaming others. It would be so easy to blame all of it on Jason. But Jason couldn't have done it on his own. The Joker was the one that had chosen to give Jason that kind of power. He could see that he was essentially Dr. Frankenstein. That meant that Jason was Frankenstein's monster. Jason hadn't asked for the Joker's identity. That was something that the Joker had sold him on.

A tear trickles from the Joker's eye and down his cheek. He should have given up on love after Jeannie. He should have forced himself to reject love and all of its many beautiful trappings. He should have vowed to stand forever alone. He could have avoided the feelings he had at this moment. All of the greatest tragedies of his life had been centered around love. If he had just blocked it out he wouldn't be hurting.

But it's instinctual that everyones soul searches desperately for love, for that one perfect soul mate. It was simply biological, despite the fact that most never find it. That kind of love was like a mythical unicorn. Love was supposed to make you a better because of it. Wasn't it? You were supposed to feel more complete because of it. Right? But the Joker had a huge gaping hole in his chest, and he knew that he deserved to have it. He had never been an ideal partner.

He knew that the love he received was never fully given back. He always gaurded himself and never completely opened up for anyone. He's never been able to completely trust anyone. And that made him hide his truest feelings for the people in his life. He knows he can't hold back with his baby boy or girl. He better than anyone knows what becomes of unloved children. He had to change that cautionary part of himself. He had only told his wife that he loved her a few times. He would tell the baby he loved it a hundred times a day if that's what it took to raise a child.

He wipes away a tear and buries his face in his knees. He didn't know if he would be a good father. His lifestyle wasn't exactly suited for a family. Let's be honest, he was a mobster, just like Al Capone or Bugsy Siegel. His world was extremely dangerous. Everything he held dear was automatically a target for his enemies. Having a family would never be easy for the Joker, but he had the will to give it a try. The way he saw it, he didn't have any other choice except pushing everyone away. But in his remaining humanity, somewhere at the bottom of his heart, he knew he couldn't live without his family.